Sorry if this isn't quite the right place or most suitable.
Trigger warning
Memories...
Age 3-4 I remember early morning in bed, my labia hurt, very sore, pain down there.
4-5 My dad is in my bed, it's a small double I shared with my sister, I'm scared of the dark, scared of the dark, scared of monsters. But I am not nor ever have been scared if the dark.
4-5 I remember lying face down in bed, pulling my PJ bottoms and knickers down to my ankles, and thrusting under the covers, I knew something could go inside between my legs.
8 yr old, started developing breasts, he washes me in the shower once. I have a non identical twin who said he never washed her.
13-14 tells me about his sex life with my mum (or lack of it), his problem with porn and masterbation, and told me that when he was a child he rested his penis on an older girls vagina.
14-15 a few times I needed help on the computer, he would leam over me, no shirt on and press his belly/body onto my back, both arms around and over mine and lean his full weight into me and grind sightly
14-16 Obsessed with who I chatted to on MSN, deleted males, pretended to be me when speaking to them, listened in to phone calls.
Should also add I told/hinted at/intimated about things to my grandmother (his mum) and she told him, he said I was lying and hit me.
I began comfort eating and by age 11 i weighed 11 stone. Things stopped as I gained weight, but sort of started when I lost weight and then stopped when I regained weight.
I've had issues with panic attacks and depression since 14, IBS, I'm a shy introverted person but extremely cautious, don't feel at ease or trust others.
I felt like a freak, outcast, not normal, why can't I just be normal/fit in, what's wrong with me?
I felt shame and guilt and worried that if someone liked me then when they found out the real me or the truth about me or my evil secret then they would hate me or not like me. I'd be scared to open up and let people in, scared of rejection but desperately lonely and lost. I'd have to pretend to be happy and wear a mask but inside I was screaming and dying inside.
I'm happily married to a wonderful man we have a beautiful son, I've lost weight and have a bmi of 22, I've not had a proper panic attack for 3 years, no IBS or depression and turned my life around but there is still this block which I wish I could physically remove or shake out of me.