Is my mother a narcissist?

[Narcnomore]

I’m currently in therapy due to some issues that seem to have been caused by my potentially narcissistic mother. There are definitely some symptoms but she’s also missing quite a few. I’m struggling to accept that after all this time it’s actually her with the problem and not me.

For example, when I was a child she would say to me, “I know you don’t love me, do you?” and even when I was in tears shouting that I did, she kept going and wouldn’t stop. She still does a slightly different version of this now.

She was angry a lot and would beat me with her slipper if I did something wrong.

She threatened to kill me regularly and even now has no understanding of how terrifying that was for me. I was 3/ 4 at the time. As I got older she threatened abandonment and carried through on it once when I was 9. She twisted the truth and told everyone I had ran away which was not true. I was then punished for it.

She liked me to do well but not too well. She liked that I was good at playing the piano but when I started performing and it became clear that I was quite good, she tried to get me to quit by saying I was rubbish and wasting everyone’s time by continuing. However she still has my grade 8 certificate up in the hall for everyone to see!

She loves my sister but seems to hate me. My sister has been given holidays abroad, a car, house deposit, jewellery and money but I’ve had to work for the same things. If I question it I get called selfish and that I should just be happy for my sister. Although, when I got married she did give me £2000 which I am very grateful for but also a bit confused. I had asked her to come wedding dress shopping with me and she said no.

These are just a few examples. I should add that I was always fed and clean, went to uni and played the piano so I feel really guilty for feeling the way I do about her. Does anyone have any thoughts on whether this could be narcissism?

Hi OP. My mother (and father actually) has narcissistic traits and I relate to a lot in your post. The need for utter devotion from you, loving the performance aspect of your success and the attention from other people, but limited interest in you and total inability to see things from your point of view. You feeling guilty for even daring to think negative things about her. It's incredibly damaging to grow up with a parent like this. I found your example of her saying 'you don't love me, do you?' repeatedly particularly chilling

I'm really glad to hear that you're in therapy. I was in therapy for several years and it was by far the best thing I have ever done for myself. It was brutal at times but has helped me more than I can say. The guilt I feel is about 10% of what it used to be.

Have you discussed with your therapist whether your mother might be a narcissist? Your therapist can't give a diagnosis of course, but I raised my concerns with my therapist and she told me that I was probably on the right track. I found that enormously validating and it was a huge turning point in therapy for me.

She sounds very controlling OP. My mother is too but I suspect Mum has high functioning autism and just can't cope. I had food on the table growing up but neither parent could give unconditional love. It's very isolating when you have a difficult relationship with a parent - I always felt things should not have been that way. OP be kind to yourself. For whatever reason your mother is not able to be a good parent to you. You've done nothing wrong, it's her failing. It's very sad and not the way things should be. But you can control the way you respond to such hurt and rise above it. Make connections with others who are much more giving emotionally. But always remember it's not your fault.

Hi MsForestier

Thanks for your replies. Is it fair to hold her responsible for her actions if she is a narcissist? It’s a disorder, so arguably not her fault she’s the way she is. I know I’m looking for excuses but I feel like if I can get my head round this then I might be able to make some progress.

You have been well trained, since you were tiny, to see everything from your mother's point of view, and never to criticise her. What therapy will hopefully help you to do is examine the impact of your mother's behaviour on you. That's the really important thing. It's not about blame, or whose 'fault' this was, although I certainly went through long periods of blaming both my parents, and feeling volcanic, scary levels of anger towards both of them. Therapy will help you to put yourself at the centre of your own life, not your mother.

Can you say what you feel towards your mother at the moment? Do you feel sad? Angry? Betrayed? Let down? Confused? Is it hard to pin down exactly how you feel? There is no 'right' answer to this question by the way

Thanks Lotta. I can’t say I feel anything towards her at the moment, just immense sadness at the whole situation.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is justified or not. I’m pretty sure she’s unwell, even if it’s not narcissism. In which case, how is it OK to feel angry with her for being the way she is? It’s like blaming a cancer patient for feeling sick and tired, isn’t it?

'I don’t know if what I’m feeling is justified or not.'

You don't have to justify your feeling to anyone. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. It's the acting on feeling that can be 'right' or 'wrong' but there's nothing wrong with just feeling emotions.

What would you say to me if I told you that my mother confided me in and used me as a counsellor about her crappy marriage from the age of about 11, openly mocked and humiliated me in front of other adults on more than one occasion, and told me that the depression I was experiencing was 'all in the mind'? How does that make you feel on my behalf?

It makes me feel angry and sad for you. I’m not excusing her behaviour for a second, what she’s done is truly awful but I do wonder what has happened in her life and my mum’s life that has made them like this and perhaps I should be a bit more forgiving because of it.

That is in no way any criticism of you Lotta, it’s just where my thoughts are stuck at the moment. It feels easier to take the blame myself than to face up to the real problem here.

'It feels easier to take the blame myself than to face up to the real problem here.'

Absolutely. This is scary stuff. It also probably feels familiar to you, as people like our mothers condition their children (unconsciously) to turn the blame and the anger inwards rather than outwards. This is hugely damaging.

'Angry' and 'sad'. They're big emotions. We're often much kinder with other people than we are with ourselves, and its' often easier to be clear about what we feel about other people's situations than our own lives

Something has led you to therapy. There's a mismatch between what you think you 'should' be feeling, and what you are actually really feeling deep down. You're feeling that you 'should' forgive your mother, but if it was just that straightforward, then you wouldn't be in therapy
Therapy is about creating a space for you to focus on yourself, the impact of your mother's behaviour on you, and how you actually feel rather than how you 'should' feel. Keep going with it.

My mother is a narcissist and I think even though she is ill, it doesn't absolve her of the consequences of her behaviour - in this case, me going NC to protect my own mental health. I tried so hard for so long but there is literally no way of having a relationship with her that isn't entirely on her terms and therefore damaging to me.

She may be ill, but I'm not going to let her illness ruin my life as well as hers. It's really sad that she doesn't have a relationship with her daughter and future grandchild, but just because it's 'not entirely her fault' (because she has some capacity after all) doesn't mean I should put me or my child at risk.

It upsets her and my grandmother, and has taken a lot of therapy and a lot of anger and upset and fear to get here, but I'm happy with where I am. It feels fair.

Now I'm having a whole lot of therapy for the weird shit brought up because I'm pregnant, but that's a whole other thing

Good luck with therapy, it is so so helpful when you have been conditioned to put everyone else's needs above your own and take responsibility for their feelings.

Your mother treated/treats you terribly. It may be partly due to a mental health condition. That doesn't make it your burden to carry, or your responsibility. It is still terrible to treat a child that way. The two things can be true.