Why do I feel like it's the end of the world?

[nearlysummer2018]

So a bit of a backstory: I have Emotionally unstable personality disorder and suffered PNP after my son was born (he's now three and a half). I manage it on a day to day basis but it's often a struggle.

Today I crashed into a car. It was my fault. I was talking to my son whilst waiting at traffic lights and when the lights changed I took my foot off the brake and went into the car in front. It was an accident and I owned up immediately and stopped a passing police car to help.

The other car was damaged and ours not so much. All cars were still drivable and it wasn't even close to a high speed. But the man was so angry because his kids were in the car and were crying. Mine was also crying but I distracted him and he was more worried about how upset I was. They were going straight from the accident to the hospital because he said they were injured and would need treatment and therapy for the shock.

I haven't stopped crying since and I never ever want to get in the car again. It's horrifying and I take all the blame and he deserved to be so angry. I don't know how to move past it. I guess I just wanted someone to say it's ok to be this sad and upset and tell me I'm not stupid for overreacting. I know my EUPD makes me emotionally and irrational but I can't stop these feelings of worthlessness.

I just think my family would be better off if I wasn't here and they didn't have all this hassle. My son shouldn't have had to give me hugs to make me feel better I should be a grown up and handle this. I tried to commit suicide about 6yrs ago and today I wish I had done it properly so I wouldn't be here now and have caused all this 😢

It's ok, you all survived. It was an accident.

It's fine to be a bit shaken up, it'll pass.

You poor thing. I think I would feel exactly the same if I had an accident in my car and I don't even have a child to worry about as well. You did the responsible thing and owned up, which is more than some would've done in your shoes. It was a highly charged situation and I wouldn't beat yourself up about what the other driver said (easier said than done, I fully appreciate). His kids were probably more distressed because he was angry and that made them feel more frightened; that's not on you.

Good people make mistakes sometimes, nobody is perfect. This mistake does not make you worthless. Imagine if a friend or family member told you this had happened to them; would you think they were awful and deserved to feel awful forever? I bet you wouldn't. You're probably still shaken up, understandably, and hopefully in the morning things will look brighter.

Thank you. I'm aware it was my fault and I feel awful because he said his kids could have been killed and were terrified to get out he car and would need psychological help after this. I can't believe I could be so stupid.

He said those things out of anger and shock. It doesn't make them true. It was an accident and you took responsibility. We all make mistakes.

I made a similar mistake a few years back and drove into the back of a car. The guy in the car was making a real song and dance and I was so upset. One of the policemen tried to make me feel better and said "I didn't say this, but there's nothing wrong with him, he's making a fuss to increase his insurance claim, we see it all the time, the ambulance staff have said as much too"

@MeDented thank you. My husband was fine with it when I picked him up. I called him as soon as it happened and he was happy to stay in the pub watching the football as long as I didn't need him because he said it looked minor. He said the man was just being angry and by having a go at me he was building it up for an insurance claim. However it's my husbands company car and so he said the company won't pay out anything unless they really have to so it's a good job they did go to the hospital because they'll need evidence if they want to claim.

I can't sleep. My eyes are swollen almost closed though. I've not cried this much since my parents used to so blame nights where they would sit me down to list all the stuff I had done wrong and how I was the worst person in the world.

You've hit on a really key aspect of why you're feeling so irredeemably bad about the accident. Your parents did 'blame nights', where they effectively ganged up on you and made you feel shit about yourself, as though you were the worst person in the world, when in fact you were simply a kid or teenager who needed guidance and support. But we internalise the way our parents treat us and when we do things as adults that require us to reflect on our part and how we can try to improve in future, we get the same merciless, critical voices in our head making us feel worse than worthless. But actually, depending on how we were parented, we'll be much kinder and more understanding with ourselves when we make mistakes (which is very very human) if we had understanding parents who didn't punish us for being human/kids/learning & developing. We internalise (or introject) good, supportive voices/attitudes towards ourselves if we heard enough of them as kids, so it's the same principle and it helps to explain why some people could be in your shoes today and find it quite straightforward to let themselves off the hook while being mindful that in future they'd try to learn something from the experience to reduce the chances of it happening again. They certainly wouldn't feel suicidally guilty and monstrously blameworthy and irresponsible, because they were never taught to have such a distorted opinion of themselves. Although it's difficult for you, please please go very easy on yourself and remember all the ways in which you are careful, the many times and ways in which you take responsibility for yourself and the ways you help and love others when they need it. I'd bet you often do that above and beyond as well - the way your parents treated you, it's inevitable that you'd overcompensate at times. What happened today was an accident. It's also worth remembering that any driver takes a risk being on the road which they must take responsibility for, because with the best will in the world accidents can sometimes happen and it's unreasonable to lay all the blame for them at the door of another driver, unless that driver was demonstrably reckless in some way, eg. drunk, deliberately aggressive, etc. Your husband has a much more balanced view of what happened and was able to be calm and understanding about it. Let his response guide your own feelings in the matter, because it's a much more understanding and reasonable perspective than the one you automatically had (which is largely down to the way your parents bullied you into having a very punitive attitude towards yourself. Take it from one who knows from bitter experience )