Unhealthily obsessed with school choice

[Beba11]

I feel really ridiculous for posting on here and feeling this way but I am in utter shock and trying to comprehend at what has happened to my state of mind since January. I have been on a dark downward spiral since and this is simply because of my indecisiveness in choosing schools for my 4 year old twins. It is not so much the actual subject but the trail of thoughts it has led to since and what it has caused and my behaviour and reaction since. It has caused me to distrust myself, hit myself several times around the face, to have no faith in my abilities as a rational mum and has made me physically sick, loss of appetite and affected my mood around my family.
To cut a long story short, I had the choice of choosing two schools. When I chose one in January I was in despair at my decision a day later and started to see all the negatives at the school I chose and all the positives of the other. So I did a late application for the other and waited. During this wait, I was constantly questioning myself and appalled at how I could make a wrong decision, and started believing my children would never be successful as a result and it was all my fault. In May they finally got the offer of the other school and I then panicked and started to see all the negatives of this school and rejected the offer. Since rejecting i now regret it again and reapplied for the waiting list again. In writing this I sound completely stupid. I have always been quite a rational person and have been through so many ‘real problems’, death, family illness etc. There are health problem happening within my family which are much more important but all I can think of is schools, always wanting the one I don’t have and thinking constantly how my decision will ruin my children’s lives. Please help. I am going mad. Have started to think my children are far better off without me.

Have started to think my children are far better off without me
Clearly something is going on,and it’s impacting upon mood & behaviour
On the basis of that statement alone,see your GP tomorrow .ask for support with your mental health
If you have suicidal thoughts You can also go to A&E ask for psych liaison team

Treatment, support and medication will help you with the darkness & overwhelming thoughts Might not seem it at present but with support & treatment things will get better

I think seek some help from the GP such as referral for therapy. It may be a grief process you are going through, or it may be a loss of confidence you are feeling , or a fear of loss, but they will help you with it.

It could also be that the other stresses you are holding are somehow leaking out into this issue and you not wanting to make a mistake.

I'm confused , do they have a school place now? If so try to focus on that choice and prepare your dc for starting there. The uncertainty will not be helping your mood and vice versa, speak to your gp. Do you have a dp/dh who could support you.

I know it sounds so confusing! Yes they have a place at school A but I turned down school B but put myself on the waiting list again. I am already doing CBT but don't think it's helping as doesn't motivate me. I am seeing GP on Wednesday to discuss. I think I have a major issue with loss due to deaths in my childhood and feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and panic when I leave something. Maybe this is manifesting itself in something like this. I also hate how I am and what I went through at school so also that factors into the decision.

I really don’t think this is about school places,that’s simply the manifestation of a malaise
I see your receiving CBT and see your GP on Wed,discuss how you are feeling
In particular, Have started to think my children are far better off without me