No fight left

[Lbjmum2014]

Sorry I have no one to talk tio. I have DS, 3.5 years, and DD, nearly 4 months. I am a SAHM. No family around except DH who works long hours. I'm down as hell, no real friends who can help (everyone's busy with their own kids), and I just want to give up.

Struggled with mental health issues all my life, I hated my stressful high paying City job which was partially why I chucked it in to become a SAHM when DS was born 3.5 years ago.

Recently he's been acting up - jealousy and put out by DD I expect, but I find I really dislike him. I feel awful to say this - but I just want to run away from him as his behaviour is just not likeable. I'm not sure I even like him. We used to be much closer before DD was born. My DS has always been hard work from the moment he was born - colic, never slept, doesn't eat, strong-willed, etc. My DD, bless her, is good as gold so far. If not for her calm temperament, I would probably have committed suicide by now..

I never wanted to be a mum. Grew up with a mum who made it clear we made her life a mmiserable series of chores and obligations.

Divorced once and then got together with wonderful DH. He's fantastic with children and loves our 2 so much. Me? I had them to make my DH happy as he always wanted kids and I love him. I just do my best cos they never asked to be born.

Many times I regret my life. I wish my mum had aborted me. I have no achievements to my name, my savings are pathetic, and I'm fat and ugly after giving birth. I'm a SAHM yet my DS stubbornly refuses to eat the food I cook or potty train. He's 3.5!! I am educated but I can't even do a SAHM job which needs no special skills, properly

I've been through the rounds of therapy and medication, doing the hard work in therapy but it always just comes back to the same old eventually. So it's not that I'm not trying.

I think my DH, DS and DD would do absolutely fine without me. I'm so tired. I just want to end it all. But there is a glimmer of maybe my children do need me....

Hello, Just wanted to send hugs. I am in similar place as you, but no kids and a very temperamental dh. No friends, family to give any emotional/ moral support, also depressed and unemployed.

Can you take ds to a child psychologist or child behaviour specialist? Maybe he needs some help too.

You said you were in a high paying job. Seems like you are highly educated/ skilled woman stuck in a not so fulfilling and unappreciated SAHM role.
I can relate. I was in a high flying career too, now a house wife. dh works long hours and is not interested in my life. It makes me feel v unhappy and I miss my old single career oriented life. Maybe you are also missing something from your old life - independence, sense of empowerment, purpose. Sorry I might be projecting completely.

Is it possible for you to join a hobby course to give a boost to your self esteem and escape from this stressful routine? Art/ dance can be very therapeutic. Please don't say you wish your mum aborted you. You are too precious for that. Hugs..

Hi goingmental,

I'm sorry to hear you are also going through a hard time. My DH is a workaholic but otherwise very hands on and tries his best to be supportive. He would support me whether I choose to stay home or work.

The issue is me. I struggled with severe anxiety all through school and my 15 years in finance. I used to have panic attacks and this was pre children. I don't think I could cope with both a job I hated so much and the responsibility of children, which if I'm honest, I don't really like (the responsibility not the children). In a way，I feel like life has passed me by because I've been stupid, not good enough, not brave enough (insert self critical phrase). I've never found my calling nor my place in life where there is something I can be passionate about and earn money at the same time.

But you are right. I miss the money and financial independence terribly and the ability to be able to say screw you to DH or anyone else should they ever turn on me. This is important to me as I walked from my first marriage, head held high and did not ask for nor need a penny from my ex. Now with the kids, I'd have to beg. I would beg, and work my arse off to provide for them as far as i could. If i couldn't do it, I would give them up to social services.

If it was just me, unemployed and broke and divorced, I'd just hang myself no biggie. At the same time, I'm not sure I could cope with a stressful hated job and being a mum. I'm pretty sure I'd spew all my resentment on them... like I used to do on DH when it was just us two.

Hoping some day I can maybe do something part time that isn't taxing at all, physically mentally or emotionally. Given up finding my passion now. So just want the easiest job that requires the least investment from me so I have some energy left for my children.

I hope you manage to find an arrangement that works for you too.. are you able to work part time?

Can you find a nursery place for your D's, just for a few hours each week. This will give you a bit of space ( no bad thing, don't worry about wanting a break) but also he will be getting some consistent messages from others about following instructions, help with potty training and learning social skills with other children. Then, maybe at the weekend, get your DH to look after DD for a bit so that you can do something with just D's ( doesn't need to be fancy, just following his lead with some imaginary play, going to the park, cooking rice crispy cakes or whatever)

Lbjmum2014, if money is not an issue, can you try different hobby classes to see which one you like?

I recently saw a video with an NHS gp talking about benefits of arts on mental health. I am going to do a short art course myself just to get out and do something creative and pleasantly distracting.

I agree with the poster above about sending ds to a nursery for a few hours each week. You dont have to work in finance, I know how stressful it is. Can you retrain in something you may like? Try to take small steps to make changes - one thing at a time. I would suggest to try headspace mobile phone app for small mindful meditation sessions everyday or whenever you feel stressed. It's very helpful :)

Big, big hugs. I can identify so much. Been v successful, then v happy to have kids, worked v hard part time from home when they were little, then suicidal + struggling in my (ultimately good) marriage.
Not to patronize you but you neet to see you GP about depression + get childcare for the oldest, and your husband has to cut down on his hours. This is about all of you surviving for the next 3 years, iin any way you can. Then it gets easier. Please try not to blame yourself so much it's not 'all you', you are obvioulsy doing very well as a parent. Please, please get professional help and speak calmly and openly with your partner. Depression is deadly, and just as real an illness as many other.

apologies for typos

Hi educatingarti and goingmental

DS does go to nursery 2 days a week and he started in Oct last year when he was nearly 3. I feel awful saying this but it still nearly doesn't feel long enough as he can be a challenge when home, mostly because he's insecure and overtired. He fights sleep or even just rest like death. And he doesn't eat properly, which doesn't help.

I have downloaded the Headspace App and will possibly look into some hobby classes. The only thing with classes is that it will have to be a weekend which eats into family time. My DH typically doesn't get home till 7.30 / 8 pm on average so weekday classes don't work.

Vanellope

Yes I have already seen a perinatal psychiatrist. I realise I'm ill and have been prescribed meds + psychotherapy. I'm just moaning the seeming pointlessness of it all..... Things may get better for a while then rear its ugly head again.

I'm now down with a chest infection and DD has an ear infection courtesy of DS. My in laws have thankfully taken DS back to theirs for a few days to allow us to recuperate. I hope things will be better soon although I feel guilty that I'm enjoying the time without DS. The peace, the quiet, no nocturnal visits , no noisy playing.

GardenGeek

Regarding music, did you mean just find tunes and songs you like and listen to them over and over again to boost your mood? So glad you are better.