Partner beginning Aspergers diagnosis

[Stargirl90]

Hi, not sure if i'm posting in the right section.

My DP has been having therapy sessions for anxiety, and todays session she said she wants him to see his gp for a formal Aspergers diagnosis and she will push him forward with this. Its come as a shock but also a relief. He's 27, i am 28, we are getting married next year and have a baby on the way and are very happy at home. His problems lie at work, every job he has he is struggling, he's been put on a program at work where his is being monitored as his manager says he isn't getting enough from him and he expects more. He's only been there less than 3 months, his last job he was suspended for something which his colleagues also did (use work pc for non work stuff) and he was targeted as they wanted rid of him. It's been a huge worry for me as we are having a baby in november and we need him to be working and earning when i go on maternity leave, but I worry he will lose this job too. Hopefully by trying for a diagnosis maybe his work will be more understanding and make adjustments.
Not sure why I'm posting really, has anyone else been through similar? Did it get better once diagnosis was made?

why would being bad at his job mean your hubby has asperger's? is it just bad performance, or is he having personal interaction issues? bad perfromance isn't a cause of asperger's, or symptom I should say.

Maybe the career he wants isn't for him, and he needs a change. It's just there needs to be some general social and interpersonal issues for Asperger's. and poor work performance alone isn't an issue. It can be, but then often peope with Asperger's do very well in their careers due to this. Like the animal guy Chris Packham is obviously passionate about what he does, and is respected, but he lives alone with his dogs in the forest and has a gf he seldom visits.

I think a formal diagnosis can help in terms of employment issues - but it does very much depend on the employer. I don't think a diagnosis means things 'get better' in the way things might get better after having some kind of physical ailment diagnosed.

I would say it is more like the beginning of a (possible) journey. It may be that your partner needs to think about the kinds of work that will and won't suit him. It is also difficult to start making adjustments at a time when there is another big change on the way - the arrival of a baby. It sounds as if there may be a challenging time ahead, and I wish you all the best.

Just wanted to offer some support, my dh is waiting for an autism assessment after spending years thinking he had anxiety and ocd. Unfortunately it's a very long waiting list, he was told it'll be at least a year from referral (he was referred 7 or 8 months ago).

After reading about signs of autism I think it's very likely that dh has it and it has caused many problems at work, one of which was that he wasn't working as fast as his colleagues. The reason for this is that dh does every job exactly as he has been taught to do it, while everyone else bends the rules a bit and takes shortcuts. He can't bring himself to do that because of his anxiety about getting in trouble (which he gets in anyway for working slowly!).

It may be that your husband's employer can make adjustments, or it may be that he isn't well suited to that line of work. My dh struggled through hundreds of jobs for almost 20 years before he joined the fire service. The rules are strict and everyone sticks to them because it's critical to their safety. He loves it and has been promoted rapidly.

Even though he hasn't been diagnosed yet, it has helped just knowing what it could be. Dh feels a bit more comfortable with himself and sometimes manages to dismiss obsessive thoughts and impulses as "just autism shit". It doesn't always work like that of course, and he's still medicated for the ocd and anxiety.

Is your dh on any medication for his anxiety? It might be worth a try, it has made a massive difference to our daily lives as well as to dh's feelings about work.

@OnlyHereForTheFeminists

Thats really reassuring to hear about your dh finding his place in the right job. Part of the reason my dp struggles in his job is because there is no set routine or daily schedule, its very much the job changing at last second, people asking him to do something else even though hes on with another job, like the dis-organised aspect of it is hard for him to deal with. He is also slower at getting jobs done, ive noticed this at home a lot, washing the pots takes a looong time cos he focuses a lot on each plate. Just having a diagnosis would help him and me and his work to hopefully understand how he feels a bit more

i'm not a doctor. but then those dont' seem like AS symptoms. A GP or psychologist would ask about social situations and interactions, and notjust motor skills or planning tasks. i'm not putting you off, but then it could just be he's not suited to fast-paced frantic work. Do you only think your hub has AS because of this, or are there other things?

@namitababe

There's other things too, some examples of him socially-he talks at loud volume, even when its late and I'm sat right next to him in bed its like he's shouting. I tell him to stop snd ask him why he shouts he says 'i dont h know why i do it' In a group of people if he has something to say he will talk loud and but in, when we should be leaving someones house eg they want to start cooking or whatever he doesn't see that, i'm like dropping hints to him like 'i think we should be heading off now' he's like 'ill just finish watching this with them' etc

The possibility of aspergers was mentioned as a child when he was being assessed for dispraxia (which was diagnosed as a teen) but never followed up on.

I'm so worried. He is on 'performance management' at work this week to determine if he will pass his probation. I don't think he's going to pass it 😢

I don’t know if your DH has Aspergers or not from what you have written but Aspergers doesn’t necessarily mean you will have issues at work. It means that you need to find a job that interests you and is a good fit. Being a square peg in a round hole in a work sense is far more of a challenge for someone with Aspergers than someone without who can cope more so with the situation.

I have a child/young adult with Aspergers and while the diagnosis did not exist when my generation were young, I have also trained and worked with quite a few people over the years who would ramp it in if formally assessed, particularly a number of surgeons.

The IT world is full of people with Aspergers. We even had a govnt department do a disability recruitment drive recently (well publicised), turns out all the ‘disabled’ people employed had Aspergers and the jobs were all tech/IT . So disability quota filled, good publicity and people who are well suited to the job.

I don't think he has aspergers too...People with AS are usually introverts, who don't like talking and usually have a few friends to zero friends. Not mentioning they also tend to have a very high IQ

^That's the kind of myth that left my dh without a diagnosis for so long! He's an extrovert and good at superficial chit-chat, which hides the fact that he struggles to form relationships and has only had one good friend in his whole life.

He does have a high IQ, but this doesn't show in his academic qualifications because he found school very stressful and had no support.

He could easily have autism with that list , processing and voice modulation issues are common. (Asperger's no longer diagnosed. ICD 11 came out yesterday). And not all autistic people are introverted.
It will probably be a long wait OP. Unfortunately adult autism services are not numerous and often have lengthy waiting lists. Good luck.

Monday55 People with AS are usually introverts, who don't like talking and usually have a few friends to zero friends. Not mentioning they also tend to have a very high IQ

Utter, utter shit.

@Monday55

I don't think he has aspergers too...People with AS are usually introverts, who don't like talking and usually have a few friends to zero friends. Not mentioning they also tend to have a very high IQ

Actually this is my experience. Of course it's not 100% rule, but I've come across a lot of people (and had perfectly well functioning successful friends) with Aspergers of some level or another and this describes them exactly.

Friends - this was very mild aspergers, barely noticeably until they said something and then a few things made sense. Not so much introverted as a little nervous other people won't like them, do join in, have friends and are social, but a bit nervous rather than confident, even if they don't let this show. Also able to function well without need to be surrounded by people, so that may seem introverted, but in fact it's just happily going along with whatever the situation happens to be. Plus yes, high IQs.

For the shouting - how is his hearing? I had a friend who used to speak incredibly loudly, the larger social group commented not to his face which I didn't like, so when one day when he was talking to me, because he was shouting too loudly for where we were, said "You're speaking quite loudly for here, do you think it's ok?" He told me that he was partly deaf in one ear and that's why he spoke so loudly, he knew because he had been told but couldn't regulate it easily... it's like wearing headphones and talking at the same time, you shout over the music because you can't hear your own voice well enough.

So maybe a hearing check?

Definitely a diagnosis, whatever it is, will help for work. Adjustments can be put in place to assist him and if there are related challenges, he won't be unfairly punished.

He totally could have autism with that list - it is basically a list of symptoms of autism.

And no, people with autism aren't all very high IQ. They have a range of IQs, just like neurotypical people have.

Being autistic also has nothing to do with being extrovert or introvert - it's all to do with anxiety and interpreting social cues. Some autistic people will be happy by themselves, some be miserable and full of anxiety about interactions, and others will be wanting to be around others. Um, just like neurotypical people.

The amount of shit about autism on this thread, really.

AS comes in all shapes and sizes! My DS was diagnosed with AS last year. He is extremely chatty and sociable, not introvert at all.
OP, definitely seek a diagnosis for your DH, it’s difficult though to judge from your description. Also, he should look for a new job, performance management after three months is not a good sign unfortunately

Please just go on the NHS site and search for aspergers and see if your OH ticks some of the boxes, that would be a great place to start.

AS in children is not the same as Aspergers in adults. I dated someone with AS so do speak from experience too, and I researched it a lot back then and spoke to other people whom had partners with ASD so I could try and understand him better.

ASD in adults they tend to suffer from depression aswell which most AS children wouldn't experience until adult age.

Monday55 for the love of god, stop.

From the nhs website Children and young people with ASD frequently experience a range of cognitive (thinking), learning, emotional and behavioural problems. For example, they may also have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, or depression.

Please, I know you mean well but just, give over!

Sorry but have you had a sexual partner with ASD?

We are discussing an adult not a child. You're all giving examples of children and I'm giving examples from a partner perspective which is exactly what OP is going through.

If she was having problems with an ASD child your views would also come in handy.

Yes my husband and two of my children are on the spectrum, as was my grandfather, two uncles and a cousin. My other children are also neurodivergent (ADD) as am I. I am a peer supporter for a national charity associated with autism, an adult mentor for vulnerable young people with ASD and until last year was a trustee of a charity you would have heard of, who were the single biggest supplier of training to young adults with disabilities and learning difficulties.

It would be nice not to refer to people with autism as 'they' for a start given that a good many, me included may be reading and contributing to the thread.

If you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism. Every person is different, just like every neurotypical person is different. We aren't a 'they' who all behave like a block.

My brother has aspergers it broke his first marriage. He is very intelligent, degree, masters, phd. socially he finds it difficult to empathise for want of a better word. His second marriage to a Chinese woman is a success. He had a host of different jobs for this reason until he found lecturing was his metier.

Thanks for the replies, he went to see gp on tues am, who has put his referral in for him and included the therapists details as he said that recommendation will help. He had a call from the receptionist the next day to say its been put through but the waiting list is 3 years for adults in our area, she gave him details of a support group which he has called and will go and meet with next week. Its a long wait but better than not doing it as the time will pass anyway x