I just can’t cope sometimes

[WhiteLily83]

I’m a mum to two kids.

One is school age the other goes to a Childminder while I work.

My husband is helpful he does breakfast for the kids before work - youngest doesn’t always eat well so I often spend time feeding the youngest. I get them to school and I work from home.

My Job is pressurised it’s sales and has targets. I’m fairly new to the company - I’m still getting to know people. I struggle working from home. I need people around me.

I could do this job elsewhere but at the moment I get to do 7 of the 10 school runs during the week.

What’s concerning me is that I keep looking up my aunty’s suicide. She hung her self 8 years ago. She was like a second mum. We also lost my dad to a sudden illness. My dad was an alcoholic.

I’m feeling increasingly anxious about life. I’m hiding my anxiety to my work place because it’s new. I get heart palpitations.

I pressurise myself to lose weight and I work out 3 times a week. I have a high BMI so this is good for my mental health but today I’m not well and I couldn’t train. This is making me anxious - I ate white bread this is making me anxious.

I have been orally raped when at university and I was abused on a one off basis at the age of 6 by a man in a confined space. Sexually. Touching my private parts.

Everything is getting to me. I feel isolated my kids feel like hard work. My job feels challenging. I live far from my family. I feel run down. I feel anxious.

I’m trying mindfulness

I’m not suicidal but I keep looking into what drove my Aunty to kill herself. Do I need help? Or can I get through this on my own? I just feel traumatised.

Hi, I would go to you gp and ask to be referred for counselling. You've had a number of trauma's that seem like you haven't been able to deal with or move on from and that is normal but counselling could help that. I would persevere with the meditation you are trying, it takes a while for that to take an effect on your every day life. Xx

Thank you for your response @nogods. As the day went on I just got on with it. But my anxiety causes me sleep problems but mindfulness is helping with this. I will speak to my GP

You poor thing. You sound traumatised which is perfectly understandable . Please get some counselling from someone who specialises in trauma. Or go to your GP and ask for urgent help.. and not medication.
Be kind to yourself. You have had some horrible experiences and you are isolated at home all day. Your mind is working overtime trying to process your experiences and you’re crashing.
Is there anything you enjoy that makes you feel better? Focus on what makes you feel good and try to break up your day so you’re not alone and slogging on with work all the time. It’s no wonder you feel broken . You will mend with support however.

@moon thank you. Yes I think it’s the isolation driving me into my thoughts. I think mentally working from home isn’t for me. My job is so pressured. Not only targets but demanding high level clients. I had two calls with Chief execs today and they fine but I just find myself getting distracted by all these thoughts.

I didn’t know trauma counselling was a ‘thing’ or available on the NHS. Do you think I should try getting into an office? I work part time and I can’t make this job fit in the hours I do. I’m always the last to collect the children always chasing my tail.

I enjoy the gym and literally squeeze it in. I’m so so tired all the time too

Trauma counselling is a thing but probably not available from the GP. If you are based in London I can recommend someone. I also know someone in Bath. If you look at a psychotherapist or counsellors specialisms they will list trauma if that is an area in which thwybhave a particular interest.