Jealous of my neighbour - Am I over reacting?

[BikerDad365]

Hi there. I used this site for a number of years for advise but never posted.

My wife and I have been together 14 years, married 8. We have two kids 9 and 4. I would say we have a generally very happy family dynamic, happy relationship and two wonderful children. However, of late, perhaps the past year or so, I’ve found myself becoming unhappy, perhaps showing signs of depression which is very unlike me. My wife and I very rarely argue but when we do they tend to be over small, trivial things and I’ve increasingly found myself getting bothered by things that have never bothered me before and even I think shouldn’t be getting to me.

Last night’s disagreement is what prompted me to write this post for some advice. I came home from work, happy, greeted by smiling children who have had a nice day with my wife who was on her day off, it’s the summer holidays and they’ve had fun with friends who came round to play for a few hours. When I asked my wife how her day had been and what they’d got up to, she said that her friend from work had been round with her two kids and played for a few hours and had lunch and that was about it. However when I asked my 9 year old daughter if she’d had a good day, she replied yes and told me about my wife’s friend and two kids coming round but also about a trip to the park with the man next door and his two kids... my wife had neglected to tell me this part. A few weeks ago we’d had another argument after I came clean about my feelings of being down and worried I might be depressed to which my wife seemed to dismiss. As I was sat inside feeling quite down, she was outside laughing and joking with this guy next door, knowing I was feeling very down inside the house. It seemed to me she’d rather be laughing and joking with him than try and cheer me up. This was in the back of my mind when my daughter told me they’d been to the park with this guy whilst I was at work and my wife didn’t feel the need to tell me about it. When I brought this up with my wife, she said it’s all in my head and I need to stop over thinking these things... and she’s probably right. However I can’t stop feeling like she’s been out playing happy families with the guy next door with his kids and ours during the summer holidays whilst I’m slogging away at work.

Any thoughts and advice is much appreciated. Phew, feels good to just get it off my chest and written (typed) down

OK, well she didn't tell you, because you reacted so unreasonably last time

If it was a woman neighbour would you feel the same about her laughing and joking and going to the park?

Do you trust her?

You need to get to the doctor if you think you're depressed. It's not up to your wife to curb her friendships, or pander to your irrational insecurities.

I think you need to separate your possible depression from the feelings re your neighbour. You should go to the gp and get some help - that'll be better for all of you in the long run. I hope that goes well for you.

Your wife chatting and joking with the neighbour might be something or might be nothing - that depends on trust of course and many other things. But if we assume there is no reason to distrust her, then she is allowed to have a chat and a laugh with a friend - and if you are depressed, she might need to be able to have a lighter conversation outside the home.

It sounds like you need to address your mental health and ask your wife for her support while you do so. If she knows you are trying, hopefully she will step up and help - she's probably pretty miserable too but now there is the chance of positive change. Wishing you all the best.

Nothing wrong with her pairing up with the man next door and his kids for a trip to the park - but it is perhaps a bit odd that in telling you about her day she mentioned her work friend coming over but didn't refer to the park trip in the afternoon

Thanks for all of the advice. It certainly seems to match my thoughts that I need to make an appointment with my GP. Which up till now I've been putting off because perhaps I don't want to admit I've been feeling depressed. It's not a feeling I'm familiar with as I have always been such an optimistic, happy go lucky person but as I said in my original post, of late I've noticed things are bothering me which never used to and I've been feeling generally down and I don't want that to affect our marriage as we are, and have been for 14 years, very happy together. I do trust her, she's never given me any reason not to. I've never cheated and as far as I'm aware, neither has she. I've never been a typically jealous person, which is why I find my reaction to this whole discussion so strange

I've never been a typically jealous person, which is why I find my reaction to this whole discussion so strange

Another good reason to see your GP, this reaction isn't normal for you so could well be a product of your depression. Seeking treatment may well make your DW realise how low you're really feeling, hopefully she will be supportive. Neighbour man could be something or nothing but you need a clear head to work it out, depression clouds everything. Hope it goes well with the GP and things start to improve.