Can't sleep, I don't know what to think anymore

[BippityBoppity87]

I've been (not officially) but there has been a mention from my psychiatrist and home treatment team that I'm suffering from clinical depression. However for a while, and I mean for years, I don't feel like this is the case. My emotions have been a rollercoaster to say the least.

I have mentioned this before to the team who come and see me, but for years I thought I suffered with SAD. I always knew when my mood would begin to dip, usually in November, so I was always able to monitor it and prepare myself for it. About 4 weeks ago, it hit me out the blue as I had never suffered with depression in the summer.

I've been to a&e four times in the past three weeks, mainly for self harm, don't want to go into too much detail and was given mirtazapine.

I wasn't given SSRI's, as I told my psychiatrist the last time I had them, it made me quite manic (which I've heard can be a side affect) hence why I was given a different anti depressant.

I can't sleep, I'm up and I feel like my hearts racing. The only thing I feel can calm me down is alcohol (and cigarettes, which I stupidly starting smoking again after quitting 3 months ago)

I just feel a mess. I really don't think it's just depression, but I don't know how to explain this when they come round tomorrow.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get all this off my chest.

Mirtazipine might not be the best option for you if other antidepressants have given you manic symptoms.
I suffered mania on SSRIs and SNRIs (the SNRI I took was mirtazipine).

How are you feeling this morning?

Thank you for your reply.

Exhausted. I couldn't get to sleep until about 6am this morning. I started off on 15mg that used to pretty much knock me out, now im up to 30mg, but i have trouble falling asleep again and when I do fall asleep, I cant stay asleep. Keep waking up a lot and I've been having more nightmares.

I didnt take it last night as I didn't have any left.

Sorry to hear you didn’t sleep well, last thing you need when struggling is lack of sleep. Perhaps it would be an idea to ask for a short course of diazepam to help sleep, just for one or two days to allow your body to rest?

You said you didn’t know how to explain things when you see the team tomorrow, do you think it might be a little easier to write your thoughts down? Even in bullet point form if it makes it easier. You could then just hand them the piece of paper.

A pharmacist can often give you enough meds untill you get to see your Dr, withdrawals are just going to make you feel ten times worse.

I really do hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Keep talking here in the meantime if it helps.

I spoke to them today. They said since I've been seeing them my mood doesn't seem to have got any better. I don't know what that means now. It was just a social worker and a CPN that came to see me from the home treatment team as I was in a&e on Friday. I don't know what's going to happen now.

What will happen if the home treatment team doesn't think you're getting any better? Which is what I was told today. Sorry, my minds all over the place.

Sorry to hear they haven’t been much help. I don’t know anything about what will happen next, do you feel up to contacting them in order to clarify the next steps? Or maybe have someone who could do that on your behalf?
Do they know you’ve run out of medication?

Have you been giving a crisis number to contact for your local area?

I was scared to ask what they meant by that, or what the next step was. I was too busy concentrating on not shaking and crying.

I don't know if they know I've ran out. It's the reason I was in a&e on Friday, which they're aware of.

I'm working tomorrow and they're going to see me after work. I'm hoping once I'm back at work I will calm down a bit.

I do have a crisis number and they've asked me if I would ring them if it happened again and I said I don't know. I'm a very private person. A lot of the time my thoughts happen on impulse and it's too late before I realise what's happened.

Couldn't read and run. So sorry to hear you are struggling so badly. I don't know what the next steps will be, but please keep posting here and getting RL help

Would you mind talking about the thoughts? does it feel like someone is in your head talking to you?

Not really like someone else is taking to me. Mainly my own thoughts. Sometimes I can go numb and not feel anything at all. I just feel I can't keep on top of my emotions. They can go to both extremes in a short space of time, which is what scares me.

I understand what you mean about not being sure if it’s just depression. My partner has been progressively getting worse and his thoughts are overwhelming him until the point he starts to self harm if left alone. The only thing that seems to be helping is an anti psychotic medication which has a mild sedative in them which he takes at the time the thoughts start to get worse and worse. It blocks all out all the thoughts, but is only a temporary measure. The cpn May put a plan in place to start cbt, change medication, start therapy etc.

Samaritans also do a text service if you feel you weren’t in a position to talk over the phone or we are here if you want to keep talking.

Over the past couple of weeks the same has happened to me if I'm on my own. Or I'll drink alcohol to try and calm myself down, which I know doesn't help in the long run. Sometimes I try distraction techniques, which only get me so far. Then I feel even worse.

Did they give a reason for not giving you a new dose of medication or was it just overlooked?

I don't know. I never told them I didn't have any left. So I don't know if they knew this or not. I won't get my next medication until Thursday, but I don't like what I've been given. I think it's making my anxiety worse.

Plus I don't think I will be given anymore medication because I've been in a&e twice over the past 3 weeks because of it.

Hi how did you get on tonight?

I've recently posted about using the 16-8 diet for depression and insomnia. I had insomnia for almost 15 years so I know how utterly devastating it is.

@Randomname28 It went ok, I was able to talk to to them a bit more, my stupid anxiety got in the way again though. Could hardly make eye contact and talk to them about how I'm feeling because most of the time, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just cut myself off and I don't know why I do that. I know part of it's a defence mechanism and I know I'm making the situation worse by doing it.

I spoke about my mood changes. The fact that I thought it was seasonal thing, which I have suffered for years, but this year it's hit me in the summer, quite badly. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.

@Marjie3 Insomina is horrible. My trigger is not getting a regular sleep pattern. I find I'm at my worst when I'm having to get up at 5am. Surviving on 2 hours sleep for a 10 hour shift isn't fun.

They didn't realise I wasn't taking my antidepressants (I didn't have any) but I think it made me worse taking them.

My medication has been changed to Sertraline 50mg and zopicione to take a trip night. I'm bit wary of taking SSRI's as the last time this happened it sent me a bit mad.

This was about ten years ago though, but I already feel like there switch has been a switch turned on in my brain. Has this happened to anyone else?