Pathological low self-esteem / persecutory complex

[TheChineseChicken]

I've been self-examining my mental health issues, which are having an impact on my everyday life.

From the outside:
Married with a child
Lots of friends
Popular at work
Successful in career with very senior role

Despite this, on the inside:
Everyone thinks I'm annoying
I'm left out of things both personally and professionally
I'm an outsider
I'm bad at my job
I don't like myself
I'm boring

I have a constant internal monologue telling me I am a bad person. This is affecting my life and damaging my confidence, especially at work. It seems to have got worse since having my daughter 2 years ago.

Any advice or similar experiences? I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL as they don't understand the magnitude of how I feel.

As a side note, I don't believe I am depressed. I have suffered with depression before and this is different

Have you considered you may be autistic?

Odd Girl Out by Laura James is a good read.

No, that hadn't crossed my mind but I don't know enough about it

Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll take a look

Hi OP. I'm the same and I have been since I was young. I know where it started though.

I can't ever seem to shake it and it resulted in very bad pnd when I had my baby.

It's horrible isn't it? I suspect for me it stems from being left out quite a bit at school but then I think what was the reason I was left out? Is it because I was already different??

Autistic I am offended on ops behalf! Since when did low self esteem equate to autism

Autism?! Umm, no.

I am like this OP. Educated, professional careers etc yet in my heart I'm incompetent, a bad person, stupid etc.

I finished counselling this week which was person focused and looked my self worth and why I am so hard on myself.

Not sure it was the panacea I was hoping for, but it's certainly helped. Can you self refer to a counsellor in the NHS on your area? Could you pay for a course yourself?

I was referred for CBT for anxiety but stopped the course early as it wasn't really the right solution. I think I need some therapy but time and money are a problem!

Did your counselling identify a cause of your low self-esteem or was it just focused on changing your perspective?

Changing my perspective. I was bullied from age 4 for multiple reasons, so I've always assumed it started there.

I'm utterly shocked that suggesting a possible option to research is offensive. It feels quite disablist, IMO.

Laura James identifies very similar feelings to the OP in her book. She was diagnosed with autism in her mid 40s.

It is worth considering.

I see what you're saying with that although I'm not sure it's the right diagnosis. There is an element of social anxiety but I don't know if that's the disease or the symptom IYSWIM