I don’t want to keep going anymore

[Jhr299]

I don’t know why I’m writing this or what I want from it but I’m so done now I just want to disappear. I wish I had the guts to kill myself, I really do, but I’m a) scared it won’t work and I’ll have to deal with the repercussions of that. b) scared it’ll hurt and c) unable to hurt my family that way. I know this means I am still thinking logically in some part but I just want to be gone. I don’t want help. I’ve had anti depressants and they do nothing I’ve stopped taking them 2 days ago. I’ve been put on a waiting list for counselling and maybe I’ll go but I see no way it can help. My depression does t come from traumatic events, family issues, a bad break up, nothing. I just am. Which is why I can’t see how it can be fixed. I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve talked about it and it makes no difference. I still sit alone thinking of how I could die. I can’t see anything getting better at all and I’m sick of living this life when people around me are actually living, properly, and I can’t. What do you do when you want to die, but can’t, but there is nothing that will make living better. Or there is but I want to die so much that I refuse to see it? I don’t want attention or help from a doctor, therapist, family, friends, work. I do not want to attempt to kill myself as a ‘cry for jelp’ I just want to be gone.

It’s awful to feel that way

How long has it gone on?

Do you have a contact number for the crisis team? From what you're describing you need more intervention than counselling. You can also present at A&E if you do want immediate help.

I'm not sure what best to say because I hear you, I feel the same so so often. But we have to keep going for, well, something. If you don't want to contact anybody tonight, are there things you can do to get you through to tomorrow? Just something to distract you from how you're feeling?

Please, please keep taking the pills. They do take time to start having an affect. I know you say you don't want to talk to anyone, is there someone you can be with even if you say nothing or just sob? I know how dark everything can seem at the moment, but it can get better. Can you get a referral to a private counsellor to get an earlier appointment. Your life does have meaning, it's just not very obvious to you at the moment, please seek help, I am sure there are people who love you and would want to care for you.

I just don’t want to talk. I was off work last week, I talked to my mum, almost completely openly not quite mentioning suicidal thoughts. And look where I am again. Samaritans I just don’t get how that’s meant to help. I text once, and it just made me feel stupid like I was texting an AI robot or something for advice when I wanted to kill myself. I just don’t know what to do because nothing helps and no one helps, not through any of their own faults, but I feel like this is so deep ingrained in me that I can’t stop it. If it was due to a breakup, a physical ill ess, family issues, ANYTHING that I could actually pin point, then maybe talking would help because I’d have something to work from. I’ve felt for a long time that I will die by suicide. I don’t know when, how, where, but I just feel so certain that one day I will have the guts, that or these feelings will just get worse and worse and worse and they’ll take over any nerves, guilt, etc.

I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I wish I could take on someone else’s terminal illness, swap places with someone who died in an accident. Someone who’s life had meaning and purpose and was a life or could be a life because mine doesn’t and isn’t and can’t. I just want to be able to go without destroying my family.

OP - please think about restarting the medication even if it is just while you seek medical help on how to stop altogether. Going cold turkey can leave you feeling a lot worse, so you may need to slowly wean yourself off (with medical support, for example prescribing lower dose pills).

I have felt some of the things you write about. I wish there was a magic answer but you know there isn't.

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling like this. It might be better to phone the Samaritans rather than text. The phone number is 116 123 (UK).

A friend of mine was feeling like this a couple of years ago but now she has a boyfriend, a different job, got herself out of debt and is also doing creative hobbies.

Could you try to consider that what you are thinking is not to be trusted because you are depressed. The depression is stopping you from seeing all the positives. Everyone can have meaning in their lives. You can choose to create a meaningful way of living.

Oh lovely woman, I don't think you actually want to die. You just want it to stop. For a bit. You're just done with living. Living's hard. And a bit rubbish sometimes. But no doubt there's someone that wants you (Not needs you, WANTS you).

Living's just the bit we do between being born and the coffin. And the Universe is huge and unfathomable. But you're a part if it. Whatever you do effects the whole thing. So none of us are worthless. It's just finding that tiny bit, however small.

You mean something.

And darling, you're depressed. I've been there, I used to lie in bed wishing I lived in the States so I could put a bullet through my brain from a hand-gun. I used to lie in bed thinking 'I wish I could just shoot myself' And I meant it.

I was depressed.

It was a horrible sadness. I wish I could tell You what made me feel better, I don't know. But I don't feel like that any more. I actually feel really positive these days.

Things will change. They always change if you give them time.

How are you doing this morning @Jhr299 ?

I’m still going. I stayed in bed until 11. Got up and went about my day and part of it was nice, I was on my own but took the dog out and had a swim. I guess I felt as good as I possibly could but the darkness is just constantly there and I feel bad physically too the brain zaps from the tablet withdrawals and stomach pain and tiredness. General heaviness I guess. Im at work tonight which is hard because I’m exhausted. I’m so good at putting one a face though I just do it automatically now which is why I find it so hard to talk about my depression, even if I wanted to. I don’t know where I can go from here, I feel like I’m just going to be stuck in this situation forever, feeling like this and wanting to go but not being able to go.

I’ve been reading things, about ‘reasons to live’ and other suicide type blog posts which are full of things like, meeting your soulmate, having children, holding hands in silly places, stargazing with the only person you truly care about

And I don’t get it. Does anyone who feels suicidal think these things helpful? Do they stop anyone? Because all I see are a list of things that whether I kill myself lr not, I won’t have. I’m 24 and I’ve never had a long term relationship. I’m not a mum, I know this is mumsnet but it’s the first mental health forum I found where people reply. I love my family but they live far away, same with my closest friends. I cannot see in any life, myself meeting someone who I will marry, have kids with, stay with. Because I know what I’m like and how I look and how I act and I know no guy will ever love any of those things. My best friends, my sister, my brother are all in serious long term relationships/marriages and have actual lives. Not me and I don’t think it will ever be me and it’s all I want. I want that life that normal life that some might see as boring. And I’m never going to have it.

I hear you OP, can’t live and can’t die is how I feel, stuck is the right word because there’s nowhere to go, chronic depression is so fucking painful and debilitating, I wish I had some words of wisdom, I don’t, but wanted to let you know I am in your boat with you

How long have you been on anti depressants and which ones are they? (If you don't mind me asking). Some can make depression worse as ironic as that sounds, they did with me. Might help to get them changed to different ones. I know that's not going to solve the root of your depression but that's where the counselling comes in. I really hope you get to see someone soon, in the meantime just cut to us on mumsnet

I hear you Jhr299, I really do. I am not sure that the reason to live type blog posts help me but my guess is that they help some people(?)

For me at the moment a lot of it is about accepting where I am and doing what I can within that to make getting through easier.

I feel like I’m getting more and more frustrated every day with this I just cannot think of what to do and how to move on from feeling like this. The only reason I’m staying alive is because I don’t want to hurt people. And I guess partially because I want to be 120% sure it would work. But I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to talk to them or a doctor or take my tablets because none of it is going to help. I know if I speak to family or friends they’ll tell me everything is ok/it’ll get better etc etc which just isn’t true. I know a doctor will either tell me to put my dose up, keep taking the medication that’s done nothing but make me unable to cry and increased my appetite to the point where I’m so fat and vile the only good thing I feel now I’m off them is that I have no appetite. Go to counselling, which I also know won’t work because what is there to talk about when there’s no concrete cause of me feeling like this? Or learning at CBT how to deal with feeling like this, but how can I do that if I always feel it because my life isn’t a life and I won’t find a soulmate or any of that sh*t.

A few weeks ago when I was feeling awful, thinking about suicide daily, I knew (or thought) that if I took a couple of weeks of work, went to stay with my family near my closest friends and spent time with them, I could feel better and start taking positive steps to get better. So I phoned my mum, told her how I felt, and did that. Now I know that hasn’t worked past the time I was there and now I have no options I’m so, so stuck that I just want to scream. Stuck between needing to stay because I’m not brave enough and to avoid causing the people I love to feel anything like what I feel now, and wanting to disappear off the face of the earth because I can’t see any tiny bit of hope or happiness in my future.

Surely knowing people love me enough for them to hurt if I killed myself should be enough to make me feel some hope? I always thought that people who kill themselves do so believing everyone would be better off without them. So why do I not feel that, but still want to do it? My head is a mess

You are only 24. People can have long term relationships at any age.
You have done positive things today - taking the dog out and going swimming. You have a job, which many people don't have.

Just because you can't imagine feeling differently, it doesn't mean this is true. Why not make some positive plans and just suspend the thinking that nothing will get better. Could you look for jobs nearer your family? (Try to think of positive responses rather than negative ones)

I hear you, I really do. I can only share what works for me, which is to do what I can and sort of keep going despite the negative thoughts and feelings. I let them be in the background and carry on regardless. Maybe I will feel better someday, or different, maybe I won't, but there are things I can do today so I do those. NB this is not professional advice! This is just how I manage it. I think that there are a number of people who feel like this, or who feel like this for a time at least.

I find that reading about suicide on the internet categorically does not help, so I try not to do that.

I have never tried texting the Samaritans but I have spoken to them on the telephone and in general I find them helpful although not everybody does.

Sending

@Jhr299 How you feeling? Have things improved since you posted?

@jhr299 just wanted to also check in - how are you feeling now? Just wanted to make sure you are ok

Can't offer any real advice but i feel the same as do you. I'm in the boat with you. I want so much to just go to bed and not wake up ever again. I can't see how i will ever feel any different. I have actually tried to take my life about two months ago. I really wanted to die and still do....but i just keep going put on a good act to everyone in my life that all is well. None even know what i did i've just lied about the whole ten day hospital stay...realistically i was there mainly because i risked my liver and had some issues with possibly my liver failing. Lied to the mental health people about my feelings. I won't do it again try to kill myself mainly because i don't want anyone to know how i feel....So the act goes on and i just plod through life. It's all so hard and just tiring and draining to keep going....