I am a 38 year old Mother of 2. I have one child with Autism and little girl who is extremely difficult to deal with day to day. They are both my world but hard work.
Im married, but in a difficult marriage we have lots of problems we have never sorted or worked through... mainly due to my Husband's mental health and the having to focus on other things ie... getting to the end of the day with my children!
I have suffered with anxiety since I was very small, due to growing up in a broken home.
Ive spent years on and off AD's, they have never worked for me. Panic attacks started at 19, and ive abused food and later Alcohol all my life.
Ive kind of become used to living my life with my problems and issues, but lately, as I try to deal with alcohol issues, drink less and eat less... other worrying symptoms are presenting themselves and I dont know how deal with them.
If I find myself thinking happy or non anxious thoughts, I soon stop myself- I feel like I will be 'punished' if Im not in an anxious state... at the moment I need to clean my house from top to bottom because its my daughter's birthday at the end of the week. But I just cant get up and get on with it... you know the sayung is you will feel better when you have cleaned etc.. but its like im scared of having that feeling.. because I will be punished for it... usually by one of my kids getting ill.. my daughter has been unwell the last week or so, just normal kids stuff but ive been so anxious about her its unbelievable.
I completely feel like self loathing and anxiety is more comfortable than feeling normal and happy. That scares me.
We have a beautiful brand new mercedes and im convinced my husband is going to write it off.. he drives like a maniac and all sense goes out the window when he is behind the wheel... hes got form, hes written off 3 cars already, the last a beautiful new jaguar!
Even when im thinking normal happy thoughts, I feel like its all a lie.
These thoughts and feelings sit so uncomfortably with me now, I have no idea what to do now, or how long I can go on feeling so incredibly unhappy.
Or how I can fix it....
The GP has always been useless and ive been down the psychatrist/section route with my husband and they are absolutely disgracefully useless in this area.