intrusive suicidal thoughts

[geraldine000]

I don’t know what is going on with me at the moment and I’m becoming really frightened.
I’ve suffered on and off with depression ever since I can remember. I’ve been to numerous counselling sessions and taken sertraline for the past 5(?) years. I came to terms with the fact that its something that I have to deal with and something that’s never going to fully go away, but something that can be less at times.
This time its different though. I’ve been fixating on the idea of suicide. I don’t think I would ever do it, I care about my parents so much and I know it would break them. I couldn’t do that to them. But I’m becoming increasingly worried about why I keep thinking about this. I’ve got to the stage where when I’m out with friends, I want to come home and cut. Its currently only my legs so not a suicide attempt. I went away with work last week and kept thinking about coming back because then if I needed to kill myself, I could. I’ve written suicide notes, I’ve been reading posts on reddit, even watching bloody documentaries. I don’t know why this is something I’m starting to obsess over. Like I said, I don’t think I will actually do it, but I want these thoughts to stop. I’m scared that its going to get more and more and will eventually lead to me being in a state where I’m not as rational as I am right now.
There are reasons I feel like this. I came out of a 6 year relationship earlier this year. He told me he had to break up with me because he has been a carer for me and doesn’t want to be. My depression is too much. He’s said I’m selfish and have destroyed him by being like this. I found out a few months ago he was already in a new relationship with a mutual friend, which hurt quite a lot. The whole thing has made me feel pretty useless as a person. I feel that no one will ever be able to put up with me.
The breakup coupled with the fact I live in a different country to where I’m from has made me feel pretty lonely. When I do get out of bed and try and meet people, friends, I end up being pretty pathetic and pretty much begging people to see me. I really feel uncared for, like I’m draining everyone, people don’t want to spend time with me or talk to me anymore because of the pessimistic mess I am, being so needy all the time.
I’m struggling with drinking too much. This is something I’ve always struggled with and I’m aware of it. I don’t drink daily but I do binge drink probably at least twice a week. Its been getting progressively worse these last few months and I’m putting myself in some pretty stupid situations. I’ve been using casual drunken sex with strangers as an outlet to try and distract myself from everything, blank everything out. Problem is I feel awful about this afterwards yet I continue to do this.
I don’t know why I’m writing here or what I’m really looking for. I don’t know, partially to vent and partially to see if anyone has any advice on how to stop these thoughts. I don’t want to see everything spiral more out of control. I don’t want to be scared of myself. I want to find enjoyment in something but it doesn’t seem possible right now. I’ve done the counselling, on the meds… is this it now?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can sympathise with a lot of how you are feeling.

I am too low myself at the moment to offer any sensible advice, but it's important to get it off your chest I would say.

I have a food friend whose MH issues are always worse when she is using alcohol. It's tricky. When she is using, she claims that it's self medicating, and it's a well used technique to blunt the edges of her illness, and that her counsellors agree. Alcohol fucks with your moods, and fucks with your medication though, and in addition she lies to her counsellors about how much she is using it, and how dependent she is.

Once she manages to stop drinking, her mood improves, and her meds are more effective, and combined with her DBT she is much better able to function and find motivation for living. She pretty much always has suicidal ideation when she is using alcohol, but she doesn't recognize the link - while she is doing it, she thinks it is helping, so it is a vicious circle.

So, two strands really - where are you on stopping drinking? And when was the last time you saw a psych for a med review? You don't say how old you are, but med needs can change over time, and if it has been a while, you almost certainly need to have a decent review, which might also flag another counselling need.

Are you attending support groups? I would suggest AA at the very least. How often do you see a mental health professional?

Thanks so much for replying.

Im 25 and not really anywhere on stopping the drinking. I've always used it as a vice and think I've developed my whole personality on it, how friends see me, how I interact etc. I can't imagine life without it at all, not even one weekend.

I live in Spain atm so can't go to a counsellor.. Language barriers and cost. Not sure where I can go from here. I'm not sure if I need to move back to the UK and be with family or if this is going to make things worse, with the realisation that going back hasn't changed anything I'm scared thats gonna really tip me over the edge..

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I really hope things start picking up for you

You can find counselors and psychotherapists who work by Skype or even email.

You have put so much energy and drive into researching suicide.
If you could redirect a little of that energy into finding healthy coping mechanisms it might get you through this difficult time.

Do you enjoy being in nature

Do you know any that are free? I'm really struggling for money these days.

I don't know if I enjoy being in nature anymore. I'm struggling to think of anything I enjoy. I know this is part of being ill but it's hard to break it down and think about what is something that I would like to do..

Thanks for writing

A lot of people who are dependent on alcohol do have to change their lifestyle completely (friends etc) in order to be able to manage their drinking (or in reality - to manage not to drink!) that’s why so many rehab places have long term support afterwards - and in some cases have outreach to help resettle clients/ new jobs etc. It can sometimes require an uproot to plant in a healthier place.
Do you have friends that you can discuss this with? A couple of good friends who can understand that you aren’t doing well might give you the strength to figure out your plan?
Can you seek out some alternatives?
The old saying ‘wherever you go, there you’ll be’ is certainly true, but it doesn’t take into account a positive move made to access support. That’s a little different to an escapist ‘grass is greener’ intent.
But online options are absolutely an option that some people choose (various reasons - usually rural or to fit in around other commitments)
It’s really good that you have recognized that you are at a stalemate and in need of more help. The next thing is to figure out how to get it. You’re worth the effort.

www.moodcafe.co.uk/download-relaxation-exercises.aspx
I don't know of anyone doing counselling remotely without a fee but this is a link to visualization exercises.
Yoga with Adrienne is good too.

Over time you will collect a bag of tricks that are personal to you though