I'm sinking shit

[Kent1982]

4 years ago I had quite bad depression in pregnancy, I refused medication and it lifted rapidly when I had my son, throughout my life I seem to drop into spells these darkness again not through treatment but this time around I'm losing my grip.

I'm now a single parent, I work really hard we have an amazing life doing all sorts of things and I he is a really happy child, when he's not with me I just lose my shit, I cry from moment he leaves me to getting home, now I'm starting to feel down the rest if the time too. I look at him and think he would be better off without me in the long run. When the mood lifts I know that's bollocks but I cry and I feel hopeless. My only motivation is to hold my shit together when he can see me but I'm definitely distracted and in a fog. Im in a constant worry, at night time I worry that I will die in the night and he will be left with my body so I leave food and drink out because nobody would know for ages, he's only 3, this is just an example of the things I worry about, I've started being snappy and short as well. What does this sound Iike?

Also I want to go to dr but I would have to take my son with me as I don't have anyone to look after him and I don't think it's appropriate for him to hear these things and this has been going on for a good while now

I cannot tell anyone, I have a good job and generally few problems in life, people think im ok but I'm not please advise is this just a phase should I wait it out, and let it go away again

You say 'when he's not with me' - what are those times, can you go to the drs at those times?

You do need help and your son will not be unduly upset even if you do take him with you. Remember you're his everything and you need at this time to prioritise your MH because in doing that, you ARE prioritising him.

You can't live this fake life where you're pretending to be ok.

Please get to the Dr even if you have to take your DS with you.

He's only away on a Saturday to Sunday then when I'm at work,

I do ok at work to be fair I really hold myself together again every one thinks I'm ok, to be honest nobody would notice if I wasn't I haven't got relationships at work that I would call friendships

Is everyone like this does everyone have ups and downs like this, i keep us so busy all day to stop the sadness coming over me like one activity to the next but it's not even working and I'm sort of distant and smiling but not feeling happy

Ok then you've got a couple of options.

1. go to A&E on your own at the weekend
2. go to your GP in the weekday with son if necessary

Arrange a half day of annual leave in order to do it on the weekend - everyone's entitled to time off - can you do this?

I have anxiety and am far better at work than I am at home! At home I'm beginning to feel like I'm going crazy, at work there's a lot more to occupy my mind so I know what you mean by being better at work.

Your downs OP sound very extreme and that you have a lot of very serious (and they're actually unrealistic) worries and concerns. So they sound like things that are far enough outside of 'just feeling down this past few days' level - that you need to get to a doctor for.

It sounds like the coping strategies of keeping busy are only just about keeping a lid on it and I think that's a frightening feeling - so please, get to your GP or to a hospital as soon as you can using whatever appropriate means necessary to achieve that (annual leave or taking son with you).

Hi OP visit your dr and take your son if need be-he's too young to understand what's going on. Please don't leave it. Just talking to someone in rl is a start. You need support with this. Do it for you and your son.

Thank you, I will go on Tuesday, just bit concerned about ringing up now saying I need to see someone because I think I'm mentally ill.

It's so hard to get an appointment I figure something out, little boy is asleep now and I, sat crying dreading the hours now till he wakes up I. The morning

See if any of this sounds familiar -

Everyone has ups and downs, but not everyone has to expend superhuman amounts of energy pushing against the 'downs'. Don't be afraid to ask for some help.

Thanks you have no idea what this means to me, I been feeling like I will never be happy

You will but we all need help at times - it's not a failure to go get help, in fact it's a strength, especially when you have children.

You will - and you deserve to. If you have to go and see your Dr with DS in tow and you feel talking might be hard, take your phone or a printout and show them the thread. Your OP should be enough to show them how hard you've been having to fight this.

Keep talking on here as well if it helps, MN is often at its best when someone needs a regular outlet.

Hey @Kent1982, have you managed to get to the Drs?? How are you?