I used to be really strong and in control. I loved being me. I was good at things and happy and had a busy, fun life with friends and exercise and purpose. Now I'm a sad, broken blobfish. I don't like being me very much at all. I'm rubbish at everything (this is genuinely true, not feeling sorry for myself). Also I'm really horrible to myself. I say cruel things that make me feel worse than ever, and they're not all true. All of this makes me a very unlikable person and I have no friends and am very lonely. Obvs this would change if I could manage to be a more positive, likable person, but that's a long term goal. It's a shame because if I had people in my life to chat to and bounce ideas off, I think I would be less 'inside my head' if you see what I mean. It's a viscous cycle.
Anyway. I am good at my job and I am a really good mum. I know these things are true. I get regular objective feedback from my managers and my clients saying how good I am at my job. I feel secure about it. And I have three beautiful, happy, well adjusted children who are busy and sporty and funny and, just, they are hot rays of sunshine who make me so happy. I am very lucky.
But last week I had a slight mishap at work and I made a mistake. Objectively I know it wasn't really that bad. The clients didn't notice. Management have got back to me and said "next time do X" and it's all fine. BUT, it has shaken me to my core. I feel useless. I feel broken. I want to give in my notice and never go there again. I have cried and cried. I feel like it's PROOF that I'm useless and can't do anything and I am pointless and stupid and hopeless and hateable. And I KNOW this is a disproportionate reaction, but I still feel it. I rely on the proof that I'm good at my job to feel like I'm not utterly useless.
And it has got me worried, that if I make a mistake with the children (which, lets face it, I will because parents do and I'm human and so are they)... I will overreact in the same way. What if I start thinking I'm completely useless at everything. then what's the point? And what if my brain flips to thinking that they would be better off without me? Which I DON'T THINK RIGHT NOW, just to be clear about that, but I've realised my brain could think that and I'm scared. They are the only thing I have left now. My stupid brain has destroyed everything else.
I feel like the responsible thng to do, would be to do something now. Like, be prepared. Maybe speak to someone? Or get counselling so I know how to react more appropriately? (Which used to be just the normal way I live my life!) What should I do? please don;t shout at me. I know I'm getting this horribly wrong but I'm trying in my shit way to get it a bit better.