About 3 years ago I had a normal/good life. Self employed, never made a fortune but not an extravagant person. Healthy and fit. Enjoyed life. Had problems as we all do and the odd massive black cloud would come along but nothing I could not sort out.
In the last few years an endless storm of shit has hit the giant fan. Literally one crisis after another and I have got slowly more and more worn down.
In short:
Had endless financial problems. Dp has had endless financial problems.
Had some nutter try and ruin my life. They aren't around anymore. Caused issues for about a year.
Family have always been very dysfunctional and I've always been able to cope with them but it's another factor in the mix when I'm worn down already. They're very much of the opinion that they should do what they want and everyone else should be judged very harshly. I haven't seen them for ages and there is a lot of guilt/sadness on both sides but I can't deal with their crap on top of everything else.
Sustained a bad leg injury which left me with trouble walking even around the house for 2 years. My arse expanded during this time.
Have taken endless abuse from family about said arse.
Combine working long hours on laptop and no ability walk for 2 years and you get, even more weight gain.
For the fat shamers, yes I could have done yoga and lived on grated carrots but I didn't. I effed up. If anything I made sure I cracked open quite alot of wine so I could turn my feelings off.
I was very ill from November to the end of January and I feel like this cracked me completely.
Two more huge work related disasters have happened since I managed to get better.
Supposed to have been TTC but with all this that's off the table, maybe for good.
I feel very down, depressed and irritable. I go into instant meltdown at the smallest things. I hate the way I look and feel. I don't so much think about suicide as much as I just feel dead already.
I got no medical help for the leg because my GP surgery is awful and I haven't had the strength to fight them. Medical record has stuff on it that's not true and stuff that needs to be on there which isn't. I feel boxed it with no medical treatment but also no psychological strength to go to a new GP and sort the mess out. I feel terrified even thinking about it. I know that sounds stupid. I am not sure if the surgery messed the record up on purpose because they were concerned about leaving the leg untreated and giving me incorrect information about some unrelated medication that I was on. It will be no small feat to sort all of that out with new gp.
I can walk now, not far or at any great pace but I can.
It's all sortable...I know that, my point, and what I''m asking for help with, is getting strong enough emotionally to tackle it and to feel like making an effort is worthwhile.
Don't get me wrong, I get up everyday and try my best and some days I do OK, healthy eating, walking, working etc but underneath it all is this deep unhappiness and anxiety. My bad days in terms of sitting starting at my work feeling unable to do it, drinking huge amounts and not walking are there too. I recently had this bit of drive to try and sort things out, but that drive isn't enough and I don't know how to get more.
I've been to therapy twice, didn't help.
Has anyone had a similar rough patch in their life and got their mojo back? I'm sorry this sounds so relentlessly negative, I never used to be like that but I feel like the last 3 years have been relentless and I've cracked underneath them.