I'm not ok

[anxiousanxiousness]

I don't even know why. I'm just really struggling. I don't have any one to talk to. I'm with my children and my parents and making out everything is fine. Because I'm essence it is. Nothing has gone wrong. But I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm screaming and sobbing on the inside and I don't know why. I'm anxious and paranoid about silly things and I'm also feeling really low in mood. It doesn't help that I'm feeling physically unwell and I wish I could just sleep. I feel really alone. My boyfriend is away and only in sporadic contact, which is fine and I understand why. But I wish he was here so I could talk to him. Or just have a cuddle. I'm really not ok. And I don't know why so I don't know how to make it better.

It's ok not to be ok. I repeat this to myself, and I also know the feeling of having to try to hold it together when inside you're really not ok. Can you try and talk to someone like a GP? You are not alone, as much as it might feel that way xx

I have been to my GP before. I'm on the highest dose of Citalopram and the GPs suggestion was to try switching to Sertraline but in order to do that I'd have to reduce the Citalopram down first and the thought of that terrifies me.

I really wish my boyfriend was around to talk to as I just feel so crap. I'm also being massively paranoid about him/us. Which is completely unjustified and is a result of my own anxiety and nothing that he's done. But my mind is starting to play tricks on me and I'm starting to convince myself that he doesn't want to be with me. My self esteem is so low anyway, and when I feel like this I wonder why anyone would want to be with me. I wouldn't.

I'm also physically unwell which I think it magnifying things. I think I might have shingles as I have a rash that looks very similar to the photos and I keep having chills and just generally feeling unwell.

My XH has the DCs today so at least I can try to sleep. But I just feel more alone and have more time to think about how crap I feel.

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. I know from personal experience how terrible it is.
Remember that medication is a crutch to help you cope while you work on getting better. I strongly suggest that you seek get some help in the form of CBT, talking therapy or hypnotherapy to help with your anxiety.
Your GP might be able to refer you, or you could look around online.
Also, rashes, pins & needles, those could be symptoms of anxiety. Your GP should be able to confirm this.

Remember that anxiety disorder is a condition that you can overcome, even if you don't see it now.
You are not alone.
There is help out there.
You will get better.