I have had the worst depression of my life the last few months. I was diagnosed about 3 and half years ago and have been on and off a couple of different types of medication. The time it got bad this year I was on sertraline then that dose was upped, didn’t help, changed to citalopram. Just a month, even 3 weeks ago really, I was thinking about suicide daily. It changed from in the past being a thought that came but that never convinced me I might actually do it, to being a daily thought where I was genuinely considering it and at times really resisting the urge. I knew how I’d do it. I forced myself to think of why I couldn’t - my family, my best friends. It was hard and thinking back it terrifies me how close I got.
About 4-5 weeks ago I stopped taking the citalopram. Partly because I missed a day and thought I’d see if it made me feel any better (because taking them wasn’t doing so) - I felt so exhausted on them and just wanted to eat and eat and watch crap tv all the time. I didn’t feel better right away, but i didn’t feel worse either - I was exactly the same.
Then, 2 weeks ago, I spoke to my family and friends and made a decision to move closer to them and change my plans for the next few years. Won’t go into details, but no major changes other than where i live. And once the emotional decision making was done, I felt suddenly so much better. I actually cried, when I was alone, just of pure relief because for the first time in months I went a day without wanting to die. And I felt hope for the future which again, I hadn’t done for months and months and felt that I never would. And since then I have been busy sorting things out for the move, I have a couple weeks left at work, so yes I have been busy (ish - still lots of free time really) But I have had energy, motivation to get up at a normal time (aka before midday) and get out and walk the dog properly and enjoy it! I’ve just generally felt lighter and since that first day have had a few times of crying from relief and hopefulness.
But I find myself second guessing myself - am I really happy or is it just being busy and distracted by the change happening? Once it’s done and I’m settled is it going to come back? Can I really have depression when I feel this much better without medication and having only had one CBT session? How am I so hopeful now?
I know I’ve felt like this before after spells of deep depression - hopeful, ready for change, new starts. And it’s come back, maybe months after, maybe weeks, maybe a year. I went to CBT today and felt stupid because I feel good! Like I was wasting his time. But I know I need to do something to avoid this coming back and hitting me down again.
I don’t know what my question is really, just would like some advice, or to know if anyone else has felt this way?