Can't help feeling guilty, esp about DS going to nursery

[jackie2kids]

I have been reading stuff and following convs on here and have started to feel real guilt about having put DS into nursery from 6mnths while I worked part time.

He is nearly 4 and starting school soon, so its abit late to feel bad, but I worry that some of his boistrous tendancies and excessive clingyness when younger were exacerbated by being at nursery.

This is not a criticism of other peoples choices as I don't worry about DD being at nuresry. I just wonder whether in hind sight it was the right choice for DS.

Jackie, for a start, being very clingy and boisterous sounds like normal young boy behaviour to me

I am sorry you are doubting your choices. It is so hard when we feel we may have made mistakes in the past. I don't know whether it was the right choice for your ds or not, but I do know that none of us get it right all the time, and we all have to go through the situation where we look back and think "I messed that up." All you can do, is to try and do the best you can for them NOW and in the future. I am sure you are doing that.

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Thank you FZ for your thoughtful reply.

DS was always upset when I left him at nursery (still is now sometimes)but always seemed happy when I picked him up. I thought that going to nursery would help him socialise (may be it has)but have recently read things that make me wonder whether it made his problems worse.

In my rational moments I can see that he is a happy, lively nearly 4yr old so probably no harm done. As my LOs grow up I keep wondering whether I could have been a better mum.

I guess the main thing is to try to be a better mum right now!

Dior did your DS go to nursery?

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You need to come to me and I will reassure you. In fact you might benefiting him and those who are with their babies 24 hours a day might be damaging them. There are many views. I have 5 children who all differ and they were all treated the same as far as I can see so it's just how they are. Boys are often boistrous. It's what we want. A quiet boy may be a defective boy. Normal boy behaviour needs to be appreciated more. Glad mine are in an all boys school where everyone knows what boys are like.

I know what you mean jackie, i some times feel the same.
However when logic kicks in, and i have on my sensible head i ALWAYS feel reassured that i did the right thing FOR HIM and not for me.
He got stimulation that i could never have offered him.
He experienced things that me alone could not have provided for him.
He met friends that other wise he would never have met..kids he is going on to school with in September.
He has experienced other adults who have provided structure to his week.
His life has been enhanced and he has flourished because i made the decision to do this for him.

And yet, i still feel guilty.
Its crazy thoughts and i try not to let them in as they just add to the dark depressive thoughts.

When my eldest dd was 6 months old my ex h left me and when she was a year old I had to go back to work full time, I had no choice, I wanted to pay my own mortgage and be independant.
I hardly ever saw her and I had terrible problems with her behaviour as well as myself being completely knackered!

7 years later and I'm happily married again, don't have to work at all, and have a second dd now 4.

The difference now is I Home educate my eldest, the youngest goes to pre-school 3 mornings, she hates going and I feel terribly guilty leaving her in tears, but it's only for a short while.

My eldest dd is happy, confident, academically 4 years ahead of her peers and has no emotional scars from being in nursery full time for almost 4 years.

We do what we have to do in the best way we can.
My youngest is extremely clingy and she's had far more of my time and attention, it's her personality.

From what I've seen boys are definitely ALL boisterous.

Don't feel guilty you can't change the past!
He's only 4!

"As my LOs grow up I keep wondering whether I could have been a better mum"

this suggests to me that you are being the best mother that you can! Try not to make the present a sad time by dwelling too much on the past. How can you improve things right now for yourself and your ds? That is what is important.

My son was both those of things, but was with me until he went to school (well, he came with me to my place of work from 11-20 months, but at home the rest of the time). It sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me.

Everybody does what they have to do, and you can't do better at any given time than the solution to circumstances at the time + personality and ability. As Libby Purves put it, (my paraphrase) you only have to be a good enough mother, not "perfect" (whatever a "perfect" mother is).

In fact if you try to be perfect you're trying too hard and damage the child. You juts have to be good enough and do other things in your life. It's the trying to be too perfect mothers who feel guilty and end up doing a worse job.

Thank you Thank you Thank you, ALL

You're replies are all very reassuring. DS is a lovely boy and my working part time was to support the family long term (as having kept my job I have now negotiated term time contract, which I wouldn't get in a new job).

Xenia and FZ, I think you're right, I need to enjoy my kids as they are now, not worry about doing it right or wrong and past decisions.

I don't think you can go very wrong if you love them. Apparently children who have been in nursery do better in school than those who haven't.