Infertility and depression

[ohbigdaddio]

Hi all, I've struggled with this for a good while and briefly touched on it in posts on the infertility boards. The infertility boards are great and many people there say they are feeling down but I am clinically depressed, so felt I needed to post here.

After 2 and a half years of TTC (which includes never getting pregnant, endless hospital appointments resulting in being diagnosed with unexplained infertility and ultimately IVF treatment – 2 failed embryo transfers, the most recent in April this year), I am somewhere between moderately and severely depressed.

I've suffered from depression and anxiety on an off during my life and the depression is always reactive – usually something like redundancy etc. I usually take anti depressants, start to feel better and then tackle the situation from a more positive mindset. However this time I feel stuck.

The TTC and failing situation has become too much to bear and month after month of knock backs when TTC and then the infertility diagnosis was so much to take in. I felt positive doing IVF as I thought it would be the answer but as the months went by and the attempts failed, my mood plummeted. I had an operation to remove a fibroid before our 2nd embryo transfer and, again, was hopeful that this attempt would work. Sadly it didn't and since then I have felt worse and worse.

I've had plenty of days where I've been unable to do anything, unable to see a happy future, everything feels 'wrong' and black. I have had suicidal thoughts and often feel everything would be ok if I just wasn't here any more to see what happens to my life. I'm now on Mirtazapine and I don't think it is working well. I have still been having suicidal thoughts and feeling very up and down, mostly down. I usually take Citalopram which has always worked wonders but the very newly qualified doctor I saw said that there's a slight chance it could interfere with some other medication I'm on. I've never had issues before and I think she is being over cautious so am considering returning to a different GP to get a second opinion.

This situation feels more stressful than my previous periods of depression as I know I need to be 'better' before we can try again with the last frozen embryo we have. So I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to feel well again which I didn't have on me in previous times. As the IVF failure/wanting family is a huge cause of my depression I am wondering if this is a sensible thing to put myself through again because if it doesn't work again I know I will get extremely depressed again. I feel stuck because if I decide that actually I just can't do the IVF/TTC anymore as it's so bad for my mental health, then I will be faced with DH and I being childless which will also make me severely depressed!

So I feel completely stuck.

I feel really scared as with previous causes of depression I could take the anti-depressants, feel better and then get a new job etc but this time there is no guarantee that, even if I get better, I will have a child.
Add on top of this friends around me having babies and not really understanding my sorrow, DH and I not having sex any more as TTC has totally messed up how I feel about that side of our relationship, and MIL being disappointed that I'm on anti-depressants as it means we won't be able to TTC naturally (!) and the black hole I want to jump down seems tempting.

Is anyone out there in a similar situation and how did you cope?

I couldn't read and run

I'd like to give you a hug and say you poor thing, none of this is fair and it's not your fault.

I've been where you are, albeit in slightly different circumstances where although I already had a child conceived by accident- I suffered horrendous anxiety in that pregnancy and had terrible PND which was misdiagnosed.

I desperately wanted another child to 'repair' the damage I felt from the first one and to give me an opportunity to 'get it right' next time but found myself unable to conceive with no medical reason and simply diagnosed with 'unexplained sub-fertility'.

The pain of this was tremendous, lots of different layers going on of thoughts, feelings, guilt, frustration, punishment.

The strain on my already fragile mental health was so damaging that it ended my career. I couldn't cope with the strain of fertility treatment & investigations on top of my job. I was too stressed to even try IVF. I didn't get passed the Clomid.

I resigned (stupidly) from my job and after many years of trying (and not trying) still never became pregnant at all. It got so extreme that in the end my mind couldn't cope with the what if or maybe any more and my dh went and got a Vasectomy. Knowing we were taking back control helped in some way to get closure and take away the constant roller-coaster of emotions every month.

I also had to deal with some very stupid people saying hurtful things like "at least you already have a child", they had no idea how much I'd been affected by pnd. Also other 'friends' announcing 2nd, 3rd some even 4th pregnancies without a thought and even one particular idiot who'd text the announcement me every time a mutual friend became pregnant!!

Tbh, it has taken me years to be able to move on but it still upsets me a lot. I break down if I talk about it. I think my trigger is not knowing why and feeling completely out of control and punished for being a bad mum to my first.

I really don't know what the answer is. You just have to take each day as it comes and try to have a good support network around you. Many people suffer infertility, it's just not always spoken about. Maybe you could approach the hospital and ask about any support groups? I wish I'd had some kind of support and understanding from others when I was going through my ordeal.

Thanks for posting failingat40 I'm sorry for what you have been through.

How is your mental health now and did you take any medication?

Being unable to see the future is a particular issue which makes things for me all the more painful/terrifying. Having our IVF consultant say she's sorry but she doesn't have a crystal ball and just can't say when, or if, we will ever have a child is awful and for anyone prone to depression it is such a trigger as there is just nothing to focus on or positive to cling on to.

Oh yes, and add in that I am nearly 40 and all the risks/lower success rates that go with that and we have a sure recipe for severe depression(!)

At the moment I'm trying to put the IVF to the back of my mind and focus on the depression (which sounds weird!) – I mean focus on recovering from the depression I guess.

I know what you mean about struggling to see the future. I felt the same way and felt like my life was on hold and couldn't plan anything.

My mental health now still isn't great. I pushed a lot of people away as I couldn't deal with anything else at all so am quite isolated now.

I suffer from horrendous anxieties after being in constant stress and negative life events happening. Over the years I've had Setraline, Citalapram and goodness knows what else.

I blame the Citalapram for giving me weight issues, I was slim when I started them and have ballooned in size. I also became dog-tired and being on medication made me so sleepy I could barely function.

I'm now off meds as I have stomach issues and am moderate to severe with my depression. I guess trying to keep busy and having other interests may be key to some people's recovery but for me having severe anxiety makes those things very difficult.

On a more positive note, when I was going through my ordeal I had a friend who was in the same boat. However she did go on to have another child, she fell pregnant naturally whilst waiting to start her first round of IVF. Sometimes these things have no reason.

Sorry to hear that Failingat40 I do hope you start to feel better. x

Just wondering if there is anyone going through IVF who has had to stop or take a break due to depression? Feeling very alone at the moment and wasn't sure where to put this post as it spans both topics.

Pressed 'post' too soon...Just wanted to say it's great that you're off medication now – hope you have supportive friends/family/partner.
Have you tried counselling or other therapies to help with your anxiety?x

Glad to find this thread.
After 6 years ttc, giving up my job, I have sunk into a depression that I can't get out of.
Infertility is a lonely road. Not sure how to get better. I'm also nearly 40

Sorry to hear this leccybill It's a shit position to be in and I understand how you feel. Infertility is bad enough but then sinking into a deep depression because of it is really tough.

How are you doing today? I am on anti-depressants and just got my dose increased which has improved my mood. Is this something you could do? Are you getting any counselling at all? I am trying not to think about the turning 40 thing as it will just stress me out even more but it's always there, nagging at the back of my mind!

Hope you have some good family or friends to support you offline.
xx

So sorry you’re feeling this way infertility is awful and I don’t think anyone understands how it feels unless you’ve been there. I’m lucky to have one child but suffered such an horrendous birth and illness of both me and baby after I’ve suffered with ptsd for the last 6 years. Been trying desperately for that healing birth ever since. I think the thing that has helped me most mentally is not putting my life on hold any more. I didn’t seek treatment for ptsd in case it affected my chance of adopting. Didn’t book holidays til the last minute just in case. I started to live life as a three person family, although my heart breaks every day, especially the other night when my little boy sat there sobbing his heart out that he wanted a brother or sister. But I’m trying to fake it til I make it!

Hello ladies,

Just wondering if this post still active? Really struggling at the moment with severe depression and anxiety due to infertility. Contemplating starting my antidepressants... don't know if I should while TTC?!