DH won't get help, can't cope

[thesunhasset]

DH has a horrendous upbringing, unstable family, historic abuse which he has told nobody of and a family built on lies and deception.

The last few years he has gone through periods of feeling depressed but we have always managed to get him through and pick him up.

Recently it's been getting worse and worse, he started drinking quite heavily, becoming more and more angry, stressed and disassociated with the family/work.

He's said he doesn't feel loved, feels unattractive, 'knows' I don't want to be with him and I don't like him, and feels he would rather end his life.

We spent the entire night last night talking, as we have done many times before.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. He refuses to see a doctor as feels that once he does that he might aswell be signing his own death certificate as they will to talk about why he feels like this and he doesnt want to bring it all up. He blames me in part for being unwell for the last week and us not sleeping together as to why he feels this way again.

I am so so emotionally drained from the last four years and trying to keep him happy and calm that I'm struggling to keep my own head above after so to speak

I love him more than anything in the World but I really can't keep being his life jacket to the detriment of my own mental health we have DC to think about. I honestly don't know how to help him anymore. I'm
Exhausted all day everyday trying to keep the mood uplifted in the house and ensure DC have normal childhood.

Caring for someone with quite serious mental health issues can be very draining.
I think you should go and see your GP to talk it over and get you some support as well as making them aware of how your dh is.
Is he getting up to go to work?
Don't accept any blame, this certainly isn't your doing. I do feel for dh but he has no right to blame you.
It sounds like he needs professional help. Do you think he's serious when he talks of suicide?

With regards to him being serious, I'm honestly not sure. There was a big argument at Christmas where he was in the wrong, rather than talking about him he stormed off to the nearest train station brought a ticket, stood by the edge and called his dad. That's the closest attempt to have occurred.

I'm so tired all of the time that every time this conversation comes up I'm finding it harder and harder to find things to say and it sounds really horrible and I hate myself for it.

I can't keep propping him up all the time and looking after dc.

We own our own small business and he is running the admin side, so yes he is still going to work not quite as effectively as he could but he is still doing it

Don't hate yourself. I think people underestimate how hard looking after someone with MH issues is, especially If you love them.
What do you think would happen if you said you can't keep doing this unless he gets professional help?

Regarding the talk of suicide, have you asked him? Not an easy question, I get that. Would your GP do a home visit?
Obviously if you ever thought he might be serious you know you can call 999? They'll also be a crisis out of hours team you can call for advice. It could be worth making sure you have the numbers, just in case. I obviously hope it's never needed..

Just a hug from here, I know it's an awful situation. He has an option to help himself .. ffs he could lie to the doctor, say it's work stress ( lack of work stress whichever applies) and end up with medication. But I suspect he won't. Looking after yourself and the DC is exactly the right thing for you to be doing.

I dont think saying I can't carry on if he doesn't get help, will help. He already thinks we are better off without him here, or him leave and I feel that would just be re affirming that to him. Although it's starting to feel it would be best for all of us to have some time and space apart.

What do you think he needs? And what do you need? (Other than your dh well again )

I think he needs to speak to someone professionally about his childhood abuse, I don't know the right things to say or do and as hard as I try I can't understand how he is feeling or how to make it better. I'm fairly certain a lot of his issues t bombing around sex/relationships and low self esteem etc all stem from that.

You need to start seeing him as an addict - as in you didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure it. He is his own responsibility and you are yours. If he won't get help, you have to think about leaving.

Give him an ultimatum if you like, but you have to mean it.

In the meantime, model self-care to him. Eat properly, sleep properly, exercise, socialise. Go for counselling yourself.

Put in boundaries. Don't stay up all night talking to him. You can't fix him.

My mother stayed up with my father. She was a wreck. We were neglected. Don't do it.

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear that you're both suffering. I agree with pps that you need help too. I'm not sure what kind of abuse your dh has been through but this book is very good at helping partners through these kind of situations and I think could be applied to all kinds of childhood trauma. It may help you to find some clarity in all this.

Allies in Healing: When the Person... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0060968834?ref=yopoppmaswf

It gets better

You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure it. He is his own responsibility and you are yours. If he won't get help, you have to think about leaving.

Also, put in boundaries. Don't stay up all night talking to him. You can't fix him.

He has to want to do that himself. He is WRONG to blame you for anything (being unwell, not sleeping with him).

Don't be sucked in. This is his thing to deal with. I'm not surprised you are so exhausted.

The most important thing is your own mental health.

I know I had to do something other than what I had been doing to support my depressed DH, when I was on the cusp of needing treatment for depression myself. After years of trying to support him, listening, walking on eggs shells, making excuses for him, I lost it and gave him the ultimatum - get treatment or leave. He too said he had felt suicidal at times so I said he sought treatment or I would sort it for him. Things improved for a while and then dipped again and again I lost it - another ultimatum and to his credit he has sorted himself out. But he knows - I am NOT his therapist, and I will not, can not go to the depths we did 6-7 years ago. In the end the only type of 'treatment' my DP would consider was Relate counselling - I wasn't keen, but booked an assessment session before he could blink.

OP you are of no use to him, yourself or more importantly your children if you end up needing treatment for depression, anxiety, whatever. This is the conversation you need to have with your DH - "I'm at the stage where I need professional help, I will be asked why, what has caused the depression and I will tell them". Seek help for yourself. When you are feeling stronger you will be in a better situation to judge your next steps.

Please don't let things continue as they are - I let things go for too long and my relationship with DP has not recovered fully and I doubt it ever will. DP's relationship with our DD is also negatively affected although he will deny this.