Feel like I’m living a lie

[Turnocks34]

Ok, so without blowing my own horn...

I am well off, I have a good career, a gorgeous, loving OH and two beautiful boys. I’m also what you’d call ‘typically pretty’. I should have everything.

But I feel like I’m dying. My CBT isn’t managing my OCD anymore, I’m constantly checking my skin for signs of infection. Ive got list after list, outlining exactly where I’m failing. I’ve taken to scratching my scalp til it bleeds to shut the noise out. I just can’t breathe. My OCD normally comes in waves, it’s always there of course but I canplod along with it being almost dormant a lot of the time, until I have a stressor, in which case I’ll either become certain I’m dying of something (bowel cancer this time), or my children are dying, or everyone hates me because when I was 7 I stole a Milky Way from the corner shop. But this cloud has been here for 2 months no, and I’m still here, it’s not lifting.

I’m not depressed, it’s more a complete anxiety I feel. A gripping anxiety where I feel like I’m drowning from the inside out.

The worst part..no one except my oh knows. So everyone else just thinks I’m being a moody cow, or being lazy because I haven’t been able to bring myself to put make up on.

At the Dr Wednesday. Hoping I don’t get medication as I find more holistic/verbal approaches work better for me personally.

I guarantee no one cares if you have make up on or not. I doubt they think you're being moody either.. what I mean is don't waste your time worrying what anyone else thinks, if you can, just focus on you. OCD sounds awful. Hope things go well at the docs

You poor thing. Keep an open mind about the medication. It works for me and you sound very similar to me.

I'm glad you have a Drs appointment that means you can start to feel better.

What exactly are you looking for on your skin?

I suffer with OCD which has totally ruled my life for 20 years. I wish I could speak from personal experience about how to deal with it, but no treatment has worked for me so far. It has destroyed me.

However, you have achieved real things in your life even with this illness and whatever else has been thrown at you. Perhaps you need another course of CBT, which might be with a different therapist with a different approach, to renew your coping mechanisms so that you can overcome this latest flare-up. I second being open-minded in any discussion your doctor(s) may want to have about medication: it is proven to be effective for a lot of people and you might not need it for long.

I hope your appointment on Wednesday goes well and you come away from it with hope that things can be well (or at least much better) for you in future.

Wow! Look at everything you have done and achieved with this crippling illness! You are a force to be reckoned with!

What other medication are you on if any?

I have always suffered but been able to have control over it, however I went through a terrible period for two years as my medicine changed for another condition I have and didn’t put two and two together.

Now I’m off of that I have been able to gain control again but still have bouts.

This is hard and not a easy thing to control, the struggle is real but you need to find new ways to tackle it if what your doing isn’t working.

These are irrational thoughts, you know they are, you need to breath through them, concentrate and rationally think them through as to why it’s a irrational thought.

I feel formyou, I really do, but you managed this before and can do it again.

Thank you. I am going to be open minded. Hopefully there is something. I haven’t had a CBT session for around 4 years but the techniques I learnt have been fantastic for me. Maybe it’s just the stress I’m under at the minute (moving house, OFSTED) making it flare up.

I look for skin cancer, changes to moles and freckles. I check my full body at least three times a day, in bad days I will measure each mole. I have catolouged each mole in photograph form.

Thank you for your replies. Really mean a lot.

Not on any mediciation at all currently.

Oh. That sounds exhausting. I have recently gone back onto medication and it's making a difference slowly. Although I don't have ocd just crippling anxiety. Am waiting on an assessment for BPD. but reading your posts I can identify more with what you describe.

UPDATE:

Ok, so I went to the GP, he has agreed I would benefit from more CBT so has put me on the waiting list. He also gave the name of a free anxiety group that is ran in our area. I went yesterday.

I feel much better. I mean the underlying OCD is still there but I can function relatively well. Despite how it seems, I actually have a more mild form of OCD for the most part, it just becomes more severe and unmanageable with stress.

Thank you for you support again.

I'm glad that you are already feeling better. Good luck with the CBT

Hello. I don’t have OCD but while you wait I would suggest reading the book The Happiness Trap. It’s based on a therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - not a very descriptive name (in my opinion) but I have found useful. It won’t promise to make you happy, in fact it says searching for happiness is the wrong thing to do, and it doesn’t promise to get rid of unhelpful thoughts, in fact it says they will likely always come up, but it does suggest ways to deal with them. Honestly I think it’s worth a try. ACT is supported by research as an alternative to CBT, not necessarily better, but I have found it a more helpful approach.

Good luck.