Husband with anxiety

[NatJ2018]

Hi,

I am struggling to cope with my husbands anxiety and I'm hoping someone on here has been in the same situation and can give some advice. As things stand, I'm considering asking him to leave, but I do not want to end my marriage.

I have a three year old, a job, I'm 7 months pregnant, I'm having complications in my pregnancy and I'm running the house alone, while my husband worries about the smallest things in life. My little boy doesn't miss much, so I know this is affecting him and I'm miserable and stressed all the time.

This problem started around the time we found out I was pregnant with the baby that we were trying for and he now can't get excited about her coming. He had a bout of this about 6 years ago, but it lasted a few months and went away. This has not improved in 10 months.

I'm hoping other people can share stories of their own. If you have separated, have you managed to fix things? Or have you gone your seperate ways and been better off?

Sorry, no story to share of a similar situation but I have suffered from anxiety and when you're in the grip of it it's awful. Often for me it starts with something big to trigger it and then it filters down to every day life so that just deciding what to have for lunch makes me over anxious, which sort of sounds like what has happened to your DH.

Did anything in particular help your DH recover last time? Has he sought any help – talking therapy/GP for possible medication? Are you able to talk to him about this as a first step? I'm wondering if your DH has even recognised there is a problem and that he needs help?

If you can I would try talking to him first. It sounds like you have a lot on with worries about your pregnancy and a small DC. Do you have anyone you can confide in so you have support for yourself too? x

My DH was like this. I told him he could not stay in the house if he didn't go to the GP and accept help. The medication made a difference within just a few weeks (though he hated the side effects and still swears it wasn't that effective, it really was!) and the talking therapy helped in the longer term. Have to be honest though, getting from 'better' to 'well' has been a long slog, he's easily overset and our relationship certainly took a hit - it's hard to be equal partners when you end up taking over so much, and anxiety and depression do make a person very selfish.

I wish I'd sought more outside support at the time, whether asking family or friends to help out / speak on the phone, or paying for help with cleaning and childcare (even though we were tight on cash), or finding a friend or professional to talk to. It was so hard to cope with it all alone, don't do it!
Have you talked to your midwife about it? There is support for you to get someone to talk to as well if you need.

My DH has had two bouts of depression both dc related. He was however proactive with visiting GP and accessing therapeutic support through his work. Explain to your DH that he needs to seek help.

He is seeing the GP and a cognitive behavioural therapist, but nothing is helping I'm afraid, not even small improvements. I talk to my friends, but he gets funny about me telling people about it.

The last time, he stopped worrying when the offer on our house went through and in hindsight we have thought that the thought of buying a house was the source of the worry and having it over and done with was whst helped.

With that in mind, I'm hoping the baby being born may put an end to this. However in the meantime, I'm looking after him and my son, with not much time left for me, which is resulting in me feeling worse than ever and getting ill 😔

Meds have been completely ineffective. Literally might as well not have bothered. Taking them for months with no effect

It is not up to him whether you tell people. You need support so you can tell.whoever you like. If he had cancer you would also be entitled to tell people to get support.

He needs to pursue with gp if treatment isn't working

You need to look for other sources of practical support for you and him e.g. he goes to family or friends so you get a break of caring for him

You can call MIND Rethink etc for support for you

You can keep.door open but also ask others e.g. his family to take care of him at times

(I left for this and other reasons. At some point I had to put dc first. I could not care for 3dc incl one disabled plus cater to exp)

There are more than one type of meds, if the current type isn't working then he needs to go back to GP. My DH said CBT was a good sticking plaster but the talking therapy he had the second time around was what fundamentally changed his perceptions.
Mind you he remembers being poorly for a few weeks, I would tell you it was a lot lot longer.

There are lots of meds out there. Many people find one or more types don't work for them. Has he tried more than one type? Frankly, if neither counselling nor medication are making even a tiny difference then either he is extremely severely affected and needs to go back to his gp and maybe get referred to a psych, or I'd ask whether he is genuinely trying here. Reading mn it seems like most mothers at least try to engage with treatment but many many fathers wallow a lot instead or get really defeatist - my DH did a bit and it made me feel like a mug when I finally cracked and said we couldn't all live together like this, and things improved dramatically. Without meaning too, my efforts to cope under so much stress had crippled me and enabled him...

He's tried a couple of different meds so far. With regards to his family, they are majorly (in my opinion) part of the problem and while, I know it isn't my place to decide where he goes and it shouldn't affect my decision, i don't think he'll ever recover with them. I might well seek some professional help for me though.

Different meds

Hey... snap

We have a toddler and I'm pregnant plus I've been dealing with an anxious partner. It took me ages to work out it was anxiety. Over time it's like he had a personality transplant. He doesn't have panic attacks, but his anxiety causes him to lash out verbally normally at me. I just thought he'd become an angry, miserable, wanker!

Like your OH, he will turn the smallest thing into a disaster code red situation! We both work from home and it's been impacting my work as I'll be late for a conference call because I'm dealing with some meltdown. Like you I pick up most of the home stuff too, just to ease the pressure and it causes less explosions.

I've been urging him for months to talk to someone about stress/anger. As a man, he poo poos CBT. Things got bad, I've considered leaving too but didn't want to throw that ultimatum at him as once I realised it was anxiety I decided what he needed was to feel my love and support.

I kept at him about going to talk to someone and he booked a Drs app. Must have been in there 2 min! Came out with a card for CBT 🙄 and no real advice... I reached breaking point that week. Being pregnant, you're exhausted and you know once the baby comes you'll have even less time and energy to help them so I'm guessing you are feeling the same pressure I was. I just really wanted him to get his shit together before the new one arrives. To return to the loving, supportive, funny, amazing partner and father he is.

I went to the Drs in my own to talk about him. Saw a better one, who advised me to take him in with me, because like an old person who suffers memory loss...they don't realise they are missing things so it's important to have someone there to help clarify the situation for the doctor.

We did this. He is on meds now for OCD and anxiety. The doc was amazing at helping him see how the old him might have been able to let those little things go.

The pill is the best thing since sliced bread! I have my partner back! Just in time too as baby is due in a few weeks. He can see the tablets are helping him and is keen on the treatment.

With my partner it's crept on over time. It's been a slow accumulation of stressful life changes that have made all the little things in life too much. He will only be on the course for 6-12 months.

He hasn't told family. I'm encouraging him to do so as I feel others knowing will help and he can seem like a total bell end when he is anxious, but if family know it's anxiety they will be more tolerant of his behaviour and help him rationalise in those panic moments.

Have you considered going to the Drs yourself? Medication? How receptive do you think your partner would be?

Big hugs!!! I feel your pain. I've had many desperate, tearful moments. But finally, feel like we are getting somewhere.

Didn't see you comment about meds. As someone else has said, try different ones. It's great he is taking these steps though. Shows he acknowledges something is up.

Defo go back to gps and let them know the meds haven't changed anything and make sure they are exploring his difficulties thoroughly so he gets a correct diagnosis and prescription.

Oh no, glad it's not just me, but also feel for you. I just feel like I should be getting looked after at the moment, not the other way round (selfish cow) lol. He's really open to therapy, not so much with the meds, even more so that they aren't working.

Unfortunately, our GP seems to be trying to drug him up, but they seem reluctant to give him any form of therapy, so we have decided to use what little money we have to see a therapist together. I say we have decided, it was more an ultimatum. (Again, I know I sound mean) Hopefully things will start to look up. Six weeks left until my little girl arrives and I'm hoping we are in a different situation when she does.

Can he get therapy through his occupational health, my dh did. It is hard when you are in a place where you should expect support and you are actually having to support others.
I had a dreadful birth, a dc in intensive care, helped move twins hundreds of miles to be beside MIL and the dh became very depressed and mil vanished as she couldn't cope with that. It wasn't his fault that he got ill but I think it was only that I was operating on auto pilot that meant I didn't collapse.
On the plus side I now know how strong I am and so do you if you reflect on what you can manage.

If he is cautious about taking the pills, do you believe he has actually been taking them?

I guess one of the issues with anxiety is the constantly thinking the worst. My OH was cautious but receptive to the pills after speaking to a good doctor and often takes them in front of me. He keeps them in sight in the bathroom and I help remind him when he forgets.

But the pills come with a long list of side effects and someone who is worrying about every small thing in life is certainly going to worry about this and maybe that could lead to him not taking them.

What has been prescribed? My OH is on Sertraline. I noticed a difference within a few days, just took the edge off him. Now he is consistently calm, rational and back to normal. If he forgets for 24hrs, there's this intensity that starts to creep back in, starts asking more questions, questions that wouldn't normally matter but seem important etc.

So they have a very obvious effect. And all the pills should do, its just some have different side effects so work best for different personalities. My oh is prone to anger, so doc didn't prescribe Prozac as it can impact that.

They can also up the dosage. Has he spoke to the doc about them not working?

I know what you mean, I felt so let down. I've never needed his help more and the real him just wasn't present to care for us. I also intend to get him doing CBT and agree it's the best long term option, but you would like you're at the end of your tether... you need results fast to save your relationship and to ease the pressure on you, meds are the best way to achieve this.

I've never thought about him maybe pretending to take them. Having said that, he does keep moaning about physical side affects, such as weight gain, so I think he is. He also says his lows feel lower. He's weaning off them anyway. He said he'll try something else if that doesn't help.

I'm not a massive fan of medication either, although, I've been supportive of him taking them. I also feel his anxiety is like learnt behaviour, so that's why I think they don't take effect maybe.