Dealing with narcisstic behaviour

[HC4U]

Hello....... To cut a long story short I am really struggling to deal with a mum and sister who have lots of issues and after my own amateur diagnosis of them along with the support of my brother we feel they are narcisstic and have caused a lot of upset and hurt in our family. I have my own family now and there are many examples where these two individuals have really broken my heart and indeed I feel at this stage they have broken me. They both are highly professional individuals and to the outside world would be deemed very important people but yet in their family environment its a very different story. My post is not to go through the ins and outs of the examples of how we have come to this conclusion, but more on me realising today after 40 odd years that I cannot change them but I need to change myself. I realised today also that my mental health really has suffered and in turn I feel my own fabulous kids and hubby have put up with me always talking about their behaviour and showing how hurt I am, enough. A typical example today was it was a significant birthday for my husband today and our wedding anniversary and my sister and mother were the only two who didn't acknowledge it. Now in reality I didn't expect them too and I realise lots of people would experience similiar things and far worse, but for some reason today it all just came to a head - Lots of absolutely worse things have been said and done, but today it just hurt the fact they really don't care and that I am constantly seeking their attention/approval. I get I am an adult and I have wonderful family too around me. Yet I like a lunatic spent two days out of our summer hols spending time trying to get the correct presents for them for their birthdays last week. I can see that my mental health is suffering and that my brain won't click into place to realise "believe it the first time how they are and what they show you".

Has anyone small suggestions - other than counselling that might help me on a day to day basis to really let it go, move on, realise you won't change them, I don't need them in all reality. Still be kind and civil when we meet. But when I am in the kitchen making a dinner that I am thinking of the dinner and my kids and not the fact that people who show no emotion towards me didn't ring me for a birthday etc.

Many thanks!

Stop doing this

I am constantly seeking their attention/approval.

and this

Yet I like a lunatic spent two days out of our summer hols spending time trying to get the correct presents for them for their birthdays last week

You have taken and followed the same course of action for years and where has it got you? Perhaps it is time for a change of direction.

Thank you!

Would you believe since I posted this post, I seemed to have ganed some sort of "clarity" and actually the process of posting made me realise I had to get myself sorted in my head. I spoke to my kids and hubby and told them how I feel and that I just wanted it all to stop in my own head and enjoy my own life with my own family. Surrounding myself with people who love care and respect me for me. Of course they see the pain I feel and see their behaviour and then in turn mine. I am trying to make some small changes and even last week when my dd got her Alevels I rang my Mum and left her a message with her results and when she never as much as called back or even text my dd I took a deep breathe and said her loss. I made the effort and thats all I needed to do. My sister similar. I do know despite all their failings in my eyes, its my reactions that effect me too. So small steps and I thank you for reminding me I have taken the same path and nothing changes so I am on a new journey and the path is looking a lot more colourful and happy. Fingers crossed! Thank you!

My advice is journalling. Whenever you remember an upsetting thing they did/ or didn't do, write it down. Somehow it gets it out if your head when you get it down on paper. You may find you remember more and more instances. Keep writing them down. Have you read "The Emotionally Unavailable Mother" ? I think you might find it helpful.

Thank you for the name of the book. No I haven't read it but will check it out?

Stop contacting them, don’t leave voicemails or send texts, take back your power, I know how painful it is having these narcs who are supposed to be loved ones, but they’re not capable, keep your love and energy for your kids and husband, they - and you- deserve it

Thank you everyone. My head is fully with your advise, its just sometimes I feel guilty if I haven't called to check on my Dad and in turn then my Mum etc. I always remember a friend telling me when she was having issues that its the role of the mother to make sure her kids are happy not the kids role to ensure their mother is happy. That has really stuck with me the past few days. My behaviour has effected my kids as a result of my mothers behaviour with me and I really want to break the cycle. I am so fortunate I have wonderful kids and a husband who in fairness to him has had enough of me complaining and not changing. Its like I needed everyone to know what things have been like and then their permission to step away from it. On top of that then I feel annoyed and hurt with myself for giving them so much headspace. There are loads of examples that I literally could fill a journal with but there does come a time I think when I am the one now with the problem. I need to really let go, still be civil, kind but not invest time or energy or have expectations that are not going to be met. The people who love and care for me see it, they see the lack of respect towards me, the way my mum and sister speak and act towards me. My brothers and their wives have distanced themselves from them and tell me too also and to stop wanting them to be something they will never be. So I must be a very slow learner me thinks .......... Thank you all again.

Could I ask any thoughts on how you deal with a narcisstic Mum who recently denied having a conversation with you about my offer to bring my Dad to an appointment and then continued to "tell" others I don't help or offer to help and that I did something - which I know I clearly didn't do? I am not sure should I actually confront her with it, or ignore as I haven't the energy to play games and if she is behaving this way, she cannot be well.

When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will instead try to control how others see you

You are so right noego, thanks. Makes complete sense. Thankfully the people she is telling know what she is like and know the full story and support me. But honestly for a few minutes during that conversation with her I was doubting myself and was I going slowly nuts. Many thanks.

@HC4U

Google Grey Rock and have a read...................

Thank you so much!