I’m going to list the positive things in my life before all the negative... I have a beautiful new 5 week old baby boy, a wonderful 7yo daughter and a very loving DH and family. I’m happily married and live in a lovely home.
Now... the negatives: I have a drug induced involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that was caused by taking an antipsychotic following a head injury, post concussion syndrome and breakdown theee years ago. I’m unemployed after my freelance contract last August. My DB passed away last year from bowel cancer aged 34.
The physical symptoms of my head injury have become a lot better (these also included cognitive symptoms and anxiety which were very difficult to deal with) , but the other symptoms of my movement disorder are still present, and make me feel very self conscious and like they will affect my employment prospects and whether any future employers will be willing to overlook odd tic-like movements and involuntary movements like lip smacking and grimacing - particularly if I am in a public facing role.
Since having my planned c-section recently, I have noticed in the last week that odd new physical sensations have been affecting me that may or may not be related to my movement disorder - tingling, burning feelings in my hands, legs, face, fingers, and even eyes and mouth that feel very uncomfortable. These could be the side effects of some of the anaesthetics they used, that are emerging as my hormone levels adjust, or it could just be something completely unrelated to any of my previous health conditions. Whatever the cause, I constantly feel in quite a bit of pain physically all over and it is really affecting me mentally to the point where I am starting to get very depressed at my body being uncooperative.
Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ and have a body that lets me enjoy life without being always aware of what it is (and isn’t) doing? I know there are many people out there who are much worse off in many ways both emotionally and physically but these health conditions and my movement disorder affect me so much... I always feel so guilty complaining about seemingly trivial issues but I honestly don’t feel like many people, including health professionals, can truly relate or understand. It makes me feel quite down, and I often don’t know who to turn to at times. I always on Facebook support groups for people with the same conditions and I feel they are the only people who can truly get how I feel. When I lie in bed at night and cry myself to sleep over things like this though, it takes so much strength to stay positive and see all the good things I have in my life. I’m so sad sometimes. 😢