Low Self Esteem

[Marshi]

I have this, and have had it all my life. I hate it and I can't handle it any more, it cripples every aspect of life. I am having counselling, but it's ending soon because I've come to the end of my block of sessions, and I can't afford private ones.

I wish I could just be happy and confident and relaxed in myself but I can't. What else can I do to help myself? Who else can I talk to, what else can I read? It's bloody exhausting. Obviously there is a back story to my self esteem issues (abusive relationship), but in reality I've always been this way, going back to a young child and I do NOT want my children to pick up on bad behaviours from me.

I just need a rant and don't know who to speak to as in real life I never talk about this except with my therapist.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, it’s a very hard issue to deal with but you are way ahead of the game because you’ve identified it and had some counselling. How do you think the counselling has helped you so far? Does your counsellor have some suggestions for how you can continue to move forwards once the sessions have stopped?
Do you have any hobbies or pastimes that make you feel good? If so, do more, if not think about trying something new out.
How about exercise and eating? prioritising your physical health with exercise and good food is a great basis for starting to feel better about yourself. If that sounds to challenging right now try watching a lot of comedy, giving yourself a pedicure, face mask, long bath etc. Treat ourself to a new haircut or colour. I know it might sound trite but doing these small kinds of things for yourself daily teaches you that you are worthy and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

I am sure others think you are a lovely, kind, caring person who should value herself, and you probably know this, but it’s your sub-conscious mind that repeats the long-held negative beliefs. I’m having counselling for low self-esteem and negativity and this is my plan:
Try being grateful for what you’ve got, notice all the little lovely things, someone smiling, running and catching the bus etc.
Positivity helps - try to see the positive in everything, there’s always a silver lining
Affirmations - you may feel silly but say out loud looking into a mirror - I am amazing, I am worthy of love, I am worthy of happiness, I can do anything I want to etc. You can find numerous affirmations online.
Do this daily, and you will reprogramme your subconscious with these new beliefs.
Be kind to yourself, talk to yourself in your head how you would a friend. You wouldn’t tell them they were useless, not worth it etc - but we let that narrative go on in our own heads. If you find yourself doing it stop it and tell yourself it’s not true.

Hope it helps

Thank you for your replies.

I usually feel at my lowest straight after counselling and for the day after, and then I pick myself up again, but the problem is recurring.

Counselling helps a bit, in that I recognise my thought patterns more and am more aware of why and what I'm thinking, but as yet it hasn't really changed the way I behave/think. I then get angry and disappointed in myself all over again for not learning or gaining anything from what I've learned.

I have lots of hobbies and do lots of things that make me feel good (things I both genuinely enjoy but also use as a strategy for when I'm feeling low), but the feelings of low worth continue. I wonder if my mood swings (very high, followed by very low) is a sign of something else going on? Could I be bipolar? I am creative and artistic and know it's common in people with those qualities. Maybe without the lows, I wouldn't produce most of my work which I do when I'm "high" (naturally, I might add)?

It feels like such an uphill struggle and an insurmountable one sometimes. Feeling incompetent, stupid and worthless never ever leave me.