Really struggling again, totally numb and rock bottom

[Haribogirl]

I’ve sadly gone down as the day as gone on, no interest in conversation with dp or son. In a world of my own and feeling nothing but numbness

I’ve rang the raid team at hospital to see if they have any appointments next week available via seeing gp and not through a&e ( done that horrendous)

I’m so fed up of coping for a few days, even able to get out and enjoy things to feeling the lowest with no end in sight and thoughts of not being here.
I’ve had depression on/off 35 yrs
Don’t know if it’s as I get older it’s harder to deal with (60)

Can only say so much to dp as he really is the opposite to me
Told him how I felt he said
“You just have to get on with it”
I can’t wait for the night, then I have another day exactly the same

I upped my meds for 8 weeks with not much change, so went back down
Started propranolol to help with anxiety instead of diazepam
But they gave me low bp

It’s not the anxiety, it’s the numbness and feeling so so flat
I’m like a roller coaster up and down
This can’t be right

I didn't want to read and run. I think knowing feeling this way is not right is a good thing. Try and get to see a dr or whoever you feel will help you as soon as you can. In the meantime, would phoning The Samaritans help? Just for an nonjudgmental ear to talk to? I do hope you get the help you need, and it is sad your dp isn't offering you that help.

Thanks Long

Dp does try to help, he’s probably more better at coping and being more optimistic than me

But feeling like I do, I can’t get optimistic . I’m really trying to sum up enthusiasm into something but flatness
Colouring book
Garden
It’s like I want to be doing stuff, but something is really stopping me. Weird

Maybe he feels he is helping by being that way, but it isn't helping from what you are saying.
I have to say, even without feeling the way you are, I am finding it very difficult to try and do anything with just how hot it is. I have loads I need to be doing, even want to do, but its just too too hot.

Hello OP, I have had depression for many years too and have to accept it is a chronic rather than an acute condition and unfortunately it is progressive and definitely in my case has worsened as I become older. It is horribly debilitating in a way that people without depression can’t possibly understand, like you there is so much I want to do but am unable to. When I was younger I thought I would ‘grow out’ of depression and it has been a frightening realisation that this bastard illness has its claws in me and won’t let go

User

I definitely got dealt the wrong card!!
I Hate it with passion and as you say so so debilitating.
I can’t understand that recently I’ve had say a good few days where I’ve not had any bad morning anxiety and been able to suggest things to do with dp or I’ve even gone to the shops on my own
Then the next day wham
I’m agoraphobic and flat as a pancake sometime I’m that numb I can’t even cry for a release!
I can’t even plan because I don’t know how my mood will be, so it’s done on the day. Like hairdressers etc I have to feel ok to be able to cope with it not just depression but can get high anxiety too

Not good night last night, tried hard to concentrate on tv, reading
But the dark thoughts where coming through one after another, no rest

Managed to sleep till 7am
Then woke with panic anxiety, it’s the same old same old
Tried to say to myself , it’s ok it your nerves you not going to die relax breathe
Just couldn’t get back off.

Got up heaving,
Can’t do this anymore, it doesn’t get any easier and every time it comes back it floors me
You would think after years I’d be able to cope better knowing what I know about depression and anxiety

Dp just looked at me in bathroom
The look on his face was if to say
Not again
Didn’t ask was I ok, got his things and went football
Said he’d been home soon as he can
He used to seeing me like this probably, but sometimes I just wonder
I can he even leave me like this

The suicidal thoughts are always going round my head, mh team are the “experts” and know I won’t do it
So won’t take me on
I feel sometimes just do it, but scared in case I don’t see it through and still here.

I’ve no financial, housing, family problems yet feel so shit with life and this illness

Gp doesn’t know what to do with me, mh secondary care won’t take me on. Gp as ask 3 times I’ve been a&e 3 times in 6 mths just sent home after waiting hours in there
I’m so up and down
The downs are really bad

It’s like I want to be doing stuff, but something is really stopping me. Weird for you. I know how that feels and it really sucks. Hope you get the right balance of medication soon.

Meanwhile if you can (and I know from experience that there are many days, sometimes even weeks and months when you can't) try to do something anyway. It's OK to do it mechanically with zero enjoyment. It's even OK to barely register that you've done it, but it screws over the evil gremlin inside that tries to stop you from doing anything.

Also, on bad days I keep a notebook and write down: At Least I: at least I stuck on a washload, made cups of tea for DH, fed the cat, had a shower, drank some water etc.

Sounds truly pathetic sometimes, but the list helps you see that there's a tiny glimmer of strength inside you that insists on being active, however weak it is right now, and it's that which will pull you through the other side of the depression.