Please help, think my wife is suffering from PND... what can I do to help.

[damodad]

Can anyone give me some advice.
My wife gave birth to my DS 7wks ago, she is at her parents house this week as I thought she could do with a break. I have returned to our house for the week (we live 150 miles away from our families, I'm in the Navy)

She has been feeling steadily more and more depressed and looking at a website detailing the symptoms I think she has PND.

Now I am stuck down here all week and she is ringing me in tears saying how down she is and how she can't cope.... I feel a bit useless. Her family have tried to be helpful, but to be honest I don't think they know what to do.

She has no internet access where she is so I just need some advice both for me and anything I can pass onto her until I can get back up there on the weekend.

I have told her to ring HV tommorow so hopefully that will help but anything else you can think of will be useful !

Hello

Firstly, my sympathies. I've had PND and it wasn't easy on my DH either. The best thing you can do is to be there for her - which it sounds like you are doing already which is really really positive.

I would recommend actually making her an appointment at the doctors if you can, and even going with her. I was staying with my mum when my PND reached a pitch and it was my mum who took charge and took me to the doctors - I really needed that as I was afraid of admitting I couldn't cope and that they would take DS away from me and so wouldn't go to doctors on my own.

Talking to the health visitor would be a good thing for her and the most important thing you can do meanwhile is lots of reassurance that she is doing a great job etc. I felt like the worlds worst mother and so needed lots of encouragement from everyone to make me realise I wasnt

I hope this helps a little bit and feel free to ask me questions about PND

Best of luck

Niks

I agree with Nikki. You are already doing a good job.

its great she has such a supportive husband

i am suffering from PND myself,my baby is 10 weeks now.i got really bad about 2 weeks ago and my dp camr to the doctors with me.i asked him to as i know myself i tend to play down my symptoms as i gat scared my children would be taken away or something,so having my dp there to explain how things were was great.

i agree that you should make her a doctors appt,and take it from there.

in time,things like support groups etc will help but she will probably need to start feeling better first.

give her lots of reassurance that she is doing a great job with the baby and that you will always be there for her and love her no matter what(it helps me when my dp says things like that,even though i dont always believe him).

all the best.

Nikki says sensible things. See a doctor. Get advice. Get her mum on side.

How do you think your wife would respond if you suggested PND?

Also, I know those in your position need support too, and flippin 'eck, you're a very good husband. You've checked out her symptoms, you've come on here for advice and you're clearly being supportive. My DH could learn a thing or two from that.

You've got to work for the week I take it? that's bad luck. Any way they'd let you go early? You're not likely to be concentrating well. "Domestic distress" they'd call it at my place. Good luck to you.

Diva - I cried in the doctors surgery as was so frightened they would take DS from me! Dr was sooooo lovely though! Just smiled gently and reassured me. He even sent the HV around that was attached to my mum's surgery (I don't live in same city) and she was sooooo brilliant!

Loads of reassurance is the key! I needed tons of it - even now!

Wow,what a quick response thanks... I have already suggested PND to her so I think I will wait and see what the HV suggests. I will pass on your messages once again thanks for the response !

I think you're doing the right thing - look for help, acknowledge the problem, work out what you can do.

If her family are local, there are some very useful things they can do, such as giving her an hour in the avo where they take your lovely baby out for a walk and let her sleep. I swear of all the fantastic support my mum gave me when ds was born, this was the best. It's so simple as well.

Don't be surprised if a convo with the HV hasn't helped - I know it should, but really - if you want to know more you can read a thousand horror stories on MN.

I'm sure the Navy can help, if you ask. And even if they can't, at least you asked.

Keep talking - there is so much support on MN. And take care. xx

Dear Damodad
Congrats on the birth of your DS. I would like to give a huge big vote of support to you and your wife. What a great husband to identify that something is amis and wish to help. You are already doing something great just by going online. Not many husbands do notice or try and help. I agree, take her to the doc, HV's are a bit low on my pecking order as far as advice and diagnosis goes. I suggest leaving the baby with her mother and go with her to the surgery, either go into the appt or just wait outside and then take her for a little drive and a nice grown ups lunch. This will do a great deal to make her feel like a human being again.

Good luck with that. In the long term as you are away so much, I suggest you get hold of a cleaning company and get her a cleaner for 4 hours once or twice a week (about £30) and get her some help with the house, make sure you tell her it is because she is so great with the baby that you want her to continue to focus on the baby and not have to worry about the house. Also suggest she goes to a local mum and baby group at her local clinic or community centre to meet other mums for support and she will see that each one of us go through a stage where we fumble about a bit as we learn to be parents, parents aren't born, they have to go through a bit of a learning curve to become experts!! Good luck and you are doing great too.

Dear Damodad,

SOrry to hear things have been tough for you two. My dd is now 13 weeks and we're doing well now but for the first couple of months I felt awful. I don't know if it was pnd or not, but I know it could have developed into it if I hadn't had really good support from my parents and dh. I felt like I was supposed to be loving every minute of being a mother when actually I felt exhausted, ugly, like my body was not my own and like I would never feel "normal" again!

I just wanted to cry all the time and felt very clingy with my dh, but simultaneously like I was really annoying him by being so wet. I think the most important thing you can do for your wife is just be there for her and with her and the baby as much as possible (I know with your job it is really hard), acknowledge how she's feeling, let her have plenty of time to do her thing (baths really help!) and make sure she sees a doctor- sometimes baby blues and proper pnd are hard to tell apart! I know I felt a huge change when dd started sleeping through at 8 weeks, hope this happens for you! and it was then I realised it was all going to be ok. I know I obviously didn't have full blown pnd but it still felt pretty bad. Oh, another thing- my dh was great but it really used to annoy me when he'd say while I was crying and arguing "You've got post natal depression!" I don't know why, I wanted him to acknowledge it but not throw it in my face...!

And a last thing- look after yourself, fathers get the blues too, and it's hard when you're trying to support your wife, you can end up neglecting yourself. It does get easier, I promise!

Quick update, dw went to her mothers doc today.... they prescribed beta blockers to calm her down, they want her to go to her own doc when she gets home next week. Doc suggested counciling as she has had a bit of a bad childhood and a lot of that is coming out know.

Once again thanks for all the support, i will make sure she reads this thread when she gets internet access again !

Oh glad she has some medication in the interim - direct her to us when she gets internet - we will look after her, no worries there

What a wonderful DH you are, she is a lucky girl to have you. PND is the worst thing in the world but with a supportive DH like you it will help her get through it - well done and I hope you both enjoy your new DS. BTW have you talked to SSAFA, they might be able to help too, especially with support while you're away.

www.mama.co.uk is very useful and they run a helpline on 0845 120 3746. Weeknights 7-10.

Make sure that the GP is checking her iron levels and that she has blood tests too. I thought my wife had PND (and actually maybe she does ) but it turned out she has developed an underactive thyroid after the birth which explains her fatigue, anxiety and mood swings.

I'm sure you're doing as much as you can to take the weight off her, and although she might not feel like it gently encourage her to see friends and family as often as possible to break up her days and so she doesn't feel isolated. Has she got a network of new Mums from ante/post natal classes? That really helped DW through the early weeks after I went back to work.

Nikki is right, it's not easy on us Dads either. Good luck and hope things get easier for you both.

hello well done you on picking up on this so quickly and being so supportive to your dw. i developed PND but struggled on until ds was seven months old when i finally collapsed in tears in front of hv who promptly took me through to the lovely female doctor who has helped me loads since. PND is insidious, i thought i was just upset from the early struggles of every new mum, then tired from lack of sleep, then stressed due to family circumstances etc etc... but in reality it was PND taking hold. It makes you feel like you are the worst mother, useless, pathetic etc, unable to cope, and you imagine everyone else is having the most amazing time like a flaming Calvin Klein ad. As well as the meds, things i found that helped were: getting out of the house EVERY day for a walk - with or without the pram. Fresh air away from the same 4 walls is vital! Help her to have a break once or twice a week away from the baby to do things she enjoyed premummy (a hobby, a pamper like a massage or hairdo, seeing friends, even just reading a book) - but let her know its ok if she feels she isn't enjoying them at first. I didn't feel i'd EVER feel relaxed again and it was a real effort to meet people and make small talk but eventually it gets easier. Make sure she is eating well and drinking lots of water (my appetite went to the wall but dh would cook and make sure i ate). If she can find a new mummy group that is nice and welcoming and not a bunch of braying competitive yahoos, great, but it takes time. Don't worry if she doesn't want to talk at first, it took me a long time to get comfortable with telling people i was depressed (clinically, not just a bit blue, some people are still very judgemental. If anyone tells her to "snap out of it", they deserve a kicking). I wish you both well.

damodad, sounds like you're very organised being on here in the first place, my dp and I didn't have a clue when ds1 was born and I was crying all day within weeks
Whilst drugs and counselling might be just what's needed, the really simple things as hotchocscot has suggested have helped me enormously 2nd time round and thus far I haven't developed pnd again (ds2 is nearly 6 months). I've been taking the iron supplement Spatone (you can buy boxes of it in boots, no side effect like the iron medication the dr's will give you) and a magnesiun & vitamin b6-strong supplement too (e.g. wellwoman, again at boots). A lot of people I know who've suffered from pnd swear by this, and each time I've dipped and started feeling very low the supplements have kicked me into place just cos some of it may well be hormonal.
Mummy &baby groups can be very overwhelming anyway, much less when you're depressed, but ones with a structure to them e.g. Baby Massage are much easier as you don't have to talk to a soul if you don't want to!

Hope all 3 of you enjoy a better time of it very soon

Hello
Firstly, she's very lucky to have you, you are doing all the right things.
I too suffered from quite marked pnd in the early days, to the point when I really thought I was losing my mind.
I was helped a great deal by my fantastic gp, who offered me a combination of anti-depressants (which I could take while breastfeeding) and cognitive behaviour therapy from a specialist psychiatric nurse. I would totally recommend the latter, it helped me to focus on the expectations I had of myself, and to deal with a lot of demons!
I wish you well, and am certain from mine and others experience that things WILL get better and you'll begin to fully enjoy being a family.
Best wishes.

sorry haven't read whole thread so you may have been given this advice already. My husband is in the RFA so is away alot (four months at a time and at sea)

Definitely speak to HV. Its bloody hard admitting you're not coping but talking it through with someone really helps. Like your wife I constantly rang my husband in the middle of the night saying I couldn't do it anymore. Hormones have a lot to answer for and the lack of sleep. thankfully she is at her parents this week, I spent a lot of time with my inlaws who live close who are amazing. They will come and pick up ds at the drop of a hat. She needs support! I went to every group possible, baby massage, breastfeeding support groups etc just to get out of the house. Has she got any close friends near her?

Dear Damodad- I had pnd with my first daughter and it lasted for about 2 years. My DH was very supportive but after about 6/7 months with only him and my mum knowing, it got very hard for him to cope look after me, the baby, go to work and do everything at home. He began to resent me and it was really tough. He was really supportive but still found it hard himself.

I got over it eventually, without medication but found talking to a counsellor really helped and really think that it's just as important for the husband to talk it through too.

I think moving with the forces is really hard and I know over 10 army/navy wives who have all had pnd and I think it's firstly down to a lack of family support or having a close friendships (due to being regularly posted not unwillingness to be supportive).
We're in the Yeovil area at a Navy base at the moment and my DS was tiny when we first moved here. It's a very rural area and I think if I hadn't met some nice people or gone to mother and baby groups, I'd have probably ended up with pnd again but luckily I was ok 2nd time around.

hi damodad,

i have had PND, still have to a degree but its now Ante natal depression as im pregnant. my husband is in the forces and we are posted overseas. it is very hard when you are away from family as we so often are in this lifestyle and also when our DH are away alot. it is alot to cope with anyway without the extra pressure of hormones and a new baby. i think it is fairly common for forces wives to get some form of depression at some point.

i went to our doctors here and they signed my DH off work for 2 weeks on compassionate to help me get abit more sleep etc which was great. we were also referred to Homestart for a volunteer to come in and just keep me company and maybe get me out of the house for a while. we also were referred to AWS, im sure that the navy will have an equivalent.

if your chain of command are ok, i would let them know your circumstances so they are aware and i think you are doing a great job in supporting your DW. there are plenty of helpful oprganisations available in the forces community and as someone else has mentioned SSAFA is one of them.

give your DW reassurance that she is a good mum and that this is not her fault and hopefully she will start on a course of treatment wether that be meds or counselling when she sees her own doc.

good luck

damodad,

Lots of good advice here already. The thing with PND is, (another one here who has had it), that you dont actually realise you have it for quite some time, and the very nature of the illness means it exacerbates all situations, emotions, fears etc.

So often it feels like you are incapable, or a crap mother (and of course everyone else looks like they are coping marvellously, besides, even if they werent - they wouldnt say so, because, well, you arent allowed to say that........)

It is quite common to crave company, but to subconsciously withdraw from family or friends because you feel so crap/needy, or that they dont care/like you.

The most important thing for me when I was diagnosed, was my DP understanding how I felt (although I know that those feelings although very real, were very much exaggerated). I couldnt just go out for a lovely walk (didnt want to leave the house - too much trouble/hassle/had no energy), I couldnt just "cheer up/get my act together" because that is not how PND works.

What made it difficult for DP to realise what was going on was the fact that I was 100 times better when he was around, the pressure was off, he did all the driving around etc and it just made a huge difference. When he walked out the door for work each morning I would literally go to pieces. I called him home quite a few times on what could be considered quite spurious reaons. (Once because DS had been sick, another time because the very first time I left DD alone with DS - it was literally about 30 seconds - she had tried to feed him some blue playdough when he was about 2 months old and he half choked on it).

When I was diagnosed he made a specific point of telling me every day that he loved me, and that i would get better. It made a huge difference to me. He wasnt over keen on me taking Anti-depressants (his mum was chemically addicted to valium), but Anti-depressants (these days for sure) are not addictive. I take Sertraline, and have done for 18 months now. Within a few weeks of taking it I felt hugely better. Its a long process, and you cant just stop taking ADs which is why i am still on them.

I personally, didnt need counselling (although this is very helpful for some people, and may be for your dw as I would imagine having a baby has triggered some memories and fears regarding her own childhood), because I feel mine was purely a chemical imbalance triggered from hormones changing after childbirth, and the prolonged lack of sleep.

Sorry this is quite a long rambling post, but, I believe that the more stories you hear the easier to grasp it, and also, it helps other sufferers to know that it is an incredibly common illness for new mothers.

As a Mum of 3 (one of 7 months) and a CURRENT sufferer of PND I have to say that you are pretty fab for being so caring.

That said your wife is amazing for speaking out and saying that she feels so rotten. It takes balls of steel to do it. You are supposed to be like the women in the adverts arent you? All clean houses and done hair?

I could not leave the house, I did not want to see my friends. I just wanted my dh and my kids. But as soon as he walked out the door to work I would look at the house and the baby wailing and just break down. Its just too hard.

Make sure that you partner eats well. Drinks plenty of water, takes her vitamins. Make sure she sleeps when you can. DO NOT make her feel like you are doing her a favour when you get home and take over - even if you dont mean it, pretend that you couldnt wait to get home and look after the baby - my dh was great at that and looking back he rmust have been knackered the poor sod.

Write down a list of all of her recent achievements, it made me feel valued and worthwhile, and post it to her and tell her how great she is.

Get EVERY BIT OF SUPPORT YOU CAN. If you can afford a cleaner one day a week - get one.

Send her to get her hair done.

Get her to do some kind of exwercise - even if its roping a friend in to drag her to a dance class.

Rent her some happy films.

Look at her like you love her.

Gently remind her to take her meds.

Wishing you all good things.

MoreSpam xx

Damodad, you have had lots of good advice here ... ... you are a fab husband for being so tuned into your wife and her feelings
My PND and the way I was was similar to VVVQV ... so I won't go into all of that (my DS is 7 years old now and I am absolutely fine )
One thing I wanted to add was this: Whatever you do, don't think that you have to or indeed CAN fix it. Your DW needs time to get through this, she needs support, she needs love, she needs UNCONDITIONAL stuff like that.
My DH struggled a lot with my PND as he just didn't (and I believe still doesn't) get it. He tried bloody hard and he is to be commended for sticking through it with me (I wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes - no way ) but the thing he found the most difficult was the fact that he couldn't just fix it or find a solution to it - I kind of believe that is a 'blokey' way of dealing with stuff and PND doesn't work like that. The poor guy found out very early on that saying "Can't you just cheer up and enjoy yourself?" could backfire in a BIG way ...
HTH

Excellent point Ghosty!

I think men have this "thing" programmed into them that if they do the right thing it will all be fixed and go away - doesnt work like that does it?

My dh frequently says "What can i do to fix this?" When there is nothing to be done but ease the pain.

Again - excellent point.

You are so supportive which is good. My dh (bless him) seems to have stuck his head in the sand a bit with regards to my PND. On the other hand I'm good at hiding how I really feel so maybe he just doesn't think it's that bad. Keep being supportive and I promise she will come out of this. I feel loads better already, just that little bit left to shift. And take time out yourself, you don't want to end up depressed that your wife is depressed!!