I have a meeting with my boss on Thursday after a week off sick due to depression. I was off a few weeks ago for two weeks for the same reason and that was the first my employer knew of it. They were sympathetic and understanding then (or acted it at least) however this time they seem less so (over email) and I have a meeting on Thursday which, after a week of working stuff out, talking to family and friends, trying to start to feel better, is just making me so stressed I feel sick. It’s not that I have a great job that I can’t stand to lose, it’s that if I lose my job I am not in a great frame of mind for interviews and showing ‘my best self’ to potential new employers, or being unemployed for any length of time. I’ve already lost enough money being off as my employer doesn’t offer full sick pay.
I do understand why they may be irritated because I didn’t turn up for a shift last week. I was in a very bad place, phone was off and work wasn’t on my mind. I’d much rather have been at work than where I was. I don’t know how to explain this to work and I suppose I hoped they might just understand that, as when I apologised the next day I said I was going to need a week off sick, i was struggling and the depression was the reason for not turning up. Obviously it’s not going to be that simple.
But the thought of sitting down and telling them all of that (in more detail though I suppose) is making me want to crawl back into that hole I was in. I found it hard enough telling my best friend I have depression. The words just don’t want to come. I KNOW they can’t just accept that I didn’t turn up and not know the full reasoning. But I’m so frustrated at the thought of telling them. And scared I will show this if they push me to tell them.
I honestly just want to quit on the spot to avoid having to do this. I was picking myself up and starting to accept what I need to do to sort this (start CBT on Friday) and then I got a slightly arsey email from work and it’s just made me go right down again. I don’t know what to do. How do I explain this to them and how do I approach this meeting where all I can currently see myself doing is either crying or getting angry or both. Or possibly (worse) not being able to say a word.
I’ve thought about suicide every day for months. It’s alwags right there. I know this explanation might be what they want or need to be able to ‘forgive’ me as such for not showing up but I don’t think I can do that.