I’m married with young children - late 30s, so a world away from teenage years etc. If people in my life now could see what I was like back then, I’m a totally different person. But occasionally (increasingly often?) feelings from the past keep resurfacing.
I suffered from crippling anxiety and depression from 15 onwards, all through my 20s. I spent 3 years (15-18) hiding away from people at school (in locked toilets, the library...anywhere I could hide at break times) and then coming home to my room to sink into a terrible pit of despair. It was a very dark time and I came close to suicide. I self harmed to cope (cut myself with knives), which went on regularly for about 5 years. Somehow I made it through my 20s, faced job interviews by taking Valium, and gradually carved a life out for myself, very slowly. I worked so hard to pretend to be confident. Pretend to be the person I thought I should be, someone prople would like, pretend to be happy when I may not have been....I’ve become a very good actress. Some of it has become part of who I am now, and maybe some of it is actually the person I was meant to be before the terrible depression hit me. If I told anyone in my life now this story, they would be totally shocked. I’m bubbly, I circulate around groups chatting and involving others (I’m very tuned in to people who are left out, or feeling uncomfortable).
But sometimes I lose the front a bit for whatever reason and the mask slips. I just feel sad and quiet again; back to the socially awkward and shy person I was. If someone seems concerned I can’t help crying. And suddenly I’ve confused people because I appear to be a totally different person...until I get the mask back on again. Sometimes / often I’m genuinely happy but I’m worried that it doesn’t take a lot for me to really sink back to those feelings of depression.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I can’t speak to anyone irl so I suppose I just wonder if this is normal - to change so much that you feel unrecognisable sometimes. I have had counselling before - for bereavement, and for marriage problems. But I’ve never spoken about the self harm, and other things like laxative abuse and weight issues.
I do wonder if counselling might help but 90% of the time I feel ok so I’m not really sure. It’s just that 10% of the time when I really crash and I feel a fraud for pretending to be someone I’m not.
Sorry for waffling. I’d really appreciate any thoughts / advice.