I don't know what is wrong with me. I should be on top of the world.
I've just got engaged to a genuinely wonderful man and I have gorgeous little boy but I am just utterly sad.
I even often find myself wishing I wasn't here anymore. I don't actively plot how to kill myself but I wonder how I could make things better for my fiancee in preparation for me not being here anymore.
My normalising of suicide shocks me some times and that sets me off.
I just feel like I'm not meant to be here and that everyone would be better off without me. I don't feel like I'm a good person and I think my family deserve better.
I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling because on the rare times I've tried, people don't get it. They either think I'm being a drama queen or just tell me to cheer up. I wish I could.
I would talk to my fiancee or mum but I know how upset they would be that I feel like this.
On days where I have felt I have wanted to change and make myself better I have tried to make a doctor's appointment but that never seems to work out.
Don't ask me why but I want to see a female doctor and my GP practice never seems to have a female GP working on the days I can get there.
I'm sat in my car at the moment while I write this ramble, trying to escape work. I just don't know how I got to this. I feel so pathetic and ungrateful.