My partner of 13 years and father of my four young children was killed in a crash four years ago. I was devastated and had depression early on which lifted without medication. I tried meds but my GP in the end stopped them as I’d tried several different families of drugs and was having hallucinations etc.
I met a man 18 months ago who I thought I had a future with. I reslise now that I imagined this and he wasn’t serious about me. It hasn’t been an easy relationship because although I adore him, I’ve had to bend over backwards to please him and he’s always been on/off with me and has refused to commit. I’d never know from one day to the next if he would be speaking to me that day or off doing his own thing for the next week. But when I did see him, his attention made life seem exciting and passionate.
Eleven weeks ago he stood me up then immediately stopped answering my phone calls and messages. I asked to talk to him but everything was unopened. I found out via a third party that he’s now in a serious relationship with someone else and was chasing her and spending time with her 1:1 the whole time I knew him. I feel totally consumed with jealousy and that I wasn’t good enough for him or he’d have chosen me. He treated me as FWB (which stupidly I said I was ok with purely because I thought I could wait for him to commit) while he gave his time and attention to this other woman and I was too stupid to see what was really going on. Sometimes I feel angry but most of the time I just want him to hug me and I can’t seem to accept that he’s chosen to walk out on me with no goodbye, no warning, no explanation. He could never have cared for me to do that, it was all one sided and I was just a sex toy to him.
Since then I’ve found myself in a bad place mentally. Very low mood, not sleeping, poor appetite, lack of concentration, feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks, lack of interest in anything, wanting to hide away from people and missing both my late partner and this new man. I’ve been seeing a counsellor who says I’m properly grieving my losses for the first time rather then being depressed but I’m not sure. I feel so out of control emotionally. I feel too much rather than nothing at all. I keep crying for both men and feel totally lost with no plans for the future. I’ve tried talking to the small family I have but they aren’t interested and think I’m feeling sorry for myself. I sat down and told my mum how bad I felt, she dismissed it and told me I need to go out and do things. But when I ask her to babysit for a couple of hours one evening so I can do an activity, I get every excuse under the sun. I struggle to see friends due to working full time and having four young children. I hold it together at work then get to my car/the loo and have a full blown panic attack.
Does this sound like depression? I’ve lost every bit of confidence I had.