Have had depression for years on and off, big break up last year which led to suicidal thoughts, picked self up and started again but a big trigger related to him last week and feel like back to square one. Mid thirties, no partner, no ability to be in a relationship in time to have a family, create stability etc. Underlying thought is that death is only way out. Wanted to leave the house last night, had to be restrained by dad, sister, brother in law. Everyone angry understandably so but i can't see how it's going to get better. Have done meds, therapy, work that I love, friends, exercise and meditation and it doesn't work. Every day a battle with myself to talk myself down or change thoughts. It's exhausting and the thought of a life having to battle with myself everyday is hellish. Guilt shame and embarrassment with family, having to live with their judgement of me. Can't see a way out of my family being fed up with me and even if I get better, all the 'what you put us through' stuff. Lots of positives in my life but can't see a way I can fully engage with them in a healthy way.
I know I need to let people help me but feel I don't deserve it and that feelings of guilt will always override everything. Can't let go when my whole life has been based around rumination and self criticism. How do people move forward and just get on with things?