Work making me feel sh*t

[MGS123]

Sorry I have posted here a few times the last few days. But my heads a bit all over the place. I’ve had 2 spells of time off work for depression, the first around 6 weeks ago for 2 weeks and last week for 1 week. I have discussed the reasons with work, they’ve acted sympathetic sometimes but in emails sound harsh. I have come onto a shift today to find question marks over my name on the rota until mid August. I told them last week I would be off for a week and confirmed that was still right mid way through the week. It’s just made me feel really crap and like they’re either thinking of sacking me or hoping I’ll go? I was asked in the RTW interview ‘do you think you can keep on working with us?’ And said yes, I’d rather be working (I am getting treatment and getting better and I feel that at this point being unemployed would do me no good at all). Before that interview I emailed to ask for a heads up if I was going to be fired because I felt that was he way it was going just from the tone of emails.

I feel like they’re really looking down on me as a nuisance, liability etc, and don’t want me to work here anymore. I’ve always done my job well and before these spells I have never had a sick day here. Every time I start feeling like I’m getting better something work related comes up and makes me really stressed - I was happy to come back to work today (first shift since week off) but then saw the rota and felt really down again. I don’t work in a top high paid job or anything but it can still be stressful to feel like the whole team is pissed off at you for something you can’t avoid

How can I manage this, should I tell my managers how I feel honestly? I feel like they’re already seeing me as a drama queen, so I kind of just want to ignore the whole thing and not have to say any more about it to them but I’m scared this is going to stop me getting better.

It's probably better to talk it over to them, privately, they can't help you or support you if they don't know what's going on. The fact they put a question mark is nothing personal, but they have to cover up for the eventuality you can't be there, for some reason, because it's their job.

...talk it over with them...

Thanks.. I know I’m probably being paranoid but my depression makes me see almost everything negatively and personally

OP, I think you are massively over-reacting here. They were not sure whether you were coming in by the sound of it. While I haven't seen the emails, I very much doubt that they had any intention of firing you. You've been off twice in the last few months and it is more likely that they thought you may be off for longer. You were on the rota - they had not taken you off it!

If you are struggling with your depression at the moment, then seek help and get yourself well again. It doesn't sound like work, it's you over-thinking things which can be a symptom of depression. Your employer is far more likely to want to you get well too.

You haven't said anything that makes me think your employers or your colleagues think you are a liability - or about to be fired (please don't ask for a heads up again!) and I don't think it is work causing your depression - you are misreading the situation badly from what you've said here IMO.

I am really sorry you aren't feeling well and hope you are getting all the support you need. From an HR persepctive:

The issue with work is that you are paid to be there. You have MH issues so may be covered by the equality act. You need to take responsibility for your well being and make sure you are well enough to attend and ensure there is a two way channel of communication between you and your Employer.

You need to demonstrate you are doing your best to improve attendance: ad's, therapy, other coping techniques.

If they are good and experienced managers they will be aware of their duty of care and evidencing it.

What length of service do you ahve and what are your contractual terms re absence.

Hi, this isn’t the most helpful reply for someone who already feels shit about themselves due to depression but thanks for your honesty. I don’t know why they would think I wasn’t coming back as I gave them a date and the last time I was off I also gave them a date and came back on that date. It’s not like I’ve kept going off and extending my return date so they had no reason to assume that and also did not contact me to ask me if I was going to be back. I confirmed to them a few days before That I would be back for that date. I am getting help (don’t know where you got that I wasn’t) at CBT and with anti depressants which I’ve been on for years - this year they seemed to stop working and things got really bad. I have always told work why I was off sick, done RTW interviews and given them a date I’d be back, updated them while I was off whether this would still be the same, and come back and done my job.

The tone of the emails was short, blunt and I was told that the shift I was meant to come back on (for which I had spent days stressing, then mentally preparing myself and finally feeling ok about) had been covered as well (they told me that the day before the shift) Coming back to work after mental illness is horrible and hard especially when your co workers know you were off, but don’t know why so you’re stuck in thinking ‘will they assume it’s MH as I haven’t said what was wrong?’ ‘Will they think I’m just skiving and lazy?’ So it’s not comfortable coming back.

But I don't think that your colleagues will be wondering why you were off - they'll just be glad to see you back. I didn't say that you were not seeking help, just to take time off and get yourself well - you said in your first post that you were getting treatment.

I'll drop out of this now.

Ok now I feel stupid and worse. I just can’t relax with anything. I’m paranoid that I’m gonna get fired. I’m scared that my co workers hate me or think I’m a pain in the arse. I’m scared that my management think I’m a drama queen. I hate that people know about my depression because it makes me feel silly and weak and pathetic which I know is wrong because I’d never think of someone else with mental health issues that way. I want to be seen as independent and strong and happy which is how I used to be seen. And I just don’t feel like I can handle anything, the tiniest thing sets me off panicking - bloody question marks on a rota has got me like this after feeling ok all day. I know the CBT and ad’s take time but I just don’t know how to get through until they start to have effect. On citalopram now and it makes me feel sick (I was actually sick 2 days ago after taking it) and exhausted and tired Which means I don’t feel like getting out and exercising which is what I know makes me feel better.

I just hate this whole thing. Feel like it’s ruining my life and can’t see how it’ll stop

You aren't well. If you had a bad back you'd expect sympathy until you were better. It should be exacrly the same if you have an MH issue. If you are covered by the EA your employer has to make reasonable adjustments.

MH is nothing to be ashamed of and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Does your employer have an employee assistance programme?

Dd uses an app called "headspace" and uses her music for comfort. AD's do take a while to work and get the dose right. IME colleagues respond best if they know the truth if you can bear it.

Is there anything you enjoy and can bear: poetry, music, yoga, swimming, cuddling a pet? So many things waiting for you and probably more people and animals who wpuld love the orivilege of getting to know you and loving you. Don't worry too much about what others think they are orobably too preoccupied with their own troubles to think badly of others.

SassitudeandSparkle - I’m sorry, I took it the wrong way, I am grateful you took the time to reply and advise. Thank you