Suicide

[lunatunes]

My best friend of 23 years hung herself yesterday due to suffering depression and anxiety made worse by obsessive thoughts. We knew she was ill but were unaware how bad she was. She hid from us how bad she was, we all thought she was getting better. I can not believe she is gone. She was the best friend a girl could have. My partner in crime. We've been through so much together. I honestly never saw this coming. How could i not have known?! Why couldn't she talk to me?!
I'm going to grow old and she will always be young. I'll leave her behind. I can't believe this has happened. I'm so sad, I will never get over this.

While I was asleep she was walking to the place where she was going to kill herself. All alone. In the dark. I can't get the image of her so lonely out of my head, crying. Her hanging until someone found her. I'm devastated. This will haunt me forever. She was the last person you would ever think would do something like this. Such a horrible end. Such a beautiful person.

Massive massive hugs.

I promise you that you could not have known; you could not have seen this coming. People that far into mental illness are very good at hiding how bad things are from the outside world. It wasn't that she couldn't talk to you; it's not that you did anything wrong. Depression makes people feel alone - they feel like they can't talk to anyone at all - it's part of the illness.

I lost a friend to suicide decades ago. We never knew how he felt. Your friend sounds like him - a bright and shining star who burned too brightly, and felt things too intensely, for their own good. They are at peace now - it's left to us to remember them and make sure that all the wonderful things that they were and did are never forgotten.

I'm so sorry there are no words, I know.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your friend. I just can't believe she is gone. Just like that. I feel so sad for her that she felt that low that she thought that was the only way out. We all tried but nothing we said made her feel any better. I wish I could've done something. What will I do without her? She should've been by my side while we grew old. Experienced life together. I miss her so much already. She tried to get professional help but nothing worked. I didn't know how bad she was. Life is so unfair she had everything to live for but couldn't see it. Mental illness is horrific, my heart goes out to anyone suffering from it and their families and friends. Please get help if you need it. There is always a way through it.

Hugs. The aftermath of something like this is very hard. You will go through many different emotions - some times you'll feel like you are coping, and other days it will be unbearable. Keep on keeping on. Talk about her to your mutual friends. About the things she said, and the things she did, and the things she liked, and the things that made you laugh. I read a book once, which to be fair was mostly pretty poor, but which made the beautiful point that "remembering is the cure for death". She's not here with you physically now, and that is awful, but she is always with you in your heart.

Oh, sweetheart. l'm so sorry. l do kind of understand as my 83 year old mother took her own life six years ago, three weeks before Christmas. No note or anything. And don't blame yourself for not realising 'how bad' she was - a doctor saw my mam the week before she died, and told me she was "a bit depressed". When people get that low that they contemplate suicide, they can mask it. Very often their friends and family say they had no idea. lt isn't your fault.

This is so awful for you when you were so close. l don't know what else to suggest except talk to people, and please ask for help if you need it. Huge hugs x

I’m so sorry this has happened lunatunes. Unfortunately if people are set on something like that, they will deliberately hide it from people: they don’t want to be stopped. The people who say something are those that are unsure, or who do want to be stopped. There is nothing you could have done as you are not psychic!

I don’t know if this is helpful or crass- if so, I apologise. It’s not about me, but I don’t know if my experience helps with your haunting image. I’ve failed suicide more times than I care to recall. But I’ve never approached it lonely/crying- it was something I wanted and wasn’t scared of. A couple of times when I thought I’d done it the feeling was relief, not fear. I expect that is the same for many people who succeed. Now I find it petrifying that I ever felt this way. It was so powerful at the time, and is so utterly repulsive now. When people are thinking that way reality is very distorted and most often people can’t imagine the damage or upset they cause to the people left behind. Depression completely fucks with people’s brains and ability to think rationally- it is a bastard and I’m so sorry your friend wasn’t able to get through it.

There are organisations who support people who’ve lost loved ones to suicide- have you been in touch with any of them?