Help and advice surviving family problems and difficult upbringing

[bettybean]

Hello,

I'd really appreciate some advice.

From around the age of 12 my family experienced numerous problems (Dad lost his business, we lost everything, homeless for several years, lived in poverty etc).

As you can imagine the problems caused the family to implode and the experience was especially difficult for my Mum who became the main breadwinner.

I have an older sister with a pretty intense and terrifying temper and a younger brother also with a temper.

As family problems set in, I spent a lot of time supporting and consoling my Mum who could spend hours crying, often telling me how much she hated her life, how she wishes she could die, how she felt about my Dad etc.

I spent a lot of time effectively playing switzerland and working hard to support everyone.

During my childhood I often thought of suicide as a way of escaping the pain within the family home.

As an adult, I've worked really really hard to build as best a life as I can but also to make my parents and my family happy be it taking them on lavish holidays, giving them money, creating special moments, being kind etc.

I have a big group of friends who I know love and support me.

I don't want to bore you with the details (there are many including sister is now an alcoholic and homeless) but I guess I've suddenly realised that no matter what I will never be able to escape the pain from my upbringing and I'm not sure I can live like this.

In fact, I see the only way to end the pain is to end my life...

I have so much I should be grateful and thankful for but for the last few months I have struggled... I feel I live with a permanent lump in my throat and just the ache.

It's all compounded by loneliness. I have good friends that I know care for me but these last few months I have tested them.... I just quite simply have too many family problems and they weigh me down. Being the one with all the problems is embarrassing and isolating.

My parents - rightly - are currently focused on my sister. As the "good one" they seem incapable of understanding how it has been for me (I was 12 when my Mum first cried to me and told me how much she hated her life and on numerous occasions she has told me she wanted to die) or willing to acknowledge my pain (my Mum is quick to cut me off and tell me my life has been easier compared to her).

The pain is overwhelming and affects me... No matter what I do, how hard I work and how much I try to help and support I am dragged down by all this.

I can't live with this level of pain, stress anymore (I'm in my 40s) and I have been thinking of heading to beechy head. I genuinely don't know how I can live with this and live like this...

The pain is killing me. My family problems take me back to the little girl who spent her family life from 12 onwards looking after everyone else....

My Mum has many wonderful traits but she is also a difficult and stubborn character. She is currently staying with me for 6 months in my tiny flat giving me no sanctuary to hide.

Three days ago I tried to tell her about my life and my feelings and was immediately dismissed (e.g. "you don't know anything!", "you think your life is hard? It's nothing! Mine has been hard, yours is nothing!!") and since then I've done what I always did as child i.e. I've shut down and dealt with the lump in my throat.

Being the "good one" means I have been fairly abandoned in many ways by my parents and siblings with little support.

On one hand I have no family member I can turn to or really on when I have problems and on the other I am the person they all lean on to solve their problems and to support them. I am the dumping ground for all their crap and I am the one they can all feel comfortable treating like crap. Be it my father using me for money, my sister doing the same, my sister attempting to beat me up, my brother threatening to kill me, my mother sharing every suicidal thought with me, taking out her problems on me and sometimes ridiculing me in a mean and malicious way.

My family are toxic people and give me nothing but take a lot. I am currently estranged from my sister and brother. I can't abandon my parents but the relationships cause me so much pain.

It sounds childish - I know - but I really wonder what it must feel like to feel well and truly loved and supported by your family. Instead of dragged down, suffocated, used and abused.

I would love to hear from others who have had difficult upbringings and continue to cope/survive.

How have you survived? What do you do? How do you cope?

Bloody hell my love, no wonder you are stressed with all that going on!! Please please don't hurt yourself though - there are other options.

For a start, you absolutely can abandon your parents - they are toxic and you do not owe them anything. You do so much for them, and it's never enough for them - you can't fix them, you can only damage yourself by trying to help them. I would honestly consider taking a massive step back from them, and I would bet quite a bit your own stress levels will start to drop.

Why is your mum staying with you, and can you bring that arrangement to a speedier conclusion? You do not owe her anything when she treats you this way.

If you post in AIBU, you will get better advice than I can give you. It's a bit robust in there, but I've found it fab whenever I have asked a question there.

Hugs.

Thank you very much JamPasty for your kind feedback.

My Mum lives overseas and recently came back for some medical appointments and - with nowhere else to stay - she may be with me for months until all the appointments and tests have come through.

To put it into context, she usually came for 5 weeks at a time but last year she was here for 5.5 months until mid-October.

My Dad got sick in January so I moved him in and he only left in April (5 weeks ago). My Mum arrived last week so I'm back to sleeping on the floor in my own flat, no privacy and no life.

It's pretty painful and really affecting me...I desperately want to get away from all this toxic shit but I just don't know how... I really don't want to live like this and to be honest, I can't. I really have tried very very hard but I am in a very dark place and it's affecting me. I'm struggling to sleep and I'm lethargic all the time. I've lost motivation for work. Started ignoring my friends calls. I'm just really really sad....

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will also try the AIBU page. xxx

Oh sweetheart, you need to be kind to yourself, because they never, ever will be.

They are all grown ups, they have a responsibility to themselves. You don't owe them anything.

You need to make sure this is the last time your mother stays with you. Whether that means cutting her off, moving away, however it is that you manage it for yourself, you need to do it.

You sound like you're slipping into depression, and your family are such selfish fuckers that they don't want to see it, because if they recognize it then that obliges them to stop relying on you for every damn thing.

DON'T GO TO AIBU! If anything, try Relationships.

Hi op, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I had a very traumatic and stressful childhood. You will have a lot of unexpressed anger and pain from your childhood and I think you need professional help from a therapist to work through this and to find a way forward for how you cope/deal with your family now.

Can you afford private therapy? If not talk to your GP.

I know how desperate you must feel at times but remember that you will feel happiness again one day.

You could try the stately homes thread in relationships for support on mumsnet but the reality is for those of us who suffered so badly in childhood you need professional, long term help.

Please do help yourself. You deserve it. Hang in there.

Is there something you can do today to lift your mood - go for a walk, look at some nature (park, countryside), read a good book? These help me but you will have your own.

You know what - it's OK to say to your mum "Mum, this isn't working, you need to go someplace else. I'll help you find somewhere, but you need to be gone in a week".

Do you have a friend you could confide in - tell them how bad you feel and that you are drawing away because of how bad you feel and that actually now is when you need them most.

You absolutely do not have to have anything to do with your parents ever again. They've certainly not deserved your care and attention.

I can relate to this too. I got sick of trying to please my toxic family some years ago and cut ties with most of them. Best thing I ever did. I think that many families are a bit dysfunctional to a greater or lesser extent but there comes a point when you have to be kind to yourself in order to survive. You owe your family absolutely nothing so find support from friends and see your GP urgently.