can anyone advise and help me with co-dependency? Feeling desperate and would be most grateful

[themostenormousyouveeverseen]

I grew up with a borderline mother and a father who did everything in his power to make sure that the two of us (I’m an only child) made life as easy as possible for her. From a very young age I had to adapt my behavior and almost be a false person so that I could keep her happy. I had therapy about this before I had children, but still I seem to fall into the same traps after getting married and having children.

Over the years I’ve noticed that I can’t seem to have relationships with people where their decisions, their behaviours and their needs are not the predominant factor, and driver of the dynamic. I have known and also not-known I am co-dependent for a long time, but never really done very much about it.

I had a big realisaton today because of the utter emptiness I felt at the prospect of my H leaving the house to be away tonight. I was in tears all day, moody, needed something from him but could not articulate what it was(even to myself,) maybe some elusive combination of words or simply just not leaving, and just found myself lying on the bed, sobbing, incapable of functioning.

Now H is no saint either. I would say he is an alcoholic (which is what he is off to do tonight, unsurprisingly) has poor impulse control, has a temper and can be quite abusive. I’m not excusing any of this, but I think – from reading about co-dependency – we make quite a typical pairing.

Our entire marriage is based on his impulses and needs – we live where he wants, we do what he likes, even small things like his preferences dictate what we eat and what food we have in the house or what he classes as “real food” or a “real meal” or not. Some days H will wake up and announce that he has a craving for raw seafood and insists that the whole family (including young DCs) go out to some elaborate seafood restaurant. And we do.. I realize that my co-dependency is a big part of this. It’s not like he forces me to eat what I don’t want, it’s just that I am not sure what I actually do want and have just been led by what he does because he’s a very dominant personality. My sense of self is not very strong.

I really don’t know where to start to get over this. There are other big issues and other side issues – for eg I now hate being alone with the DC. I am happy to do all of the work for the DC, all the nappies and care and getting up in the night and feeding and clothing and decisions and welfare, but if I am doing it in a house without someone else present to anchor me, I am constantly suppressing panic attacks. I don’t quite know why this is. Having dependents seems to raise the stakes for me, especially if I am the one at whom the buck stops.

I have several phobias, social phobia being one of them, and then also PTSD. So while it seems like an obvious solution that I should just leave this abusive/addicted arsehole and gain independence and a sense of self, it is always my fears which hold me back. So I am constantly swinging between building up to leave and then feeling absolutely terrified at the prospect. Of feeling perhaps like not a real person at all? That what I do has absolutely no effect in the world at all.

I am confused between the abuse and my own co-dependency. It’s not like I take things lying down either. I am extremely good at making him feel guilty for some of the things he does. I can be very passive aggressive, and I can control things in my own, not very healthy, way.

I don’t know where to begin to unravel this. Obviously I need therapy. I have been to see several people because I really believe I need some anti depressants. I just feel so incredibly hopeless. Each time I am never medicated. I have seen my GP and two psychiatrists and both have said that it’s talking therapy alone that I need.

I am good at hiding the extremity of my symptoms. And because I don’t think I have a strong sense of personhood, I can come across as quite wishy washy rather than someone who is in desperate need of help.

Now before you tell me that I need to leave for the sake of my DC (which I KNOW I do) please can you give me a theoretical idea of how this might all be treated? How a recovery might unfold? And if anyone has gone through similar? And what path I should take in trying to get help for this?

I'm not sure where to start as so much of what you have written here is so similar to my own feelings and experiences. I really feel for you and how tough life has been for you.
My mum is narcissistic but has concealed it so very, very well that its taken years of me wondering what the hell is wrong with me and looking at my mum and thinking it can't be her because she was the 'perfect mother'. But now i look and see that was a totally artificial facade that she had seen years indoctrinating me to believe.
I can also totally identify with your feelings of not wanting to be alone with your dc, for me i think that comes from a sense that I don't have a feeling that i can control/influence anybody or anything, when of course you need to be able to 'control' dc and circumstances to keep them safe so it feels vey scary to have that responsibility that you believe you aren't capable of meeting.
I have also used passive aggressive behaviour, for co-dependents its almost the only way to communicate negative feelings! My dh always dictated everything we did even down to what food we ate and it certainly crossed the boundary into emotional abuse for many years. A while back I realised it had to stop, confronted him with an ultimatum and he did attend a group for a long time which made a huge difference to our lives. However, after this I realised that even though he was no longer dictating what we did, he was no longer criticising me or pressuring me, I still couldn't make a suggestion or a decision by myself. Still felt powerless, still felt empty, broken and faulty inside. Eventually, at dh's suggestion I looked into codependency and realised that it explained everything.
This embedded feeling of not having any power, not being a real person, having no real right to exist is at the heart of the problem. Social phobia etc are symptoms of this. Anti-depressants or leaving your dh won't fix the problem on their own without you first fixing that belief that you just don't matter. You do matter, just as much as any other being on the planet, you have a right to be here.
You have made a big step along the road to recovery by identifying that you are co-dependent. You are not alone and millions of people have gone through very similar experiences, there is help and support out there.
Therapy will help but its important that you have a good rapport with the person you choose to help you and that they understand co-dependency. Many therapists offer a free session to see if they're going to be a good fit for you. I went to one who just kept saying 'why don't you just stand up for yourself?' and I was thinking, but there is something stopping me, it was co-dependency. I have found a good therapist though and she definitely helped me.

On top of that, I have read a lot. Everything I have been able to find on the internet and many, many books. 12 step coda recovery is worth looking at too. Its the same principles as alcoholics anonymous adapted for codependency.

You might also find that posting on the relationships board will get you more replies, although there will be a lot of 'just leave your h and go no contact with parents'. For some people that is an important part of their recovery, but I don't think it generally fixes things on its own. If you still believe that you are worthless or unimportant you will continue to have the same problems in all other future relationships. For me, co-dependency has affected every relationship I've ever had; friends, loved ones, colleagues, dc, everyone.
Another crucial thing to do is to take very good care of yourself. It will be hard at first but so worth it. There is a lot of talk right now about radical self-care which you might find really useful to look into.
One of my ways of coping with my feelings of worthlessness was workaholism, if I worked super-hard I must be worthwhile in some way. Breaking this addiction has been very, very hard. I have taken many days off for myself and been literally so stressed by doing something 'indulgent' while my inner voice is screaming at me 'you should be working, you waste of space, how dare you be so selfish' but i have persevered and it has got easier.
Also, I do yoga (my struggle to find time in my life for this is another symptom of my co-dependency) and have found that the exercise really helps manage my anxieties and also helps me stay in the here and now rather than worrying about the past or future. Try 'do yoga with me' for some really great online classes.
There is so much more I could say but I'm aware this is already turning out to be avery grabbed and badly written post but hopefully you'll find something helpful here.

I dont really have much advice but just wanted to say im in the same situation and alot of your post mirrors exactly what im currently dealing with.
Im also really confused between the abuse and my co-dependency. Due partly to my fear of leaving and being left on my own I've put up with being treated quite badly and have lost boundaries and too much self respect.
Im currently also trying to prepare to leave as the relationship is breaking down and has been for a long time. My fear of being on my own is massive and I don’t know how I will cope. Ive been trying to look into things that will help with the specific issues Im worrying about dealing with without support; things like dealing with debt, tackling possible feelings of isolation, contacting womens aid for advice (freedom programme), what I wil do if my anxiety gets worse, how I will keep the house going on my own etc etc also Im considering doing some therapy I’m not sure which is best maybe dbt would help. I’m going to look into coda also to see if they can provide any info/support. Anything that will help really as I can’t keep doing this forever and feeling this way.
If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me its not easy dealing with this