I'm only here for my daughter

[Noone2turnto]

Hi, I've been very depressed for a long time but in the past few months it has been very bad. I'm a single mum to a 3 year old daughter. I have literally no help or support from anyone. I am not from a close family. The two family members who were so lovely and I was really close to, my nan and mum, have both died. The rest are, in my opinion, cold, hard and detached. Over a year and a half ago I moved up north with my daughter to live near my sister, who I felt was the family member I was closest to, as logically, I thought this made sense. How wrong was I. She could not be less bothered with me or my daughter. In fact, I have realised she's a very nasty, cold hearted and bitter person. I've made a dreadful mistake moving up here, but I have no choice but to stay. I have no money (I'm in debt) and haven't been able to find a job. I haven't made any real friends and don't fit in. I'm an older mum and all the other mums I meet are in their early twenties and no matter how hard I try, I just can't make any friends. I know that I'm stuck here and I absolutely hate it. I hate my life and every second of every day is an immense struggle. I've been thinking a lot lately of ending it all, but I can't because of my daughter. That means that I am only surviving for her sake but I am finding it increasingly difficult and each day is becoming more and more difficult. I really don't know what to do.

Where up north?

Yorkshire.

Didn't want to read and run. So far you've survived 100% of your bad days, you're a wonderful, strong and brilliant mother and woman even if you don't feel it. Have you tried speaking to your GP?

Thank you Tiger for your kind words. I have spoken to my GP but I haven't said I feel suicidal as I'm scared they will contact social services. I would never ever do anything that could harm my daughter but lately I have been thinking that maybe she would be better off if I wasn't here and living with her Dad.

I was in the same boat this time last year, the only thing that kept me going was my Dd and I was terrified if anyone knew what was going on inside my head then they'd take her away. However from your first post you can see that you're an amazing mother and the best thing I ever did was seek help. I was dragged kicking and screaming accompanied to the gp after a terrible night were my DP found me staring at a box of pills and within a week they had me an appointment with the local mental health team, a counsellor and on anti depressants. It took a while to start seeing the light and there's still bad days but things can get better. I really would encourage you to speak to your gp. Feeling like this doesn't mean you're lacking in anyway. If you had a broken bone or an infection you'd get it seen to. Sometimes our heads need a little help also. Believe me the best place for your daughter is with her happy and healthy momma and you will get there!

Noone2 - didn't want to read and run, but have you thought that it might be worth having a blood test just to rule out some physical reasons why you might be feeling so low? eg Anaemia, Vit D deficiency, B12 or , iron deficiency, thyroid disease (I am hypo thyroid and was for a very long time before anyone noticed). When I was very very depressed, I had no idea that these might be factors that were affecting me as well as life situations, like bereavement and change, and I didn't think to couch it like that to the GP, ie I am tired and exhausted and worn out, could you check my bloods. I felt I had to conceal feeling tired and exhausted as it was sign that I wasn't coping pyschologically with a difficult situation (lots of small children, Sens that sort of thing)

There are also two books I can recommend, Black Rainbow and Sunbathing in The Rain (by different authors) they can help you realise that you are not alone when the world feels very very empty and hopeless. Each case is different (the first is severe PND, the second not related to children) but I identified with some of the writers' emotions and ways that had been found out of the deep well of sorrow. They both suggest lots of ways to combat depression, now that they are better!!

You will be so so important to your little one and she needs you, but you are also important anyway for YOU.

Also when your daughter is a bit older, the school gate can bring many many more friends than the ones you are meeting at the moment, and there will be lots of older mums who have children of Reception age - maybe the 2nd or 3rd baby, whereas you are probably meeting alot of first time mothers at the moment who might be younger (statistically)

I can remember nursery being very stressful as a social meeting point, everyone seemed to be friends already or understand how to manage life with a small child or have big family networks. when you get to primary school it is different, there is more time to talk before and after school for example, and the schools often try and help make a proper social network for the parents. It may get better. Another tip is to stay outside as much as possible with your little one, the more outside you are the less overwhelming the world will seem and the more enjoyable things you and your daughter can do together often for free, parks, walks, buildings. Yorkshire can be a lovely place.

I feel for you Noone2turnto I went through the same thing. Go to the GP and ask for medication it will help to give you a chance to breathe and not feel so crushed. When you feel a little better enquirer about a part time recreational or academic course you can enrol on while your daughter is in nursery or reception it will let you meet other people and could quite possibly be free. It will give you something to get up and dressed for and you’ll have to put on a front in class and sometimes putting on a front helps you feel better. If you like animals get a dog. Walking it will help and you’ll meet others so you won’t feel so lonely and the dog will always love you when you feel no one else does. Hope you feel better soon xx

How are you OP, I hope you are o.k