WWYD re visiting elderly mum but struggle to leave house

[Imreallynotok]

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for many many years now, it means I barely leave the house at times and can barely drive, I'm unable to work and struggling financially. I try hard to be kind to myself, taking it easy and doing things in little steps.

Which is all ok except my mum lives several hundred miles away and pushes for me to visit a lot. I manage to go about 3 times a year for a weekend ... any longer and I start to suffer panic attacks.

At the moment things are really bad. I haven't seen her since February and she keeps asking when I'll be visiting. I've no siblings but she lives in a great place, flats in sheltered accommodation, lots and lots of friends in the same building and in the same town. She can still get out and about to shop and visit friends and walk her dog and I help by ordering her big shop online.

I feel like a terrible daughter but I'm really struggling at the moment. I can't afford the train fare, I've various hospital appointments coming up but am still waiting for the dates. But also I just can't face the journey, or being away from home.

What would you do in my position? I don't know if I'm being selfish ... i think i am but on the other hand I don't think I can do it ever again.

Once my dd has finished school I plan to move closer which should make things easier I hope. But that's another year away.

My dm doesn't understand mental health illnesses, she thinks I need to just get on with things. I should be working, driving. She also thinks I should take my dd out of school in the middle of A levels to move house to be nearer to her

I can't think straight these days and I can't stand up to her because she always makes me feel guilty if I don't go ... telling me so and so's daughter visits all the time, so and so's son rings every night, etc. I already know I am and always have been a massive disappointment to my parents ... divorced, no degree, now no job ... if I do visit it's never long enough and she cries when I leave ...

Sod that for a game of soldiers - stay home! If she were understanding of your problems, and just lonely and missing you it might be different (only in that I'd suggest you set up skype or facetime to chat more!), but she doesn't bother to understand what you're going through, she wants to hoick an A-level student out of school mid A-level, and she does massive guilt trips on you?! Sod that!

As a side note, I wonder how much of your depression and anxiety is due to growing up feeling like a disappointment? I hope you know that if they do think that, it's them being massive sods, NOT you being disappointing?

If it helps you feel better about the situation, set up Skype/facetime, and tell them that you can't make a commitment to dates to visit just yet, but, oh isn't the weather lovely, and how's aunty mabel - ie brush off the question and change the subject.

As to moving closer, make sure you're doing that for you and your DD, NOT just so your mother can guilt you at closer range! Hugs

I’d say stay put, if your mum doesn’t understand MH now then she never will.
You could do more, but from what your saying about how she is
It would never be enough for her.

If she’s got lots of friends and can get out, then that’s more than you can. She should be bloody counting her blessings.

People that don’t get anxiety/ depression always think you can just get on with it, every persons symptoms are totally different. Some have anxiety and are still able to WORK, other have crippled anxiety and CANT physically and mentally.

I’d say do as jam suggest
Skype/ FaceTime if you can manage without getting to stressed out, if you do forget it. Just ring. If she goes on about visiting, ringing etc
Just say. You have a house to run, shopping, appts etc (don’t mention mh issues she doesn’t understand or want too) your not upto a visit at moment or can’t afford it then change the subject. Weather, tv programme, anything.

You move closer, you may regret it.

Thanks for the replies .. i thought I'd get flamed.

I've tried setting up Skype but she can't or won't use it on her tablet.

I've said before I can't afford to visit but then she says she'll pay but only gives me £40 towards a ticket that costs £150. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, I am of course grateful but the fact remains that I still can't afford it, apart from struggling due to anxiety.

Yes I do think I've never been good enough and it's upset me a lot in the past.

I do want to move to the area actually, it's at the seaside and the sea calms me a lot, so in that respect it would hopefully be good for me.

I think she'd say she's very caring and in her own way she is, but she never speaks to her middle and youngest grandchild and has shown very little interest all their lives, which i find very upsetting too.

If u want to go near the sea (which is lovely) then do it when your ready

Don’t think you will ever please someone like your mum,.
Do what you want to do, when you want to and not because you feel pressured too as that’s not good for anxiety suffers (me too) will just heighten anxiety and wind you up

So you have 3 kids and she doesn’t speak to the other 2, even when she sees them when you go to stay?

You can’t run your life round what she thinks you should do, like you say she’s not short of friends and can get out and not fuelled by anxiety. Massive difference

Don’t feel bad, toughen up and think about yourself and kids

Sorry btw, I namechanged and forgot to change back.

Sorry should have been more clear ... one dd lives abroad, she dotes on her, other two in the UK but older, don't visit her with me, but she never calls them or sends messages. They aren't close to her because she's never shown much of an interest.

Now she's demanding the whole family (i.e. me and my kids) visit later this year for her big birthday. The train cost alone will be £600, on top of that flights for eldest dd, and disruption re school. I'm just getting more and more stressed and can't face it. I no longer want to talk to her ... today I hunched that it might not be possible and she was upset and angry. No idea what to do. I've got so much going on right now, it's extra stress and I can't cope anymore.