To not know how to deal with this guilt *trigger warning for sexual assault*

[dontstoplookinginmyeyes]

I have named changed but regular poster.
Apologies for the length of this post but I haven't spoken to anyone about this and feel I need to get it out or I will explode.

When I was 19 I was raped. I had been out with some friends and we were at a bar. An older guy who was friend of a friend was being flirty and buying me drinks, despite having a boyfriend I flirted back to get the free drinks. The rest of the night is very hazy but I know I got very drunk very quickly. My friends left me with this guy whilst they went to get food and a taxi and he took me back to his house. I have very vague recollection of what happened but I know I was scared and didn't want to have sex with him. I then blacked out and woke up extremely sore and bleeding and he was asleep so I left and went to my friends house
that I should have been staying with and told her what happened. Her response was that I couldn't be sure as I was drunk and had been very flirty with the guy and I was probably feeling bad as I had cheated on my boyfriend. I was young, vulnerable and if my friend didn't believe me then why should anyone else so I never reported it. I saw this man from a distance a few times but within six months had moved far away from the area.
I initially denied it to myself, making myself believe I had wanted to go through with it and it wasn't until after years of sleeping around and having severe anxiety and depression that I admitted it and was able to work through my mental illness and the rape with medication, support from friends and therapy.
I moved on with my life, I am now in a good job, settled and married and my mental health was well managed.

Two weeks ago someone I know from back where I was living when I was 19 shared a post on facebook. It was a news report about the man who had raped me. He had been jailed for 12 years for a number of rape and sexual assault charges. The first of which was the year after he attacked me and over the next nine years.
My whole world has fallen apart. I did nothing about what happened to me and have spent so long focussing on sorting out myself that I let countless other women be subject to rape and attacks. I feel so unbelievably guilty. It is my fault and I don't know how to live with myself knowing this.

I haven't told anyone irl. I don't want them to know what I have done. How could anyone want to be around me when they know. I don't know what to do or how I can go on knowing this. I have booked in with my GP next week but even if I go what can I say, what can they do? I am overwhelmed and worried I will spiral down and never come out of this.

You haven't done anything wrong, this man is the one in the wrong. Even if you had of gone to the police at the time the evidence may not have been enough to charge him and he could still have gone on to hurt other women anyway regardless of you speaking out, there is no way of knowing what the outcome would have been if you'd have done things differently so you cannot and should not beat yourself up about this. I would suggest sitting your husband down and telling him what happened to you and showing him the article, it may help you to have someone irl who can support you. You could still go to the police now if you think it would help, it could add further time to his sentence possibly but you cannot blame yourself for the terrible things he has done to these other women. You were only 19 love xx

You were barely out of childhood, OP, and that sick man raped you while you were in a very vulnerable state. Those circumstances, his evil actions, left you in a dreadful state which has taken years of working through for you and now you're faced with all this disturbing and distressing information about his other rapes, abuses and assaults. You couldn't have dealt with what he put you through any differently, because he made certain when he raped you that he took away control from you in a fundamentally devastating way for years, and he then went on to do the same to other women. HE IS THE GUILTY ONE, NOT YOU!!! Although he is a highly irresponsible monster, he was nevertheless responsible for all his crimes and you must not let him win by deceiving yourself now, telling yourself the lie that you should've done something at the time that might've changed things for his later victims. NO!!! That is the keyword here: NO!!! NO it is not in any way shape or form your fault what THAT BASTARD did to you or anyone else, NO he is not going to get away with doing any further damage to your life, to your self. You share ZERO responsibility for his twisted choices and actions, he is a RAPIST and his crimes are HIS responsibility, end of story. You owe him or his other victims nothing, but you can have solidarity in your heart with the other women he has hurt and abused. That is where your true power lies now, your healing is the only priority, NOT excusing his hideous actions by blaming yourself. YOU ARE INNOCENT

You are not to blame. You didn't know what he was capable of or what had really happened and you had no support to validate your suspicions about him. Your friend opposed your view which is very confusing. Also after a trauma we have confusion due to excess cortisol.
Stay safe , keep posting, you have done nothing wrong at all. You are the victim in this. Take care xxx

Oh no please dont feel it was your fault. It was not your fault, not at all. I reported my ex sexually assaulting me and the charges were dropped. It was such an awful ordeal to go through that I regret reporting it. Its understandable that you didnt report it. And I can totally relate to if your own friends dont believe you makes you think why would the police. You did nothing wrong, no one would blame you for this.