All my thoughts have been focused on today as I had a meeting with work regarding me not turning up to work last week and then taking a week off sick (which I told them about) due to my depression reaching a really bad stage. The meeting was fine I was dreading it but it was short and easier than I expected.
And coming away I then realised
Now I have nothing to occupy my mind apart from thoughts of hopelessness and pointlessness and, from that, the thought that I don’t want to be here anymore. Back to not seeing a way forward. Not seeing the future being better. Negativity. At least before the meeting I felt dread and even some anger and passion because of the way my work spoke to me in their emails. Now nothing but ‘this isn’t going to get better’
I have my first free counselling/CBT session tomorrow. And I will go, but even that isn’t giving me any hope. I live far away from where I grew up and don’t have a busy social life (or much of a social life in general) and feel that I can have all the antidepressants and all the therapy in the world but without that close social circle and support around me.
I wish I had it in me and wasn’t too terrified of it not working to just do what I’ve been thinking of for months. I wish I could stop thinking about how much it would hurt my family and friends. I know just that should be reason not to want to do it but it’s not, it just makes me not able to do it. And means I’m stuck here again, with everyone thinking I’m getting better (they have to, they can’t do any more than they already have to help me) and me actually, not wanting to be here.
Please please someone tell me what I can do. I’m back at work on Saturday evening which means I’ve still got empty days feeling like this. Maybe the counselling will work magic and I’ll feel better but I’m really not counting on it