Post natal depression?

[feelingprettycrappy]

I had really bad baby blues for around a week it came on about four days after baby was born. I stopped breastfeeding as a lot of it seemed triggered by the feeding problems we were having and felt better almost instantly.

Baby is now five months and I've been feeling shit for the last 6 weeks or so. I have just come round to thinking maybe it is PND.

I do love baby, I haven't struggled to bond or had any negative thoughts about him but I have fleeting thoughts of he'd be better with his Dad I wish I could run off and leave everyone just be alone. This is entirely unrealistic I have no where to go and very little money and I'm not sure I actually mean it more of just a stupid thought.

A couple of times early in the morning I've thought I could just fall down the stairs as I'm going to make his milk, and that I'd get a rest if I was hurt/in hospital. Again I'm not going to act on it just a stupid thought but am trying to explain my thinking

I may be being over sensitive but have felt very criticised especially by my parents as they do it openly for not going to baby group, talking him on walks and generally going out enough. I was going to a baby class but stopped due to anxiety/nerves at being there and struggling with the motivation to get dressed. This is the same with going out, going for a walk etc I don't want to get dressed, but makeup on... o have no energy or motivation I like just being in the house at the moment

None of this is helped by other things making me feel down, I feel utterly shit about myself have gained weight and have a physical issue I hate and I've felt very focused on it recently and have been having melt downs over it and not wanting to leave the house. I feel a mess too, dry skin, hard feet, puffy face and can't be arsed to do my hair so that's always a mess. Same with my nails- basically don't feel at all myself but don't have the energy/inclination to sort it out.

My marriage is a state we speak to each other like shit, we've already had two conversations about separating since baby was born. Husband is brilliant at being Dad i
can't say I'm unsupported as he does the feed at 12 every night and is helpful when at home, and really adores baby. I feel he's taken to being a parent much better than I have. Also feel the only reason he's here is baby, as he doesn't want to miss out on time with him if he left me.

I'm so tired all the time all of a sudden, I'm not massively sleep deprived, baby sleeps from 12-6 maybe 7 he wakes in the night for dummy, to be swaddled again a few times but it's nothing awful but I feel sick I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open during the day.

I phoned the GP today but couldn't get in, I felt brave enough to make an appt but I am really nervous about what it would mean to be diagnosed with pnd? Will the HV keep doing checks or someone else? Will it be constantly flagged up? Will they think me an unfit mother? If husband did leave could he be given baby due to my mh issues? All this is going through my mind.

Feel bloody pathetic but posting to try and bump this for some traffic. As have no replies and don't feel I have anyone in real life to speak to.

I do have GP appointment tomorrow that my husband has made. He is trying but I don't think our marriage will make it though this.

@feelingprettycrappy I hope your GP appointment went ok, and you got some help. I felt like this for a long time on dd1, and didn’t get help for various reasons, and that was a mistake. My marriage also suffered a bit - partly because if the pnd, but also partly just because of parenthood. It really changes your life and your identity, so will obviously have an effect on your relationship. Things are better now (dd is 2), but they are still different between us.

Anyway, just wanted to post to say you aren’t alone.

Hi Feeling I feel like I could have written your post.

When I look back to when my son was a baby I think I had untreated PND. My son had lots of feeding problems and was generally really unsettled. I was very down for a long time, but like you I never felt distance from him, we bonded well, I adored him so I think I convinced myself it couldn’t be PND which obviously isn’t true. I saw a lot of the HV because of the feeding issues and although she was asking about PND she was happy to accept that it was just the feeding problem.

Like you I didn’t want to leave the house. Everything felt like too much effort, everything was in slow motion. If I was going to leave the house it would be 1 or 2 in the afternoon before I could be ready. My anxiety was through the roof, I didn’t have any confidence in my ability to care for him. I thought everybody in the world could manage and for some reason I couldn’t.

I used to be obsessed with my beauty routine and very into clothes and looking back I can’t believe how I let myself go. I could go weeks without so much as moisturising so I completely understand you not having the headspace to care about that stuff.

My relationship suffered and eventually ended because there was just too much contempt on both sides in the end. I often wonder if I had got help and admitted something was wrong whether we could have stayed together.

I didn’t seek help for depression and anxiety until my son was a toddler so I can’t answer your questions about HV involvement but please don’t let it put you off. Stick to your appointment and start to get the help you need. Maybe if you post on the pregnancy/parenting board you will get more replies of people who are feeling the same.

I've been exactly where you are now. I waited until my baby was over 6 months old to get help because I was anxious about being diagnosed with PND and about taking antidepressants, but I wish I'd done it sooner so that I could have stopped suffering and started feeling better.

PND caused me to be very anxious and that's probably why you're so worried about seeing the GP. I mentioned at my 6 week check and at the baby's 2 month injections that I didn't feel right but each GP suggested to wait a few more weeks to see if my hormones would settle down. Deep down I knew it was more than just hormones though and I eventually went back to the GP and broke down into tears. I was offered antidepressants or go on a waiting list for counselling. I took the tablets and they very quickly helped to even out my thoughts and give me some motivation. I took them for about 4 months and came off them when I became pregnant with baby 2, and luckily I felt completely different after the second birth. I still have bad days and doubt myself sonetimes but the anxiety and stress is nowhere near what it was with my first.

Will the HV keep doing checks or someone else? - I had to go back to GP 4 weeks after starting antidepressants but this is standard practice so they can check the dosage is working. I didn't have any additional checks from HV, just their normal visits
Will it be constantly flagged up? I don't remember it being brought up by HV or GP unless I mentioned it first
Will they think me an unfit mother? No, they will see that you need help to feel like yourself again, and will hopefully offer you treatment to help you.
If husband did leave could he be given baby due to my mh issues? I'd say that seeking treatment for PND could only be seen as a positive step and beneficial to your baby and to you as a parent. PND isn't a choice you've made for yourself, but getting help to treat it is.

Thank you for the replies, I did go to the GP and have been prescribed anti-depressants. I think I feel a bit better for just taking that step and getting there and also for talking about it a bit. I've found a fb post natal support group too.

I start to feel sick every night at this time, I feel so anxious. I've had to put the fan very close to cot tonight due to heat so the movement monitor doesn't work which is making me feel even worse. I constantly feel like something bad is going to happen, and for some reason this gets worse every night!

Oh OP. I really feel for you. A massive well done for going to the GP. It took me years to pluck up the courage, so you've done well by my standards. All I can advise at this stage is that you are not on your own with this. Try to take it a day/hour/minute at a time and have faith it will get better.

I wonder if something for your anxiety might be helpful, just to take when needed, until the antidepressants kick in? I find propanolol useful when I am anxious at night.

How are you finding the side effects so far?

Keep posting. And try to be proud of yourself for taking that brave step yesterday.

Depending on where you live you can do a self referral online for PND.
Once it goes through (a day or 2 normally) you get to have a 'consultation' over the phone with professionals (rather than a GP). Based on the result of that they can suggest treatment and or therapy, or possibly even tell you that you don't have it.
As you said, just doing something about and talking about it is a big step, and one that feels good.