Is there something wrong with me?

[YouMakeTheRockingWorldGoRound]

I have problems with abandonedment, not with my partner, (we've been together for years) but with co-workers that I felt I had a connection with, and they leave to go onto another job and I feel I will never see them again. Never do.

I self harm. (this has taken a lot for me to actually admit this) I struggle with change. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was diagnosed with depression when I was Uni, Given anti depressants which in heinsight only made me manic. Alcohol can do that too, or make me want to self harm more. I never know which one is going to turn up.

Fast forward 10 years later and I thought I had got over this and I'm doing it again.

I thought it was SAD as my change in emotions was pretty evident in the colder months, but recently I feel I feel this isn't the case.

I don't who I am anymore. I rang nhs 24 last Saturday drunk, self harmed, in desperation i suppose. I have a young child. My parter is so loving with me, and fantastic with him.

I really feel on some level that I'm one more drink away from being sectioned. I realise that sounds dramatic, but I really feel this and I'm scared.

Oh my goodness, I feel for you. I’m not sure I can give you any helpful advice, but sending you huge hugs.
I started self harming at about 12 years old and only ever stopped periodically. Medication for depression did not make things any better for me. I turned to alcohol to make me feel something, as I was so depressed, I was feeling empty. DSD (15) has started to do the same unfortunately. Go to your doctor, and if you can afford to, see a therapist. Talk things through with your partner. It’s hard not to be dramatic when your head isn’t straight. Xxx

Op you must not just put up with feeling this way. See your dr. Keep seeing them and pursuing help. You deserve to feel good.

I don't want to do to go to the gp. I've been before. I don't trust myself with pills. I took too many anti depressants before and ended up in hospital. This was years ago, but I feel like I'm sliding down again. I knew something was wrong last year, but I shook it off. I thought I was ok.

I have work tomorrow and I don't want to go in, I do, when I'm there I'm fine. It's when I'm at home and I can't help myself.

I've got to the point where I just find anything I can to harm myself. Only in the past couple of weeks.

How about a&e? I say how about but how you're feeling is classed as a medical emergency by their standards.

I don't want to go to a&e. I don't need to go there.

How come you self harm, do you think? Is there anything in particular going on in your life that makes you particularly sensitive at the moment? How was it when you were little, at home with your parents?

I don't know. Lots of reasons. Sometimes as a punishment, or if I've had a bad day, or just because I'm hell-bent on destroying myself.

Home life wasn't great. I moved around a lot. Alcoholic parent, one emotionally abusive parent, which I keep very low contact with now. My other parent passed away a few years ago.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Today my emotions have been all over the place. Feel like I'm not here one minute, the next I want to cry, the next I'm happy and now I'm sad again. I feel like I'm going crazy and it's all my own doing.

Anyone here I can talk to?

It's difficult to find someone around at night when people sleep. But morning is here now, so more people will come to their computers......

I think you might want to consider going nc with your emotionally abusive parent.

There is a good book called "Families and how to survive them" by John Cleese (yes!) and Robin Skynner, it's in dialogue form, in the book they discuss problems and issues that sound similar to some of the problems you're facing now (even though the book is somewhat old but these types of problems have been around for ages). Here is the book now: www.amazon.com/Families-Survive-Them-Cedar-Books-ebook/dp/B0031RS86C?tag=mumsnetforum-21 See the customer reviews at the bottom, below the book details. The books is also on Google Books so you might easily have a copy on your phone in a few minutes time. I'm not sure how it works on an iPhone. You might want to get yourself a Kindle just in order to read this book, in my opinion, because I saw that Amazon had a Kindle copy available at a reasonable price.

Hi OP,
I'm not sure if you're still up but i rarely sleep (although 1 of my DC is really unhappy tonight so may need to go, they're just trying to skerp again ATM).
I honestly think you need to go back and see your doctor.
Clearly no one can diagnose you over a few posts (and certainly I'm not qualified to do so) but have you ever considered borderline personality disorder?
Either way I think it's time for an honest chat with your doctor, particularly over the self harm.
Let us know how you get on.

Oh, and whatever happens it's not "your own doing", it's just the natural effect of what happened to you in the past. With the right treatment of your problem, you might start to feel stable and composed, happy with your life. Maybe you learned from your abusive parents to look down on yourself, and for that reason you want to punish yourself even now, but it's just a remainder of very unfair views and opinions you unconciously learned and copied from your parents as a little child.

Thank you for everyone's replies.

I took a bad turn last night. Ended up in hospital and was almost, I don't know if there there's an easier way to say this, bus sectioned. Thankfully I wasn't. Was given an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist today, been given AD and further appointments with the psychiatrist and CBT.

I feel like I'm at rock bottom and completely out of it right now.

And I've had about 2 hours sleep last night, which I know also isn't helping.

Look up borderline personality disorder. 2 of the symptoms are fear of abandonment and self harm.
Hope you're getting the care you deserve.

I was also going to suggest reading up on BPD to see if you can relate to the symptoms?

Going by what you've said it could be a possibility

If you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up! It's great you got an appointment with a professional psychiatrist who will naturally know how to deal with these issues, you're hardly the first person who has had this kind of background! Sad as that is. But it also means they will have an idea how to treat your symptoms.

Thank you. I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. I have looked into BPD before, but I don't know whether to mention it to the psychiatrist next time I see him.

I do suffer from mood swings, particularly in reaction to other people, I just assumed I was just really sensitive. I was able to keep under control, but as I can see it just made things worse.

I've been given a week's worth of mirtazapine 15mg. I just wanted to stay in bed all day, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. But I've made the effort to try and get out.

I have work on Monday so I'm worried about how I will come across when I'm back as they're not aware of what happened over the weekend.

The weekend? I don't know why I said the weekend. Sorry my head's all over the place. I meant last Thursday.