A safe place to let out feelings

[SingaSong12]

I must stress that I am not discussing this with anybody irl. Can I have a handheld please.

I have discussed before, might have been under another name. Have a relative who has cancer, which is progressing. I'm not a close relative. There are others in the family physically closer or HCP who can help more. Feel impotent.

I have ASD and find hard to know what to say (something I know I'm struggling a little with my mental health. I have depression anyway but well controlled. I can't understand why relative who has children and a good job has this instead of me. I have thoughts of death, then guilt about that. I will try to harm myself in any serious way, it is the last thing that anyone needs, but self harming in small ways. I hate myself.

@SingaSong12 please get help hun have u been to see the doctor? I know it seems like the scariest thing to do right now but ul feel soo relieved when you do. Dnt give up the fact that uve let it all out on here shows ur willing to take those first steps x

This just now I can't go to gp, but I will be able to shortly. It's part of not being able to let on my feelings in real life - atm I don't have transport and with people who would want to know why I need to go to the doctor, I can't make something up as HCP so they'd know. Luckily things are pretty good for me.

Please just hold my hand. Struggling with my feelings today.

Hi SingaSong12, sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm struggling with my mental health too atm and waiting for medication to take effect, so probably not much help to others. But I just wanted to send you some and let you know you're not alone. Is there anything at all that interests you and helps you feel absorbed, something that you can lose yourself in while you're feeling so besieged by your thoughts/feelings? Some of my little helpers at the moment are music, telly, making sure I eat something as regularly as I can, reading - I even have the kindle app on my phone and make sure I have something good to read on that for times when I'm out or just needing that reassuring feeling of holding my phone in my hands. Maybe that's just me! But I find it helps, and is often easier on me than constantly scouring internet threads looking for other people's experiences.

Anything you can think of that would take you out of yourself for a bit, as long as it's not self-destructive, if at all possible. Sounds like you might be a bit isolated, is there a neighbour you can drop in on, or a community place nearby that you can go to? Someone you can go for a walk with?

If none of these options are available to you and you're still struggling, please consider calling the Samaritans. They can be really good to talk to when you're feeling desperate and on your own with so much pain. The number is 116 123. You don't have to be suicidal to call them.

Thank you
I'm fine as long as I am busy - I volunteer so was bad this morning as no one to see. Mostly ok now but quiet patches are bad. I have found Samaritans helpful in the past.

Trigger - this may distress, though I am and will stay physically safe.

Saw my relative yesterday. Not sure whether he liked it or not, was only a few minutes as he needs a lot of rest. I was fine then.

On the train and now or when I allow my thoughts in they are darker. I am physically absolutely safe, will not be harming myself. My thoughts are about me not deserving to be well/alive. I wish I could just stop having the thoughts, they are so unhelpful and painful, but also feel indulgent and self centred.
At least I am managing not to tell anyone irl.

Feeling that you don’t deserve to live, or that you should have got the cancer instead of your relative, is a classic symptom of depression, OP.
It’s probably mixed with a
bit of the “survivor guilt”, that most people feel when bad things happen to someone else instead of them.
You say that your autism means you’re not sure how to empathise or help your ill relative.
Well I’d say it actually makes you better at helping - because you don’t just assume you know how they feel or what they would like from you. You are more likely to be practical about it or simply ask them what would be helpful for them. Non autistics may tire them out, pestering them with attention and over emotional concern when they’d rather just be left alone to rest!
My DD and I are both autistic, and have struggled with depression- DD has made suicide attempts in the past. But she is now stable on medication. Please don’t try to cope with all this on your own, OP - I know just how tough it is, and I’d urge you to confide in someone in real life, and get some help yourself.
Do you have a CPN? If so, do contact them and let them know what you’ve been expressing on here. If not, then the Samaritans, as a PP suggested, or your GP, or a close friend or relative.
Just because your relative has cancer doesn’t mean that your needs must be ignored - your illness needs help too. If you are supported and feeling stronger and happier, you’ll be better able to offer comfort to your relative as well.
Sending you my prayers that you get the help and support you need and deserve, OP. Take care. God bless.