Anyone had depression

[dotnetmum]

My DS has been diagnosed with depression at Uni, he was advised to take some time off at home. He has been at home for 2 month and has been getting more relaxed. Seems to be getting happier, laughing at tv etc. But this morning suddenly we heard him throwing things in his room and crying. He calmed down after about 10 mins. But he is staying in his room and he won't tell us what that was about. I think he was texting someone. I asked him every so often if I could go in his room, but he kept saying no. I feel like the best thing is to give him the space. Because months ago he really flipped out when we tried to force him to open the door.
Am I doing the right thing to not push?

I don't understand why my DS won't tell me what's wrong. Have I not been supportive of everything he does all along? He talks to me about unimportant things when we are watching tv sometimes but not about what is upsetting him. Why?

Embarrassing?
Is he open with you about most things?

Why not sit outside his door and say something like
Look I know something/someone as upset you, as the last few weeks things have been ok (or I thought they were for you)
Look I’m not going to judge/shout at you, I just what to see if I can help in any way. You don’t have to open the door if your not comfortable doing so, I just want to help you

Something like that, i

Thank you. I sent his a text with along the lines of what you said last night. He has not responded so far. He has come out to get food though but avoided contact with me and his dad. :-(

Just wanted to say that recovery from depression is not straightforward. What you hope for is that the trend is upwards, and the dips are not as low as they used to be. Also, communicating with teens often works better without eye contact (even without depression) - so communicating via text, so long as you don't over-do it, is probably a good strategy.

He has not responded to my text unfortunately. But he has been going to the kitchen and getting food, while avoiding me. The good thing is he is getting up and eating, moving around his room. Clearly he doesn't want to talk. I have the contact of one of his friends and also ex girl friend on messenger, and I have been debating with myself if I should contact them and ask if they know anything about what happened on Saturday to trigger this change.
He is 20 yrs old and I am not sure if I should ask his friend without him knowing.
Advice please?

If he reacted like he did on Saturday
Then personally I don’t think I’d ask the others
He will go mad, and make things worse
If they don’t know, they might text him letting him know you have been asking about him
Even though your worried

Let him come out if it himself
At least he’s not staying in bed all day(sleeping)
Good sign
Food
Tv?
Showering?
Getting dressed?

I wouldn't contact his friends. He may not be talking to you - but don't assume that means that he didn't appreciate your text - he knows you're there for him if he needs you. Maybe he is trying to show you that he really is doing better - we all have minor melt-downs occasionally, so the fact that he managed to resolve it himself, or reached out to the person he thought could offer him what he needed, is a good thing.

Hhhhhhh, ok I will hang in there then and not contact his friends. Thanks for your replies. The good things are he did have a shower, changed, eat several meals. Down side is that he stays in his room, took food up. Would not talk to me.
Aaarghhh!

The fact that he's showering and eating are good signs - honestly. Keep letting him know that you're there for him if he needs you - you don't need to directly say those words, but one text a day that could even be something funny you've read that you thought he might like, will let him know that you're thinking of him, but you're not hassling him.

Maybe he had a message that upset him?
What treatment is he having?

I have depression. It's hard to know what to do because on one hand I feel like when people leave me alone they don't care but on the other I can feel very easily suffocated. I would say let him know you're there but also give him space. Sometimes we know it's nothing big or can't articulate what's wrong or just plain don't want to talk so don't try to force anything. If it makes you feel better I kept to myself a lot but eventually did start opening up to my mum. I don't tell her everything because, well I'm an adult and want some privacy haha but I do tell her a lot and much more than I did at the beginning. He's still learning to manage this.

Thank you so much for your reply. It breaks my heart to see him struggle but I know I can't fight the battle for him. He has 'chosen' to not take meds at the moment, I have tried to talk him out of that a month or so ago, but then he seemed to have improved so much, happier and chattier, so I thought maybe he knows what he is doing, and stopped pushing him about that.
Until this last Saturday, when his behaviour suddenly changed. He seems sad and angry about something.
When he talks to be again, I will ask him about taking meds again. I have tried to ask the GP as well but basically was told he is over 18 and has to go to see the GP himself.

Some things that have helped me are journalling, I have one for bad thoughts and one for good thoughts. Mindfulness, exercise (easier said than done), diet, vitamin supplements, colouring for adults, talking to friends, getting out of the house even if it's just for work or to walk the dog, treating myself (food or clothes or whatever), pampering myself (face masks etc.), counselling both group and one to one. I know these are mostly personal things but they have really helped. I do at least one of these per day.

Thanks for those suggestions, it makes total sense to me. But he has been avoid us since Saturday. When I say hello or something he just says go-away. I don't want to push him, so I leave him alone. If he was listening to me I would suggest those thing you mentioned to him. As it is he is in his room, has shower, get food. That's it. Is he mad at me for something? Why has he stopped talking to me? Who is he texting with?
How long should I leave him 'alone', before asking his friends if they know anything?

As someone who suffered from depression as a teen and many times since, he probably won’t any you discussing him with anyone else. He’s probably embarrassed, ashamed, feeling guilty, feeling a burden etc etc Basically any negative feelings you can get are multiplied with depression.
Sounds like he could do with some therapy tho, perhaps talking to ppl who are his close relatives or friends. Ask him that? Maybe?
Tell him you love him & you will always be there for him. Xx

Bloody autocorrect!!

*people who are NOT close relatives or friends.

I wouldn't ask his friends ever. They might know what's wrong and be helping and if they don't know It's because he doesn't want them to. It's not unusual to want a bit of alone time to sort out feelings. Sometimes every little thing feels overwhelming. He might not be responding to hello because he thinks you'll start a deep conversation if he answers. Just give him time. He knows you're there thats whats important. **typing on phone so excuse typos

Ok ok I get it. Thanks for your advice. I will not bug him, hopefully he will come round eventually and stop avoiding me.

Update a few months on, DS has gone back to university town to setup accommodation and stuff for next term. He hasn't been responding to my sms but he has been chatting online with his sister occasionally. She said he seemed ok.
The only time he contacted me was a few days ago about some costs related to the shared flat.

Now we had planned a holiday with my mum and sisters and her kids in Ireland, This was booked more than 9 months ago. DS was supposed to come home yesterday and we would take the flight to Ireland together today. He did not show and after lots of sms chases, finally he told his sister that he wasn't coming.
While it is very annoying, I am more worried. Maybe the thought of all these people was too much for him, maybe he was depressed again and couldn't get going. But if that is the case then how can he manage when uni starts again soon.
I don't know what to make of this latest thing, I wish he would just tell me how he is feeling or thinking!!