rubbish mom and lonely

[LittleLifeSavers]

hi. this is the first time I've really posted anything on the internet like this, so bare with me. I have a 5 and 2 year old. I had quite sever post natal depression with my 5 year old and wasn't diagnosed until DS was 18 months old. I am on anti depressants now and have been for around 6 months. I am used to huge feelings of guilt surrounding my first born. I connecting with him very well I feel and was obsessed really. however I have never felt good enough for him and still struggle with this daily. I still often think that if I disappeared/died suddenly it would not affect his life dramatically because I am not the preferred parent. my partner adores his children, he is the life of the house as he walks through the door, I will get a hello or eye contact maybe 30- 45 minutes after he walks in from work and has finished playing with the children (this again make me feel inadequate and not wanted). the children obviously see a fun daddy and although everything I do is for them and their daddy has ALOT of him time with weekends away, nights out and hobbies I find it difficult to be apart from them. however I am still not good enough.

I don't feel wanted or valued in any aspect of our family. I am on my own for yet another Friday night. I am the only one that seems to take our children's morals and respect seriously so I am always the bad guy. I am exhausted by it and after 2 hours of naughtiness at bedtime I shouted at both children and again feel guilty about that being my last odds before bed. I feel like dissolving. getting lower and lower (I am quite a strong woman with a career and family head so this is hard). wondering if I should up my dosage of tablets? anyone that can relate will be fantastic to talk to.

Thanks xxxxx

Hello,

Phew you’ve a lot on your shoulders haven’t you.. it’s really hard with young children, really boring (at times) and the days are really long!

I’ve had PND and it’s traumatic, it really took its toll on me and took a good 6-12 months to settle from it..

I would definitely go back to your GP as your tablets could be doing a better job than it sounds to me and there may be help there?

In terms of Mum guilt - we all have it. The PND left me feeling like I couldn’t “bond” with DD and was a bad mum.. but in time that’s all gone now and I’m sure it will pass for you too.

Your not on your own Hun xxx

Oh op. I think you need to see your dr and explain how you are feeling. I have anxiety/depression, been seeing a psychiatrist for 20 years after I lost my daughter to cancer.

There is no shame in asking for help, write down exactly how you're really feeling now and hand it to the doctor. It is really easy to miss out important facts or feel like you don't want to tell them, once you are sitting in front of them.

Please make an appointment, you don't have to feel so low.

Also, talk to your husband, honestly, about how you feel undervalued. Tell him, calmly, how you feel. Tell him you need him to listen to you.

Most importantly, of course your kids would miss you. You are their world. If you've been with them all day, then dad walks through the door, they're going to want him to play with them, if this is what he offers. It's lovely, for DH and your DC for them to have a great relationship.

Good luck OP 💐💐💐 x