Scared of returning to work

[ScruffMuffin]

Name changed, but daily poster.

I have had a lifelong struggle with MH issues, mostly recurrent severe depression (which I pretty much managed to kick around a decade ago) and for the past few years, social anxiety disorder. It seems that almost as soon as one condition disappeared, another one popped up, but I have generally managed to cope. I last took time off work for MH 16 years ago, last took meds 13 years ago and until recently thought I was fine, but actually I have been trying to fight off depression and low level self harm since late last year. It escalated very fast recently (fueled by social anxiety and a chronic health problem) and I ended up getting signed off work for a few weeks. I am going to have to return next week due to (a) colleagues currently having to fill in for me (b) the fact that I will lose clients and hours if I stay off for longer... in fact, I lost one today and (c) I know this is going to be a long haul, and can't take several months off. GP is happy for me to return, and I'm gearing myself up for it because I know it's for the greater good.

The thing is, I'm having good days where I feel almost normal, and even a bit invincible due to having had a good long rest lately, and I'm also having awful days when I feel desperate, alone (even though my DH knows and I've finally shared publicly - until I became ill a few weeks ago most people didn't know), tearful, irritable and unwell. I have a job that requires me to be really on top of things. Some days I'm capable of that, and some days I'm not. I'm still hoping that next week will be better, but I'm scared about it. I think I can hold everything together and do my job well, but have no idea what effect that's going to have on me, and therefore my family.

I know I probably shouldn't be going back yet. But I really do have to. I need to get through a couple of weeks and then have a bit of a break coming up anyway. Earlier it seemed absolutely fine. This evening, it seems insurmountable. Anyone else been there, or supported someone through it, and has some advice on pacing/ positive thinking/ managing to keep going?

Thank you.

Have occ health been supportive?
Do you think a phased return might help?
I had long term sickness through work related stress and had to build my hours up slowly I think I needed to ease myself back into the work environment gently to feel like it was manageable. Luckily occ health agreed and let me do a phased return.

Also is your Work the kind of place you could visit before you go back? I needed did this one time just popped in for a meeting with manager the week before I was due back and ended up have cuppa with rest of the team it helped make the return day itself so daunting as I’d already seen everyone anyway

Thanks for your reply. I had one MH related absence before (different job) 16 years ago, six months off, and occupational health were fab. I've had just under three weeks off this time so they haven't been involved.

Like the idea of a phased return, but am both employed and self employed, so potentially tricky. Will ponder on that though... I could possibly not do ALL of it next week?

This would be so much easier if I hadn't emailed everyone on a good day to say I was definitely coming back!

Yes, I have visited... it felt all familiar and nice, but was harder than I thought it would be.