Sorry this will be long.
I'm 23 years old. I have suffered with depression since starting high school age 11. It has got progressively worse over the years, and I have been under the GP with regular reviews for the past 3 years. I have tried anti depressants, groups, counselling etc and nothing has worked.
I have good patches and bad patches and sometimes life will be okay for a while. I have been in a psychiatric unit due to a complete mental breakdown, I also had to take a year out of uni, leave work etc.
I left an emotionally abusive relationship some time ago and had to move back in with my parents. I have a new partner who I have known for years and I love deeply. I want nothing more than to spend my life with them and get married etc etc. He currently lives with his parents too (who are also unsupportive and don't really care about him) after a lot of family trouble etc meant he lost his flat. He works and I do not due to mental health problems but I have a job interview next week and have been trying to get back into work but I have no motivation for this even though it's a job I know that I LOVE because I've done it before and it's a very good job and the only job I've ever been satisfied with.
My parents are manipulative and abusive in some ways I suppose. They can be very nice and supportive and act understanding but then if I say something they don't like/do something wrong in their eyes etc they switch. I feel I am constantly compared to other people (even people they don't know) and nothing I can do is good enough. I am crying constantly because being in the house makes me feel sick. My partner and I can't move out due to bad credit scores (from when we were younger) and we have no guarantor to rent. I have applied for council housing but am a very low priority band so it's very very unlikely we will ever get housed by them.
I know if I got this job it would make life easier and we could save up to move in together etc but everything seems so bleak.
I don't want to exist. I've had enough. Under my parents' roof I am terrified, constantly nervous and treading on eggshells in case they think I do something wrong or I am waiting to get into trouble for something. I feel like I can't even live or be my own person but I can't see any way out other than a permanent one that removes me from everything. I would hate to put my partner through it and he is the only good thing in my life at the minute. I want the job I am going to be interviewed for but I don't want to work while under my parents' roof because they will take money off me (I understand I should pay rent etc) and I will never be able to save up and they will still find other things to pick on me for and I will not be in a good frame of mind for working. I feel I will never get better living here. I don't know what to do. I wish somebody would help but none of our families are willing to help. I won't last living here much longer but it will take months to save up to leave. I feel so stuck!!