It's taking a lot for me to reach out and I feel desperate. Myself and my family are going through the same an I feel like I'd upset them more if I spoke about this to them.
When I was 7, my brother hung himself. I found him just in time. Although he was blue, my mother preformed CPR and he luckily made it. He made another attempt but was still conscious when I found him. He finally succeeded in 2014. He was my best friend. I've been through abuse in my childhood and bullied by one side of my family.
Life got better secondary school time. I loved life. I lost my weight from being obese and I was happy.
It's just since I lost my brother, I feel like a robot. I have ptsd and I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy. It didn't help that 2 months after he died, I learnt I was 10 weeks pregnant with my long time partner who convinced me it was a good idea to abort. I looked at my baby and wanted to walk out. Although I saw the logic. I was extremely suicidal and couldn't have handled a baby. I sat down to have it done and got up to leave before they injected me. My baby was gone by my own stupid silly choice and being easily lead. I regret it and I'm a horrible person.
I've been blessed with two babies since. They're wonderful but the guilt I feel for my first is unreal. I can't cope with it anymore.
I'm getting married to a man I shouldn't be for the sake of my family and my children. I hope my feelings towards him will improve but I think the damage has been done. He's not too nice to me anymore.
It doesn't help I'm tired and incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal. But I just feel so numb all the time. I can't feel emotions anymore. I feel no passion. No love. (I know I love my babies but I struggle to feel that firey love and register it as an intense emotion) no happiness. Not really sadness at things. I'm just angry all the time. I've tried to get help but our poor NHS is under so much strain, I'm still on a waiting list. But for now, I feel like a robot genuinely. I don't know how to fix me. I've lost all self love. Self confidence. I just get walked over by my partner sometimes and I'm left to do everything in my own.