This is really hard to write, hand hold please.

[wolfywolfy]

Name change for this as I fear may be outing but long time poster.
So I've been though the mill a bit recently with my mental health and being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that I have a mental health nurse help me with and also a psychiatrist.
Having had this diagnoses has confirmed a lot for me, but also made me think back on my past which has being exceptionally painful and this is hard to type but I need some support and advice.
I've always thought my mum emotionally abused me ( and she still is very emotionally manipulative but I have learnt to say no to her) but I have realised I had a lot of suppressed memories and they are all of her physically attacking me.
One that pains me is being really young and changing the channel on the television. She laid into me and started to push me up the stairs, and while doing this pulling my hair, where she then told me to stay in my room and called me a selfish cow. I want to cry remembering this because it is so painful to remember. She used to smack me as a child and then when I mentioned how much it affected me once she told me I was a sensitive child.
As a teenager she laid in to me and physically attacked me for being home late. In my defence I threw a cup of water at her. My dad stood and watched and it was never mentioned again.
I remember her squaring up to me a lot and trying to intimidate me also.
I for years blocked this out , and thought it was normal. I am one of five children and she has never laid a finger on any of them. I'm the eldest.
A few years back I didn't speak to her for a week because I brought some of this stuff up and she essentially denied it all.
I'm at a loss for what to do...I've come to all these horrid conclusions at nearly 30. It's so hard because if I spoke about this to anybody they wouldn't believe me.
I think this has contributed to me having BPD.
Please someone give me advice on how to approach this, I feel very mentally week and not sure if I should get some counselling or something?
.

You poor thing. That sounds so distressing, no child should have to go through that.

Can you talk to your nurse and/or psychiatrist about this. They may be able to help with counselling/referral for more help?

I've come to the conclusion that I was abused as a child...for some strange reason I thought it was normal all these years or I made excuses for my mother.
I have just been discharged from the mental health team so I'm not really sure what to do whether I ask a doctor for counselling ? I wouldn't even know where to begin x

In your area you might have
IAPT Services , type it in google
It’s psychological therapies
It’s self referral on line

I think you can refer for ‘talking therapies’ in the NHS. Otherwise I would think a visit to the GP or perhaps private counselling. There may be relevant charities someone might come along to suggest maybe?

This happened to you because of the person your mother is, not because of the person you are (If that makes sense). It's completely skewed your view of yourself and it sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to work things out including how to properly move on/not let her abuse dominate your view of yourself.

Are you with a specialist PD team? Ask about therapy xx

I was with a mental health team but was discharged as I was doing so well only last week.
I was doing well and it's all come crashing down.
I am going to make a go appointment and ask there,
I'm just not quite sure how to deal with the realisation that I was abused, and what to do or act round my mum.
Funnily enough we have a (good) relationship.
Probably because I suppressed the horrid things she did.

Please bare with grammar and spelling .

Talking to your MH team definitely sounds like a good plan. You need some help to work this through.